Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I am not at all jealous of the upteenth woman who just walked into a meeting at work today six months pregnant, talking as if being pregnant was the easiest and most natural thing in the world. This did not remind me of all the women I see daily whose babies come easily, and let's not forget their babies do not die like mine do...But I am not jealous. I am also not so uncontrollably sad that I am on the verge of tears at any given moment.
I am certainly not struck with intense disappointment about the fact that we will celebrate our EIGHTH year of marriage in a few months, all of those years spent childless. And I certainly won't think about my dreams of marriage and family, and how this fact does not at all live up to those dreams, as those dreams consisted of at least two children filling our lives and home by now.
I do not get sick to my stomach as I walk into work and one of my coworkers is visiting with her perfect newborn baby, and I certainly do not want to scream at her for sticking a knife in my wound for the day.
I am not angry at my own body, for failing me when I needed it the most.
I do not blame myself for all the loss Jason and I have had to endure.
I am not terrified beyond belief that the program I supervise may be completely annihilated come July 1, as we lost all our funders, and we have no word yet on new funders. I do not consider this program my baby, and the only baby I was able to nurture and sustain for the last two and a half years. Therefore, I certainly do not experience this impending loss as similar to a miscarriage.
I do not worry obsessively that not only will I not be able to tolerate this wait for a baby, but I will also turn out to be an awful adoptive mom.
I do not feel as though my entire world is crumbling down around me.
There, that should do it. If you are listening, Dear Friend Denial, please come back to me. I need you desperately right now.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Since we have announced our plans to adopt to different people, I've noticed the questions in their eyes. If you want some perspective about how it feels to announce your plans for adoption and get a luke warm reaction, go to E's blog and Jodi's blog. Because these blogs are great, and because this really isn't the focus of my post, I'm not going to comment...for now:). But, back to the questions I see when I announce our plans to adopt. It seems those questions go un-asked. It's like people are afraid to say, "What made you decide to adopt?" and "Why now?" So, I decided that I would post about it and at least YOU all would get the benefit of my answers. For the record, I wouldn't mind if anyone asked their questions, if they asked with curiosity and NOT judgement. I love to talk about our journey of infertility, our losses and our plans to adopt. They're all an important part of who I am. That said....
My heart first began opening to adoption at my first appointment at my second RE (we didn't like the first after 9 months of treatment and decided to get a second opinion). This appointment was in August 2009. As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed The Adoption Guide magazine on the table. I picked it up. I became enthralled with all the stories of adoption, and I read about the process, and I even read about the adoption tax credit. We went in to see the doctor and the news wasn't good. We had a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own and his course of treatment barely brought us to 17%. We faced month after month of intrusive, expensive treatment, with no promise of anything. We still had dreams of a biological child (and still do by the way), so we did treatment, and I kept going back, and I continued to be drawn to the adoption magazines in the waiting room. As I read the stories, I cried. My heart had been touched by adoption. I started searching stories and information online, and it became more and more real to me that this adoption thing was possible for us.
So, one day, I decided to ask Jason about it. I worried about his reaction because I guess I had already decided that this was the route I wanted to go (even if I hadn't even admitted it to myself yet) and I was terrified he would say he didn't want to do it. Jason had all the normal initial doubts and questions about adoption, so we talked, and I educated him on some things I had learned in my research, and I echoed some of his worries. As we talked more, I told him that just the thought of adoption made my heart lighter. Infertility literally coated my heart with sadness, anger and hopelessness. The thought of adoption brought HOPE back into my life. As I thought about it, I thought about the fact that we WOULD have a baby through this process. I never had that guarantee with fertility treatments. I think that was what helped Jason to begin thinking about the possibilities. I have a husband who cares SO much about my happiness. I am truly blessed. When he saw the tears in my eyes as I described how happy the idea of adoption made me, well, he was willing to give it some more thought. I know so many other woman out there who are ready for adoption, but their husbands are not. I am so lucky that I have Jason, and that he loves me so much that he is willing to go into uncomfortable territory for our family, and for my happiness.
We started requesting information from agencies in September and, well, as you all know by now, we found out we were pregnant in November. Going back to the beginning of this post, there were different reactions to our pregnancy than we got when we announced our plans to adopt. But, I can somewhat understand that, for reasons we won't talk about today:). Anyway, after we got pregnant and lost our angel, it was tempting to get back on the fertility train. I mean, we got pregnant again, right? We saw a beautiful healthy baby on ultrasound, we experienced the excitement of pregnancy, we were getting a taste of our dream. Like I said, it was tempting. So, I had surgery, we did testing, we waited for phone calls, the doctor wanted to do another HSG (much to my dismay), we were disappointed when the information given was not helpful (such as when they told me they did not grow enough cells to test the baby)....and then I realized quite quickly, I really cannot do this anymore. I literally do not have it in me. I know so many women who go at this for years and years (some up to 10 years!). Maybe I am weak, I don't know. But, this journey was eating me alive, and I am not exaggerating. It literally consumed me, little by little, until I wasn't even sure how I was walking around upright anymore. So, we went back to our original plan of adoption. And here we are a few months later, ready to be put in "the book!"
So, why adoption? Why now? Because we want to be parents and we think we'll be good at it! Because we've been through so much pain already and it's time for something good in our lives. Because until you have experienced infertility, you really don't know how much it can suck out of you and out of your life. And because I made a conscious decision to take control and not allow my infertility to control me. So, I don't need your pity (yes, I do see pity in people's reactions at times). Adoption is not a SAD thing. It's a wonderful thing! It is so very sad that we are infertile, and it is so sad that we were able to have pregnancies only to have them ripped from us. I get that. But, our plan to adopt is anything but sad. Adoption has brought us hope, love and happiness, and we don't even have our baby yet! So, celebrate with us, ok? The best is yet to come! Isn't that wonderful?! I never could say that with infertility treatments. So, let me say it again, because I can - THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!