Another Birthday

Well, I am 30 today. Thirty and childless. Wow, hard to believe. I have always wanted children so badly...I can't believe I am THIRTY without them. I just keep clinging to the desperate hope that next year I will be celebrating with my baby in my arms (I hoped that last year, too, but here we are). Please pray for me that by next year, my prayers are answered. I'm not sure how many more birthdays I can tolerate with empty arms.

That is always my first thought on every birthday...what I don't have. But, today, I have other thoughts, too. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am blessed. I was literally inundated with calls, texts, emails, cards, gifts and birthday wishes today. And, the best part was it seemed everyone knew the wish of my heart. They wrote things like "Hoping this year is the magic year you are waiting for" and "Hoping this year brings you all you are dreaming of." The infertiles of the world often struggle with what to share about our journey, because it is so sensitive and personal, and because the smallest "wrong" comment can send us over the edge. But, I have chosen to be open, to not be ashamed of my empty womb, and to allow others to love me and support me through this difficult time in my life. And people do! They take the opportunity to literally shower me with warm wishes. My heart is so full from the kindness of others. Today was a reminder of just how many people touch my life, and how many people are out there who love me and want only good things for me. I feel like the richest woman in the world!

So, tonight, we had a little party. My gorgeous nieces absolutely LOVE to come over and wish me happy birthday, bring me homemade cards, and eat brownies and ice cream. They are happy because I am happy on my special day. I love them so much, I'm afraid my heart will burst. They make every birthday worth celebrating - without them, I probably wouldn't celebrate at all. And that is the joy of children - they manage to make every day joyful. I am so thankful that their mom and dad raised them to love us, to consider us family. It is truly my honor to be their aunt.

As usual, today is another day to grieve, and another day to celebrate. It is so weird to always be on that fence. I have to choose which way I want to go each day. Today, I choose celebration! I have the best friends, family and co-workers that any girl could ever ask for. That is something I never want to take for granted. Happy Birthday to Me!

All adoption, all weekend (this is a long one, folks!)

Wow, this weekend has been a whirlwind! Before telling you about our classes and newest tasks, let me tell you about how wonderful it is to have family and friends who are so supportive. Today, I am highlighting one of my best friends (I have a few:)), Leann. We had adoption classes Friday night 6-9:30pm and Saturday 8:30am-5pm. We got back at 10pm on Friday night and found this on our bed:

We were exhausted, physically and emotionally. This gift was what we needed to fill us back up again, so we could go another day. It brings me to tears to know that I have such support during this journey. It is not an easy journey, nor is it the "normal" journey, and yet I have not had ONE family member or friend say or do anything that is not completely and totally supportive. This gift was a symbol of good things to come...she knew we were doing zebra print in our nursery, and she gave us a gift of hope, a gift of love. I am so blessed.

The classes were crunched, and consisted mostly of panels. We saw many adoptive parents speak, as well as a birth mom and an adoptee. We were in the class with only three other couples, so that was really nice. I didn't learn much...I have done enough research and talked to enough adoptive parents to know about everything they talked about:). But, our conversation when we left was classic:

Jason: So, what did you think?

Me: Eh, it was ok. I was hoping to learn more, hear more about what I don't know. But, I enjoyed it. What did you think?

Jason: I loved it! It made me 10 times more ready to adopt!!

LOL! Funny how two people, going through the same process, have such different experiences. I am so happy that it opened Jason's heart more to this process. I am also thankful that the daddies who presented helped Jason to see himself in their shoes. I am even more grateful that the birth mom, who obviously had pain around the loss of her two children, was able to tell her story and to remind us of birth parents' strength, courage, selflessness, and most of all, love for their children. We will never forget that, not for one minute. And we won't let our child forget it, either.

I could go on and on about classes, but I don't have the time and I'm sure you don't have the patience:). The next big thing that happened was that I took home a bunch of sample profiles (dear birth parent letters and photo collages). So, at 6pm last night, I sat down to edit my letter and work on my photo collage. I ended at about 9:30pm with another revised edition of the letter (I'm not sure how to know when it is done, when it is "good enough") and about half of our photo collage completed. Wow! This is going quickly!

