Home Visit Requirement - Check!!

Yup, you read it right. The social worker came to our house today, did a quick walk through, and voila, our home is approved! Nice, huh? This was my attempt at "sprucing up the place":

LOL, no one ever accused me of a being a Martha Stewart groupie!!

For those of you keeping track, here are our important adoption dates:

February 22 - Joint interview with social worker

February 26 and 27 - Classes

March 5 - Individual interviews with social worker

Then, we're done with all those and we just have to make our book and move along. Our social worker informed me that we DON'T have to wait for her to finish the report to get on the waiting families list, so I anticipate touch down in early March. YAY!!!! AND, she says the births are picking up - keep us, and all those brave birth families, in your prayers please. My current to-do list consists of:

• Physician's Report on Adoptive Parent Form (my appointment is for March 2, Jason TBD)
• Fingerprint cards (still waiting for social worker to give those to us)
• CPS clearance (will mail forms out tomorrow)
• Email autobiographies to social worker (mine is ready, Jason's is in progress:))
• Start working on our "book" (uggghhh)

The dreaded book is the book the birth family will look at and then determine our future - are we worthy of their beloved baby or not?! How do you even start a project like that, let alone finish it?! Well, once we get the outlines, I'll keep you all updated. I do know it includes a "dear birthparent" letter, as well as intimate details about us, why we chose to adopt, how we'll talk to our child about adoption, pictures that portray who we are, and pictures of our families, etc. Wow, what a task. I will be soliciting your help when we finally start that...so look out:)!

In other news, my job is hard some days. I work in a program that provides behavioral health services for very young and vulnerable child. We work with EVERY child in our area, ages birth to five, who are removed from their home by CPS. Without giving away any confidential information, let's just say in the course of my work today, I ran across a substance exposed newborn (SEN) whose mom lost a child recently at 1 day old due to substance exposure in utero, a 2 year old who was brought to the hospital "high" on 2 substances and twins (TWINS, people!!!) born substance exposed at 26 weeks gestation.

I want to take them ALL home. I want the world to be fair. I want these babies, and their parents, to have lives filled with peace and love and health. Sometimes doing my job, and being me (you know, being infertile and all), don't go together very well.

My Valentine's Day Thoughts

Valentine's Day. Not a day I/we celebrate fully, but a day that is always in my heart. This is because, growing up, my mom always made it special. I would get excited for the day because I knew my mom would always have something special waiting for me. I woke up and found a cute basket put together on the table, with candy and stuffed animals, and all things cutesy:)! And I loved it. What I loved was really not the cutesy things....what I loved was always knowing I was thought of, always knowing someone loved me more than anything in the world and took every opportunity to show me. What a gift I had (and have) in my mom!

Me and My Mommy!!

So, as I sit here on Valentine's Day (cleaning my house, grocery shopping, and looking forward to hubby coming home after work), I think about my dreams of being a mom. I have so many dreams, and different days, different occasions, trigger different dreams. Today, I think of how much my heart yearns to do all those cutesy things that show my child how much s/he is loved and thought of and cherished. I want it so badly I can feel it with every part of my being. Today, I am holding my future baby, and his/her birthparents, in my heart. On this Valentine's Day I am sending love out into the world to all of them, hoping somehow, some way, they can feel it.

What I am also thinking about as I sit here on Valentine's Day is my wonderful husband. I don't talk much about him here (mostly because I'm not sure he wants me to:), but he is a gift. For those of you who don't know, I married my best friend, my high school sweetheart. And I've never looked back. His constant love and acceptance is the foundation in my life. His boundless happiness, energy and love are probably the ONLY things that sustained us through the last 2.5 years - because Lord knows I wasn't able to give much as I suffered with inescapable grief. So, today, I am thankful for Jason, for our marriage, for our life together, and for all the love we have to share with our future (hopefully not TOO distant future) children.

Me and My Hunny (many moons ago)

Broken

Honestly, I don't even know how to start this post. It's another one of those days. I know, I know, I JUST posted a few really good posts, with good news, so where is this coming from? For those of you who haven't experienced infertility, or known me long enough to see me live it with your own eyes, you may not understand the cycle. But, let me tell you how it goes - you pull it together for awhile, maybe one day, maybe a month....and then, one day, you get about a billion triggers in one day, and it all falls apart - you fall apart.

At work today, I was in a meeting, and the subject came up of a work-sponsored family picnic. I made an off-handed joke because my stomach was churning with sadness, "Can we bring our lack of family, too?" Everyone anxiously laughed. Then, later, another work event, a charity walk, comes up and one of the other women says, "Can we bring our kids and the whole family to this?" She looked at me and laughed nervously and said, "Or dogs?" Haha. Again, I jokingly said I would bring my "lack of family" there, too. So many opportunities for the world to show me that I am lacking the one thing I have always wanted - a family, children and all. Yesterday at a work lunch, for some reason, women were sharing their labor and delivery stories (do I have a bullseye sign on me or something?). And those of us who haven't had the privilege of giving birth to our children (despite years of meds, shots, timed intercourse, procedures, surgeries, etc) watch sadly as women so casually talk about that experience, like it it something EVERYone gets to have, something we all can connect to. Well, that is obviously not the case. So, those experiences were difficult. And I would have been ok after those two things, if it had ended there. Surprisingly, I've gotten really good at letting those things roll off my back, so I can move on with my days...if I succumbed to EVERY trigger, I'd be in a padded room by now.

