The Dark Side of Faith

As I sit and watch Army Wives tonight, I am reminded of the not-so-pretty side of myself. In many ways, my infertility and loss of two babies have made me hard. And I don't like it. But, to stay true to my quest to make sure the entire experience of my infertility (even the dirty parts) is shared, I want to be honest. Here it goes...

Those of you who watch TV at all know that there is literally NO show on the market that does not include someone getting pregnant at some point. I mean, even The Office had to go and ruin the show with the crazy Jim and Pam baby story. If you watch Army Wives, you know Roxy is pregnant. If you are like me, you wanted to throw up, as once again, one of your favorite shows, one of the things that brings you joy at the end of the day, is now also something that brings you pain. Now, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Every time I see someone get pregnant on TV or in the movies (usually unexpectedly, or literally one show after they decide to start trying), I wish they would miscarry.

What?! Did I just say that?! Yes, I did, but let me explain. I don't wish them ill will (I mean, they are TV characters for goodness sakes). I don't hate them, I don't want them to hurt the way I have hurt. What I want is for my experience to be part of our society, to be recognized and acknowledged, even in the media. I want my story to repeat in people's minds as they watch their favorite shows, because it repeats in mine every minute of every day. Mostly, I want to stop feeling like a complete and total freak of nature.

Every time I am in the real world, I am reminded that 95% of the population can get pregnant easily, have relatively easy pregnancies, and give birth to perfectly healthy, beautiful babies. And it hurts, for many reasons...but mostly because I can't. I literally cannot do that. So, is it too much to ask that when I am in the comfort of my own home, watching my favorite "stories," that my story is also told? Is it too much to ask that I am not made to feel like some alien who doesn't belong with the rest of the child-bearing women on this planet? Must I be reminded repeatedly of my painfully rare empty womb, my precious angels lost too soon?

So, am I evil? I honestly don't know. Am I the only infertile woman who feels this way? I'm not sure. Until now, I haven't been brave enough to share these feelings. I want to make one thing clear: I am not proud of them. I am normally a compassionate, sometimes overly caring and empathic person. I have to believe that this desire to see pain in my favorite TV characters' lives is not an indication of a lurking propensity towards evil inside of me, but really a desperate attempt to feel like I belong in a world that has become so painfully foreign to me.

Shared Fate

The following excerpts are taken from "The Long Awaited Stork: A Guide to Parenting After Infertility" by Ellen Sarasohn Glazer

"Adoptive parents, their child, and their child's birthparents do, indeed, have a shared fate. Had any of them had their first choice in life, they would not be together in the adoption triangle."

I have been looking at this shared fate, or what I like to call "shared grief," as a nasty thing. It has actually been making me terrified to adopt. Honestly, I have felt that I might be an awful adoptive parent, because this wasn't my first choice, and because I would worry that my child would always want his/her "real" parents, and therefore always be unhappy. However, this book has allowed me to look at it in a new light. This "shared fate" can actually be a wonderful foundation for a family:

"When they are at odds, when the going gets rough, adoptive parents and children can hopefully find some comfort in feeling that they came together through fate. Unlike biological families, which are formed without question, adoptive families are usually the result of a great deal of pain and soul-searching."

Yes! What if, instead of fighting our feelings of shared grief and trying to deny it exists, we embrace it? Not to make the story of our family a sad one, but to make it an honest one? And when we are honest, we are able to share and have empathy for each other. That is a gift! When we can do this, maybe the relationships between adoptive parents and their children, and between first parents and adoptive parents, don't have to be so scary. Maybe we all have a different and deeper understanding of each other, if we allow ourselves to open our hearts to another's experience. A parent in this book writes:

"We came together after each of us had suffered an enormous loss. That we survived the loss and became a family is something we will always share and which, I believe, will help us stay close."

Out of the ashes of loss and shared grief, we can create a beautiful family, with all members of the triad welcome. I want to see the beauty at the other side of this, not just the pile of ashes that must bring us to this place. I'm going to keep working on this...

Friends, A TV Show Review

I'd like to talk about my all-time favorite show, Friends. Jason and I LOVE it! We always said we were like Monica and Chandler....WAY before infertility entered our lives. How ironic. I was thinking about this show this morning, and how infertility and adoption are portrayed in the media, and decided to do a "TV show review" on Friends (not as academic as a book review to be sure:))!