What we still have left to do (notice how short the list is getting!):

Joint and Individual Interviews (Scheduled for March 5, we may have to do our wrap-up joint interview another day)

Medical forms (waiting for our doctor's appointments)

Another Financial Form we received this weekend (will be completed to give to her on Friday)

Letter, form about our family and background, and photo collage for THE book (should be done in next couple of weeks)

So, that is the deal for now! I have to say, everything became very real this weekend. Every parent that talked shared that they were picked very quickly. I realized I COULD be a mom within three months (but I know this may not happen, too). And then panic set in. I know we are ready, but...well, it is overwhelming! One of my biggest fears is how we will pay for all of it when I leave work, which I plan to do for 3-6 months. (And I won't even go into the intense feelings of loss I already feel about my job.) After that, I will probably go back for only 2 days a week, when daddy can be home with baby. That said, our income will be cut in half, and we will have a huge adoption bill (not to mention, baby furniture, accessories, diapers, etc). So, like I said, panic. I guess time will tell how we will do this. I just have to trust that what is meant to happen, will happen...and we'll be ok. And we'll be parents! Wow, can you even believe it??

An award? For me? Awwww, shucks!!!

I want to say thank you to Jodi who gave me this award on her blog:

How sweet is that?! Thank you, Jodi!! I accept:). And I feel the same about you and your blog!

The rules:

1. Say thank you and link pass to the blogger(s) who awarded this to you.

2. Pass it on to other bloggers you've recently discovered.

3. Link them to notify them.

4. Say 7 things about yourself.

Ok, 7 things about myself:

1. Pickles is one of my all-time favorite foods. My mom used frozen pickles with us for teething, so that may be the reason:).

2. I actually used to have some musical talent and primarily played the flute...and I played well!! I also played the alto saxophone for marching and pep band:). Yep, I was a band geek!

3. I have a secret wish to be an actress or singer or something in the spotlight...if you knew me, you may think that's weird.

4. Like Jodi, when I leave for work, I tell my doggies that I love them and to have a good day:).

5. I am a sucker for any kind of TV drama. I LOVE Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice and Brothers & Sisters!

6. I have a VERY quick temper and am actually not very patient. It just doesn't show in my work life, but Jason can tell you all about it!

7. I am not "religious" but have found myself to be more and more spiritual since losing my babies.

Here are the bloggers I love and want to pass this on to:

Rebekah (I went through and read her ENTIRE blog because I loved it so much:))

Baby Wanted (She and I are at similar milestones in the process and live in the same state! Oh, and she is doing a give away, so go to her blog here and check it out!)

Gretchen (Just adopted her baby girl from Ethiopia and is an inspiration!)

takingbabysteps (A great friend from my ttc board and on the biggest rollercoaster EVER right now!)

Sunshine (Also a great friend from my ttc board and someone I respect VERY much.)

Ok, I could pick many others, but these are my most recent additions. Keep an eye on my blog roll on the right side of my page for all my favorites. I add blogs at least on a weekly basis:)! If I could nominate Jodi again, I would. She has a difficult anniversary coming up, and we all know what that can be like. Please head on over there and offer your support.

Thank you to all my blog world and "real" world friends. I couldn't survive all of this without you.

The joy of nesting...

So, I haven't mentioned it on here yet, but I am planning our nursery! I have been inspired by Rebekah. She has the most beautiful nursery, and she also happens to have the most beautiful blog (Heart Cries)! Check it out! She has given me permission to post images of her nursery on my blog, so you can see the look I am going for. So, first of all, here is a picture of the full nursery:

And the chair I have been DYING to have in my nursery for years:

I found a similar one online at JCPenney.com (it isn't cheap, but I LOVE it):

Here are the crib and dresser I found at Walmart.com (baby mod brand):

And here is really the best part, the blanket Rebekah made:

Rebekah CREATED this blanket - isn't she brilliant? So, of course, when I saw this, I just couldn't find ANYthing as wonderful. I asked my friend's mom, Sheree, and she agreed to make something like this for me (thank you so much, Sheree:))! SOOO exciting:)! I think I am going to go with zebra print (I'm copying Rebekah's creative ideas, but don't want to get TOO creepy:)). Here is the zebra print I am thinking of putting into the blanket:

Ok, so what do you think? I REALLY want feedback. If you can find something better (crib and dresser, black and white print for the blanket, etc), PLEASE send me information. I may only get to do this once, so I want it to be GOOD! If you have ideas on where to get cribs, dressers or gliders cheaper, let me know! This is shaping up to be a not-so-cheap nursery, as you can imagine:).