Then, tonight, it all came crashing down ("it" being my attempt at sanity). I don't want to go into the whole story, but the bottom line is I opted out of a casual get-together because a pregnant woman would be there. Actually, that extra pregnant woman would mean that two out of three of the women there (one being me) would be pregnant, because my best friend is pregnant, too. I have learned to handle her pregnancy because I love her and therefore had to find a way to continue loving her, while also accepting her pregnancy as a gift to all of us. But, the thought of the two of them there, both with multiple children AND pregnant, just overwhelmed me. I always think I'm getting better at this, and then that sinking feeling in my stomach comes, and my heart races, and I realize I'm still a slave to my infertility. I'm still grieving. And I guess it makes it worse that I SHOULD be the third pregnant woman there. I should be 17 weeks along as of yesterday, happily showing a baby bump and joining in their happy conversations about their children and their excited expectations for the new babies. I SHOULD be in a different place....but I'm not. Instead I think of my dead babies every day and have flashbacks of the moment the doctor told me our second baby was gone every night. And it hurts. And I just can't deny that it hurts. It hurts from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. It hurts down to the deepest part of my soul. And, honestly, it is a lonely hurting. Everyone else has moved on from this pregnancy. No one else sees me and thinks, "There she is, she should be 17 weeks along right now, happily anticipating her July 18 due date." But I do. I think about it every day...what could have been. What isn't.

I guess I have made some progress. I am not as angry as I used to be. I got tired of being so angry, of hating everyone around me who was pregnant or had kids so easily. The anger was literally eating me alive. So, I feel "free" from that at least. But, I'm still sad. And not like, "oh it's been a bad day and I'm kind of sad." More like, "my heart is breaking into a million pieces and it hurts so badly I'm not sure I can even breathe normally, let alone leave my house." That kind of sad. Where you feel like your chest will implode because your heart doesn't even have its structure anymore - it's just a bunch of broken pieces now. That's me, broken.

I guess I should end with a quote that brings me peace. It is what I am trying to do when things get hard - change my perspective, try to look to a better future. Hence, the title of my blog:). This is to all the ladies in "blog land" who are struggling day after day after day, yet are courageous enough to share their stories:

"Deep inside us, we have a spirit of energy and determination, a spirit that refuses to be broken - and we call this hope. Even when life's challenges overwhelm us our hope inspires us to new heights."

We Have A lot to Learn!!

We got our official invitation to the Adoption Education Seminar. Let me tell you what we will be learning about:

Overview of Agency Services and Laws

Infertility and Readiness

Dealing with the Wait, Your Family and with Disappointments

Getting to Know Birthparents and Their Families

Openness in Adoption: Building a Relationship

Transracial and Special Needs Adoption

Effects of Substance Exposure in Pregnancy

Wow, that's a lot to learn in a day and a half! It's hard to know that we will have to talk more about our infertility, and about the ups and downs that are adoption. I want so much to just enjoy this new path, but I also know that truly accepting this new path, means also accepting the hard things that have brought us here, and the very difficult things we may encounter as we continue. Sometimes, I just want to be HAPPY, though, and just enjoy what is. I will NEVER forget our losses, and our infertility. They will always be a part of me. But, I would like to move forward, into a place where our lives don't revolve around infertility.

I also have been reading "Dear Birthmother, Thank You For Our Baby." It's a good book, by the way, and I would recommend it to ANYone considering adoption. I am realizing more and more how much I still have to learn. While many of us adoptive parents would like to think so, raising a child who joined your family through adoption is NOT just like raising a biological child. Already, the comments I am receiving from people in my life have made me realize how different this will be. I know it is a new concept to everyone around me, so I accept that there will need to be a lot of learning for ALL of us. But, it's becoming more and more clear that part of being an adoptive parent will be about educating myself, my child and EVERYone who comes in contact with us. There is one particular thing, though, that I am struggling with. I am trying to wrap my head around the idea that I will not be my child's ONLY mommy. This is something that parents of biological children do not have to adapt to. My child will always have a "first" mommy and daddy out there who no doubt love him/her VERY much. I will have to make room in my heart for that first family, because they will give us a gift no one else can, and for that, we will always love them. In fact, I already DO love them. I already can feel a warm part in my heart reserved for my future child's birth family. So, on top of adapting to knowing I can't be everything to my child (but, really, can anyone be EVERYthing to their child?), I have to also be sure that family and friends understand our love for the birth family, and share in that love, if they are to be around my child. Wow, that's a lot to think about. Deep, huh? This is one of a few thousand things we have to learn and to do differently than other parents we know. I'm ok with that. I really am. But I am scared. We will be faced with challenges that are unique, and we will have to surround ourselves with other adoptive families, and we have to be open to learning new things, for the benefit of our child. I know all parents, when faced with an impending birth , realize they have things to learn. But, often, our families and our culture prepare us for those "normal" questions and reactions. Often, our families and our culture readily teach us, just through experience. Well, that is not true for us. We have to accept that the way we THOUGHT we'd raise a family is not the way we WILL raise a family. Then, we have to throw all of who we are into this new way, which is JUST as beautiful and miraculous as the other way. But, it is different. I know when our precious angel comes home, we will be fully wrapped around his or her little finger:). And that means we will be fully committed and ready to face the challenges that arise in adoptive parenthood.