First, let's talk infertility. I believe the Bing's (that's Monica and Chandler in case you don't watch...and if you don't watch, what is WRONG with you?!) journey with infertility lasted about half a season. Somewhere around that time, their great friend, Rachel, became pregnant with an "oopsy" and went on to have a perfect daughter (apparently condoms don't work 100% of the time and "THEY SHOULD PUT THAT ON THE BOX!!"). LOL, I digress. In fact, Monica and Chandler took care of her daughter as they were trying to conceive, unsuccessfully. Not ONCE did they portray the tension, pain, sadness, anger, etc that comes between friends when one can conceive and carry a child so easily, and the other cannot. The only grief they showed us about the Bing's infertility was when the doctor called and told them they both have issues and will not be able to have children together. Monica and Chandler had a brief conversation about options, and decided in about two minutes that they both agreed on next steps (how often does THAT happen?).

Cut to the next few episodes, and all of a sudden they are happily adopting (no reservations at all). Yeah, because that's how it happens. Certainly, we don't go through a grieving process when we give up on the idea of having biological children, and we obviously don't have any reservations, because adopting is so easy, right? Their homestudy is seamless and the match quick. I will give them credit, though, where credit is due. They definitely showed the nervousness we feel as our homes are being scrutinized by social workers, and they for sure showed Monica's intense desire to get a call as soon as possible.

What I loved about how they portrayed the adoption process was how open it was. They met the birth mom, came to know and love her, and were there when the babies were born (yes, she had twins). It ended there, though. They happily took two babies home and "bid ado" to the birth mom. No mention of the intense grief she was experiencing (I know, I know, not real life here), and no mention of an adjustment period for these babies, who just lost their first mom (the birth dad was non-existent).

In summary....

What I loved:

• They actually tackled infertility, however surface level - Go Friends!
• They showed how wonderful open adoption can be.
• America got another opportunity to watch the process (however simple) of adoption, and this hopefully makes it less scary for people.
• And my favorite part - Monica and Chandler did NOT get pregnant as soon as they "relaxed" or as soon as they adopted. I HATE when movies about infertility end with the couple happily pregnant after just relaxing...uggghhh, gag me! Again, a point for Friends!

What I didn't so much love:

• The intense pain and grief of infertility was smashed into one scene when the dooming news was shared by the doctor (Jason so eloquently reminds that it IS a comedy, Faith!).
• There was absolutely no conflict between Monica and Chandler about next steps - in reality, we know that infertility can put a huge wedge between couples, for many, many reasons.
• The grief that comes with letting go of expectations (and control) and deciding to adopt was not addressed.
• The birth mom's real experience was totally lost, as was the babies' experience, for that matter.

After writing this, what I've decided is, over all, they did a good job with telling a story with the forum that they had. It is a comedy after all, with lots of story lines. The fact that we, as infertiles and adoptive-parents-to-be, were even a piece of those story lines is definitely a step in the right direction!

So, now I want to know what you think. Do you feel Friends made your story more visible, and therefore more real to people? Or do you feel that it just lessened others' understanding by minimizing everything? Or do you not think this much about your favorite TV shows and just not care...and pretty much think I'm crazy?!

The New Look!

Two posts in one day - wow, you all are sure lucky:)! LOL! Anyway, as you have noticed, I have a new look and I LOVE it! In case you are interested for your blog, mine was done by Kelsey. Click on her name to see her blog and her business. Her button is also on the left side of my page. I can tell you that I contacted her late Friday night and my new blog was up and running today! Amazing! I can also tell you that I am a picky person, and I had a lot of questions, and details that I changed. She was patient and worked with me on every little thing. Again, if you are looking for an awesome look to your blog, for a relatively cheap price, check her out!

P.S. I want to take this opportunity to thank you all for your comments. I read them all and they bring a smile to my face. I also loved the names, and I have added a few from your lists to our list:). Thanks again, everyone, for always being there!

