Sunday, May 30, 2010


Yesterday, while getting my pedicure (I told you I was taking care of myself:)), I read an interview of Sandra Bullock about her newly adopted son, Louis. She spoke of her precious son as any new mom would talk about her child...with pure love and adoration dripping from every word.

I watched The Blind Side today and cried as a story of courage, love and adoption unfolded in front of me.

Adoption can be and is beautiful. I needed to be reminded.

Jason and I are so blessed. We actually get to experience the miracle of one set of parents making a courageous and painful choice out of the greatest love that exists, the love they have for their child. And then, even more breathtaking to me, we will finally get to know the love between parents and their child, not because that child has our genes, but because love is that magical.

Wow, we are blessed.

Friday, May 28, 2010


My immune system has failed me lately. I had strep throat two weeks ago, and it was AWFUL! There are no words to describe how painful it was. Then, yesterday, I ended up with a stomach bug that has been going around the office. It hit me in the gut, literally, and the last two days have been tough.

I realized that I hadn't been sick in a long time, and I didn't get either of these illnesses last year. What in the world is going on? A perceptive friend sent me a text with one word..."Stress..."

I thought the same thing. At first. But, honestly, my job has been under control. I mean, I work more than 40 hours as usual, but it feels do-able. I do not feel pressure from too many directions as I have in the past. I'm doing things for myself, like yoga, pedicures and walks with the dogs. So, how is the stress getting to me?

It came to me that the stress that is affecting me is not overt. It is the kind of implicit stress, going on under the surface, that wreaks havoc on your immune system while you are (seemingly) moving on normally with your days.

In simple words: this wait is KILLING me! I know, I know, friends and family can tell me over and over again that "it has only been two months" (and two weeks for those of us counting:). But, let me make one thing clear: I have not been waiting for a baby for two months. I have been waiting to have my baby since the day I could consciously think about my life. I have been realistically waiting to have my baby since the day I married my husband, which will be eight years ago in two months. I have been trying with everything I have to bring my precious baby home for 2.5 years. So, yes, we have been on the waiting list for 2.5 months. But, in reality, my wait, my agony, has been much longer.

Is it any wonder that my immune system is struggling? I spend every day trying (internally) to balance my desire to live in the present and enjoy every day with my intense anticipation of the joy that I know is waiting for me in my tomorrows. Apparently, that takes a lot of energy.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Reality of Miscarriage

I have to warn you, this post is more for me than for anyone. I also have to warn you, my TV shows are once again behind my thoughts. If any of you watch Army Wives, you know that Roxy miscarried on tonight's episode. I'd like to take you through the episode from the perspective of a woman who knows her pain, who can be thrown back into that pain with one simple reminder. My head and my heart need to process the rush of feelings this episode brought me. I hope you don't mind....

It all starts out normally, as most pregnancies do. Then she is bleeding. Then she is in the hospital, telling her husband that there was no heartbeat. Then she is being wheeled out, and you can see in her eyes that whatever is going on around her, she is not taking it in. She is in shock.

I remember that shock. I remember being wheeled out, no longer a whole woman. My babies were literally ripped from my body. There was a vacuum involved, and they actually scraped what was left of my children out of my body. Make no mistake: this was not just a physical process. My heart felt as though it was also vacuumed, scraped, and left to bleed. As I was wheeled out, all I could think of was: when I got here, my baby was safely tucked in body, now where is he? After my first miscarriage, as I was being wheeled out to the curb, broken and empty, I actually watched a new mommy being wheeled out, baby in arms, and I watched her place her new baby safely in the car seat. Where was my baby?

And then there is a scene as Roxy's husband, Trevor, asks for advice from a friend, who is also a psychologist. He doesn't know what to do, he's lost as to how to support his grieving wife, all the while denying his own grief. He says, "You know one minute everything is fine, and then the next you get a phone call. I was just really looking forward to meeting our kid." Roxy then goes on to tell her friend that she is so worried about Trevor...he wanted this baby so much, after all. "I feel so bad. He really wanted this baby," she says.

I can remember telling Jason I was pregnant for the second time, after one miscarriage, 1.5 years of trying, tests, surgeries, sperm samples, invasive procedures. He picked me up, spun me around and we cried. He went with me to appointments and saw our baby's beautiful heartbeat, twice. The smile on his face lit up the exam room. And then one day, there was a phone call. From 75 miles away, I called him to tell him his second baby had also died. He really wanted this baby. He was really looking forward to meeting our kid. So was I.