This is a big step for me, people. I have avoided having a nursery since our first miscarriage. I had a nursery in our first house, over three years ago, and the pain of an empty nursery is too much to bear. I avoided the idea of a nursery so much, that we used the room in our current house as storage for the last 1.5 years. As of last weekend, it is storage no more!!! The only things in that room are baby things! It's time to make a home for our little Baby E, hopefully to be home soon! Anyway, again, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I have this feeling that as I fill the empty room, my empty womb and my aching heart will begin to heal, also. So, I am officially nesting!

I was driving today with tears in my eyes as my worst memories flashed before me. Sadly, this is often what happens in my quiet time. All I can see are doctors and ultrasounds and death in front of me. All I can hear in my head during these moments is, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." As I was caught in my thoughts, this song came on the radio:

If you want to hear the song (it really is beautiful) go here.

I was walking home from school on a cold winter's day
Took a shortcut through the woods and I lost my way
It was getting late and I was scared and alone
Then a kind old man took my hand and led me home
Mama couldn't see him, but he was standing there
But I knew in my heart, he was the answer to my prayers

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

When life dealt troubled times and had me down on my knees
There's always been someone there to come along and comfort me
A kind word from a stranger to lend a helping hand
A phone call from a friend just to say I understand
Ain't it kind of funny at the dark end of the road
Someone lights the way with just a single ray of hope

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love

They wear so many faces
Show up in the strangest places
Grace us with thier mercy
In our time of need

Oh I believe there are angels among us
Sent down to us from somewhere up above
They come to you and me in our darkest hours
To show us how to live
To teach us how to give
To guide us with a light of love


The moment did not escape me. Honestly, I have never heard that song on the radio, that I can remember. But it came to me when I was at my lowest point in the day. I do believe there are angels among us. So, I just want to take a moment to thank my angels, both in real life and online. Your thoughts, words, comments, and support mean the world to me. Thank you, Lord, for reminding me of my angels when I needed them the most. Amen.

Here's to tomorrow...

It's been one of those days...the kind of day you're not sure you'll be able to survive. It all started about 2 weeks ago, when I agreed to be on a "parent panel" for nurses and techs at the hospital. It was organized by the CARE program at our small town hospital, which is meant to support families who have experienced prenatal and infant loss. I was hooked up with the program after my first loss, and have been involved on and off since then. I stopped going to the support group for 2 reasons: 1) Everyone there had living children and could get pregnant easily, and therefore couldn't truly connect with my story and 2) The woman who runs the program has never experienced a loss. But, I still receive their newsletter and I was asked to be on the parent panel to help educate health professionals about what parents who are experiencing/have experienced a loss need from them. I firmly believe that it is my job as a mommy of two angels to educate others about my reality, so I agreed to do the panel.

Turns out, that was a bad idea. Let me paint a picture... I get to the very small and cramped conference room, and there are eight women present. The CARE coordinator, four nurses and techs, and three of us parents on the panel. Guess how many out of that group of eight were pregnant? It's still unbelievable to me...FOUR (that I knew of)!!! I mean, seriously?! One was the CARE coordinator, 2 were the other bereaved moms on the panel (because MOST bereaved moms get to go on and have healthy babies) and one was a nurse who had just experienced a loss recently and is perfectly pregnant again. Fabulous. Talk about your "position in life" as an infertile being thrown in your face!!!