One Month

I guess it is time for an update, don't ya' think? Let's see, the biggest update about the nursery is that we ordered our crib and dresser! It should be here after the 19th, and I can't wait to finally have that room started! I am still struggling with fabric decisions for the blanket, but I am only one more fabric away! Then, it will be ready for my dear "Arizona mom" to make - we are so blessed to have her doing this for us. Lord knows I couldn't do it myself:)! I'd like to also share my newest purchase because I'm so dang excited about it:

I have to admit, I'm not normally an "artsy" decorator, and this piece feels artsy to me. But I LOVE it!! It's ok if you hate it though - Jason does!! LOL!! Oh, by the way, it's a "piggy" bank in case you can't tell! I haven't decided if it will go right on the dresser or somewhere on the shelves - which I can't find. Yep, I literally cannot find the kind of black shelves I am looking for! I also found a lamp at Target I like, but still wasn't completely sure, so I added to my registry and we'll see what happens! So, the summary is, we have started, but I'm still lost! I am not a wonderful decorator, so I'm just clumsily finding my way!

In case you all aren't counting, we have now been officially waiting for ONE MONTH. I think the best part of this week was that our social worker (L) emailed me. Our certification order came in, so we are officially certified! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to be good parents because the court said so! How many other parents get to say that?! What was amazing, though, was the empathy that L showed for my impatience. She understood that the wait is hard. She did tell me that they have had some matches lately, so the list is shrinking. She also told me that she has us in mind for a young couple who is looking for a couple who wants a very open relationship and isn't very religious. That's us! Of course, who knows if they would pick us...and they won't be ready to look at profiles for another 4 or 5 months, which means they are very early in their pregnancy. She said she plans on showing us to this couple "if we don't have our baby by then." She also mentioned a couple other birth moms she is considering showing us to. Overall, it's all good news! I just have to learn patience. I hear the wait gets easier after about 2 months...do those of you who are waiting, or who have your babies, agree? Does this ever get easier? I'll update y'all at the two month mark, and let you know if it's gotten any easier for me:).

That is all the updates for now! Keep a close eye out on my blog, as it is getting a MAKEOVER! I am SO excited to unveil the new blog - it is going to be gorgeous! Until then, happy blogging!

Baby Names

Ok, I decided to move away from my typical kinds of posts, to solicit some advice for baby names, because we are struggling! I have surfed the internet and really only have an attention span of about a half hour before I get overwhelmed! That said, Jason and I tend to always have differing opinions:). So, in order to get some good ideas without having to look at thousands of names on the internet, I'd love to hear/read your ideas!

Let's see, my guideline is that I don't want a name that is SO popular that my child is going to have five other children in his/her kindergarten class with the same name. People always remember my name because it is unique, and simple. I've valued that, and I have loved that people comment on my name all the time. So, I want the same for my child, of course:). Jason does not want anything too off the wall, and wants a pretty "normal" sounding name, although he is ok with unique, as long as it's not weird. Not too hard, right? You'd think:)!

I also have it in the back of my mind that our child will have a first mom and dad. If we are close with them, we'd of course like to know their opinion. But, we have to start somewhere. So, PLEASE leave ideas in the comments. Those of you who are family, let us know if there are any names that are sentimental that you would like us to consider. We're all ears! I'm so excited to hear from all of you! Thank you in advance!

Remembering Baby Boy E

It was two years ago today that I heard the words that changed my life. "I'm sorry, your baby does not have a heartbeat." It was two years ago today that I learned that life is unfair and cruel and that bad things do happen to good people. I always knew people said those things, but life taught me a hard lesson that day. And it did not get easier. It does for some people. They go on to get pregnant again, have healthy babies, move on in their life. And, while the pain was excruciating, I thought I would be able to do that, too. But, since that fateful day, we have experienced over 2 years (and counting) of infertility, and another loss. So, our lives were truly and fully changed on April 4, 2008. I'd like to take a moment today and remember our first child. He was a light in our lives, if only briefly.

Our only pictures of our son. At 11.5 weeks, he only measured 7.5 weeks.

How do you love a person who never got to be, Or try to envision a face you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live, when there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night. Wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before you ever were born, to live the lovely night of life but never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years. No more, no less, I think of you, the Angel of my tears.

-Author Unknown

Mommy loves you, my sweet angel. Godspeed, little man.