Later in the episode, Trevor has to tell Roxy that they actually didn't get the housing upgrade they were looking forward to. Because Roxy was pregnant, they were going to be a family with three children, therefore needing more they weren't.

We have expectations when we get pregnant. As hard as we infertiles try not to, we begin to dream. I thought about my growing belly. I thought about the nursery I would create. I thought about the June timeframe, when my best friend would give birth to her baby, and I would finally be able to celebrate whole-heartedly because I would soon, too, have my long-awaited joy. I even imagined our "joint" baby shower that work would surely throw for us. I imagined maternity leave. I thought about life as a stay at home mommy to this gift I had been given. I had a different life in my dreams than what I am currently living. Those expectations I once had are now nasty reminders of what is not happening in my life right now. All the things I was looking forward to are gone. My days are full of the "same old." The second miscarriage happened almost exactly five months ago. Others have moved on. Some days are ok for me, too. Other days, I remember that my life is not what I hoped it would be. My belly is flat, and empty. I did not get a "dual" baby shower with my best friend. She had one all on her own, and I couldn't even attend...for many reasons. I will not be on maternity leave in about 2 months, happily bonding with my baby. I just go into work, day after day after day, thinking about how it could have been so different. Miscarriage goes on and on, especially for those of us who can't just hop in bed and be pregnant a couple of months later. The pain may fade, but it has no end.

The episode ends with a teaser for next week's episode. In it, Roxy's friend is announcing her unexpected pregnancy, trying to be sensitive, telling Roxy quietly and when they are alone. And I can see the pain in Roxy's face as she tries to take in this information, swallow the intense pain that has taken over her chest, and react in a "socially appropriate way."

Just when you think you can move on, to another episode, life hits you in the gut and the air rushes out of you again. The pain of miscarriage, of the loss of a child, never ever leaves you. This is the Reality of Miscarriage. I live it every day.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Updated Nursery Pictures!!

The nursery is far from done, but it is coming together. We are obviously in no rush, so it is just piece by piece. It is a fun process, though. It is still hard to believe that an actual baby will occupy this space one day...but there better be a baby here soon, because this stuff is expensive:)!

This is a picture of the room from the doorway (forgive the mess with boxes and such). Where the bassinet is sitting is where the glider and ottoman will go (we think). The glider is due to our house this Thursday! I am so excited to have it!

Here is a picture of our beautiful crib. A friend put it together for us, and we are so thankful!

These are the sheets I bought on ebay. I really love the polka dots!!!

Here is the dresser, which you all have seen before. I still love it!

And now my FAVORITE part of the nursery by far. As you all recall, I really, really loved a fellow blogger's, Rebekah's, baby blanket. She designed it and created it herself. It was beautiful! So, with her blessing, I stole her idea:). I tried to change it up a little and used zebra print instead of the cow print she used. Those of you who know me, know that I cannot sew - I can barely put a button on a pair of pants! So, our dear "Arizona Mom," Sheree, agreed to make the blanket for us. I spent about six weeks picking out fabrics, and Sheree literally took 2 weeks to put it together. Her talent amazes me. Ok, drumroll please:

This is the blanket with a close-up so you can see it with the sheets.

The long view.

Another long view, taken from the side of the crib. I'm not sure why it is rotated so weirdly, but you get the picture!

We have been so blessed. We have had family and friends offer to buy certain pieces of the furniture, friends help with the assembly of the furniture, and Sheree made our blanket. This room is definitely a family effort, and I can feel the love in that room every time I am in there.

Also, in case you haven't heard, we got the "ok" to paint in the baby's room, so that will happen once we know if we are having a boy or a girl. If it is a boy, I am leaning towards a pale baby blue (to really pull the sage green accents out) and if it is a girl, we have decided on a pale lilac color, which I also think will look gorgeous with the green. I will post pictures of the glider in the room, once it arrives.

Lastly, we decided to go all out with the zebra theme:), so we re-decorated our guest bathroom, which is across the hall from the baby's room, in black and white! See for yourself:

So, that's the story of Baby E's new room for now! I wish I could say we had updates on Baby E, but our social worker must be out of the office this week, because she hasn't responded to my email. Anyway, let me know how you like the room so far and have a wonderful weekend!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Missing My Family

"We're family. That means you don't have to do things alone. That's the whole point."
- Nora, from Brothers and Sisters

Once again, watching one of my favorite TV shows has turned into a time for reflection for me. This quote hit a chord for me today. I am so far away from my family and loved ones. They are going through so much, each one of them. All I can do is a send a card, make a phone call. My eyes burn with tears as I think about how wonderful it would be to hug them, see them, support them, and love them in person.