We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time & miles,
growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them,
are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us
by God's very own hands.
--- Kristi Larson

Classes Scheduled!! AHHHH!!!

I promised I'd keep you updated! So, the classes are officially scheduled! The social worker will complete six weeks worth of classes on February 26 and 27 here in our town!! Then we will be DONE with classes. Unbelievable! I couldn't ask for a better plan! We don't have to drive 1.5 hours (one way) for a 2 hour class SIX times. On top of it, she has sent us the fingerprint cards, the CPS waiver forms for the background checks AND will be sending out reference forms for us as soon as we get her names and addresses! This is real! And it's all of a sudden moving quickly!! And not a minute too soon:).

She called, she called, she called!!!!

Did I mention she called:)? And by "she," I mean the social worker! It is 8:15pm and she called! So, because we are in the rural area, she is going to schedule an orientation and classes for a Friday evening and a full day Saturday. Just for reference, the classes are usually done one evening a month for 5 or 6 weeks. Instead, she's going to come down and we'll have it all hammered out in 1.5 days! She is looking at February 19 and 20 or February 26 and 27. She is trying to coordinate it for four couples in our area. Jason is hoping for the latter date as he has an overnight motorcycle ride with his club the weekend of the 19th. I'm just so excited this is moving forward! I am almost done with my autobiography and Jason finally started his. We have completed a bunch of the paperwork, but still have lots to go! Every small step is exciting, as long as we don't just sit still too long! They'll be plenty of that once we're on the waiting families list. I'll keep you all updated!!!

Uggghh, it's one of those days...

You know those days when the reality of your infertility just follows you around and won't leave you alone? You know how it just grips your body and you have that sick to your stomach feeling for an entire day? I just can't shake it today!! Even the blogs I read online, supposedly about infertility, consist of happy smiling women showing off their baby bumps. Yuck. Did they go through infertility? Yes! But do they have something that I am now realizing I may never have? Unfortunately, yes. And many of them have not been on this TTC train as long as I have, and that is SO frustrating. I know, I know, I have my own journey to experience...blah, blah, blah. Let's see, what else is triggering this? Well, ONE of the pregnant women at work (there's a revolving door of them, by the way), wrote happily on our "out board" that she'll miss us all as she trots off to her perfect delivery and maternity leave!! Again, yuck. Oh and let's not forget the three pregnant women at the grocery store who were also pushing at least one other child in their carts. For the third time, yuck. Then memories of high school friends came into my head, and I realized they all have multiple children now. And my wonderful mom is visiting, and it always amazes me how much we have in common, from our hair texture to the way we hold our hands when we are laying down. And then my head goes to the thought...what if I never have a biological child who will carry these traits? What if I can't give my family that joy? What if I never get to say, "You got that beautiful hair from your grandma!" And, there it is again, that sick to my stomach feeling. Why does all this stuff come flying at me in one day?!

Yes, I am excited about adopting. I am actually "giddy" excited about adopting! But, I still cannot shake the intense sadness infertility has brought me, the kind of sadness you feel in your chest because your heart hurts so much. I may never have a baby bump, a labor and delivery story, a child that carries my genetic traits. And that is painful to know. People think that because we are planning to adopt, we are "fine." And I guess we are fine. Certainly our plan to adopt has helped us move forward. But it doesn't change what we have been through, and it doesn't change the fact that we have lost two babies and are losing hope about ever having a biological child. Some days, I am really and truly NOT fine. Some days, I need the space to grieve what I have lost (including control over my own life, imagined or not). And to be angry about the crap I have been handed in the world of fertility...drugs, shots, invasive procedures, more shots, more procedures, more drugs...and on and on, all the while trying to survive the never-ending negatives that each month brings us. I may be learning to be stronger, wiser, etc...but I'm not Superwoman. Some days, it's just too much, and I buckle under the pain. And when that happens, what I'd like to say to family and friends is this: be patient with me. Understand that just holding it together 6 days out of the week takes all the energy I have, and I deserve a day to fall apart. I need to be able to be openly angry, and I need to have a good cry. I WILL be ok, I won't spiral down into the depths of oblivion. I just need a day to truly feel and express this pain, this TRAUMA that is infertility and loss. Today is one of those days. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day, and that my strength is back to carry me through yet another week....