So, I told my story (storIES, since I've had two losses), cried like a baby, and then went on to have a crappy day. I think part of the reason I was so emotional was because I was surrounded by fertiles, and I was totally and completely alone. How sad is it that even in a room of women who have lost babies, I still feel alone? My pain goes so much deeper, my loss so much more extensive. As I sat in that room, it hit me like a truck, right in the gut. All I could do was blubber, explain to them my unique position and how they could better support people like me in their hospital, and walk away feeling like a complete failure at being a woman. In a room full of women who CAN do what we are "made to do," I felt inadequate, damaged and just plain unnatural. It was the worst feeling I could have imagined. I still can't believe that it all happened...I'm still in shock at the intense pain that entered my heart today so unexpectedly.

And I've cried all day since. My head is throbbing, and I'm exhausted. But I do want to tell you two things that made this day survive-able:

1) I told them I was going to be an adoptive mom and pleaded to them that they also have empathy for adoptive parents when they are at the hospital. I explained that many of us adoptive parents have experienced loss, and are vulnerable, just like those amazing birth moms who are lying in the bed. Who knows? Maybe they will think of me the next time they get to witness the miracle of birth and adoption and will have more sensitivity to the unique situations of birth parents and adoptive parents. A girl can hope.... Once again, adoption protected my heart.

2) I went back to my office and decided to reach out to my best friend. I really needed a friend. There is a silent distance between us at times due to her pregnancy (and three other healthy children) and due to my infertility (and two dead babies). We love each other dearly, and we have resigned to prevail over this obstacle in our friendship, and we will. With that in mind, I asked for her support, and I got it. Isn't that beautiful? I was able to tell her how badly it hurt, how deeply this experience cut me, and she was able to hear it, and I mean really hear it. In those moments, were weren't an "infertile" and "fertile" talking, it was just us, the best friends we have been since ninth grade. And I needed that. I am thankful for this day in that it allowed us the opportunity to come together and support each other. Thank God for friends - some days would not be survive-able without them.

I'm not saying this day was great...it wasn't. It seems as soon as I get "cocky," thinking I am doing so well, being so brave...life throws me a curveball, and I am promptly put back into my place. What I am realizing, as I sit and write this is... I SURVIVED! A day that I swear could have done me in did not win! It sucked, and it hurt, and I'm not happy about it. But, I survived, and I am here to experience another day.

So, lift your glasses, ladies! "Here's to tomorrow being another day, and hopefully a day that holds more joy than pain. Cheers!"

Love

I've been wondering today... How can one heart feel so incomplete, yet also swell with love for a future child? I feel both things, simultaneously. How is that even possible? It must be what happens for those of us who lose children and go on to have more children. When you lose a child, the hole in your heart, the immensely deep hole, takes its place, and it resides there forever. It's indescribable to anyone who does not know that hole. It is with you every day, with every beat of your heart. And I wouldn't want it any other way. Both of my babies have left their mark, and as their mommy, it is my job to carry their spirit with me, forever. I don't care how briefly they were here, they were loved with the relentless love of their mother. And when you love someone so deeply, and you lose them, your heart never is whole again. Never.

And then we made the decision to adopt, and I feel the change within me, within us. I never went into adoption thinking it would fill those holes. I need that ache in my heart, because it is all I have left of my precious angels. But, my heart aches for something else, too. My heart is desperate to be a mom. And that feeling is also indescribable to anyone who hasn't intimately known that ache. We carry it everywhere. Imagine every time you see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby, a car seat, a daddy enjoying his child, a stroller, a playground, an ultrasound picture, the baby aisle at target, a picture of a smiling family, the extra room down the hall in your home...imagine every time you see one of those things, a weight presses down on your chest and the pressure hurts so badly, you cry. It's not easy living with that urgent ache, that desire.

Adopting our child will never fill the holes in my heart that the loss of my sweet babies created. That is too big a job for one little baby! What adoption has brought to me, is hope. It's allowed my heart to begin to heal. It has allowed me to feel the filling of your heart that every mom feels when she is expecting. The knowledge of good things to come. And that is a gift. I am not going in blind, but I am going in with a heart dripping with love, literally oozing with it. My heart is full! I know Jason's is, too. Now, Lord, we are ready. Bring it on!