I miss them dearly. I hope they know how much they are loved, thought of and held from afar. I hope they know how much their daughter, friend, niece, and sister misses them. My heart aches to be close to them again.

A few of my favorite people...

This was one of my favorite weeks with my family. It was one month after my first miscarriage and I needed them dearly. I always enjoy every second I get to spend with my mom and sister.

This is my dear friend, Renee. Not having her down the hall every day at work or up the road when I desperately need her has left a huge hole in my life that no one else could ever fill.

They are all still family, and that means I am not alone in my journey, and they are not alone in theirs. What a blessing to have them in my life, no matter how far away they may be. As I go to bed tonight, I will be thinking of them, and all of our family and friends who are so far away, and sending them hugs from afar.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Two Months

Ever feel like the whole world is moving forward except for you? The new guy at work, the neighbors down the street, your bloggy friends, etc.....

We've now been on the waiting list two months. I have no growing belly to show for it, no strangers stopping me to ask me how far along I am, no real indication that this wait is getting any shorter. I know two months is behind me, but that doesn't help when I have absolutely no idea how much is still ahead of me!

To be fair, this second month was easier than the first. Time went by a little quicker, each day didn't seem like it went on for weeks. I'm much too busy for that. I just keep thinking...what if we get to the fall with no baby? (Which, by the way, is perfectly possible and would still be within normal time frames.) My stomach drops.

I cannot keep living life as is, as if I don't want it to be so much more. Same job, same hamster wheel full of piles of work, same empty home, day after day after day. How many more months can I take this?

I guess we'll find out.

On a side note, I wanted to post about the candle holders people seemed to like. It is actually all one candle and looks like this when all together:

Two of the sides say "In Loving Memory"
One of the sides says, "What a beautiful difference one single life has made."
The last side says, "After the rain comes a Rainbow, after the darkness comes Light...after the clouds disappear is only the beautiful and the bright. What a Beautiful difference one single life has made."

I checked the bottom. It is copyrighted by Giftcraft 2008. The brand on it says Simply You. I do adore this candle and hope those of you interested can find it. Since I have two angels, I particularly love that this candle has two separate candle holders. I hope you can find it if you want it!

Thank you everyone for your beautiful comments on Mother's Day. My dear sister actually lit two candles and remembered my angels on that special day with me. My heart swells with love for her, for my angels, and for all of you.

Here's to another month behind us and who knows how many ahead of us!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mother's Day is Here

Ready or not. I knew I wanted to post on this powerful day, but I wasn't sure what to write. There are many feelings in my heart, too many to write. This is my third Mother's Day since our first miscarriage. Three years of this day, all filled with pain. I hope and pray next year will be the one that is different. I pray this every year, so it's hard to believe the prayer will be heard, and answered.

I'd like to say to some special mommies and mommies-in-waiting out there:

Happy Mother's Day to those of you celebrating your first, precious Mother's Day after years of waiting, wishing, hoping and praying.

Happy (or tolerable) Mother's Day to those of you whose angels passed too quickly through your lives. They were here, and then they weren't. But, they were here. You are their mommy, and you need to remember that today. This day is for you, too.

Happy (again, or tolerable) Mother's Day to those of you who are still hoping, wishing, waiting and praying for happier Mother's Days to come. Keep your heart protected and full of love, remembering that your child will find his/her way to you. Happier Mother's Days are in your future.

For me, I know I am blessed. I have gotten multiple cards, a sweet package from my sister with a beautiful mom-to-be card, and I have a gift waiting to be opened when my thoughtful hubby comes home from work. I have cried multiple times today...not only because this day is painful, but because I have the most wonderful friends and family who allow me to both grieve and celebrate on this day. That is a delicate dance, and their support is invaluable.

Lastly, I'd like to say:

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom. Without you, Mother's Day would not be so special to me. Because, without you, I would not know the intense love between a mother and her child. Without you, I wouldn't have this aching passion and desire to be a mom, because I wouldn't know how important and special the role of "mom" can be. I am blessed to have you, and I will never forget that. Although we are apart, please know you are always and forever in my heart.

To our future baby's first mom - you are in our hearts today. We don't know you yet, but we already love you. My wish for you today (and every day) is that you are safe, supported and well loved.

And to my angels, your mommy is remembering you today...and your candles are lit....