Jackson's 1 Year Photos....

Yep, I am WAY late on this. Over 2 months late. I have no excuse. There are more photos, but it's too much work trying to get them on here (they are BIG files and take forever to upload), so this is just a sampling:). Our little man has become such a big boy. He mimics things now, he plays with a purpose - for example, stacking rings instead of taking them apart, putting all the play food in the play pot, making the "vroom" noise when he has a car or when he wants to push us in his car (a cardboard box he likes to ride in:))... It's amazing. He is communicating with his actions now - tonight he stopped playing and walked to the bathroom when he was ready to go to bed so I could brush his teeth. Amazing! He also walked to the kitchen after his bath and cried when I tried to stop in the living room. He wanted his bottle, so he needed me to follow him to the kitchen! I wish he could use words, but for now, he's making himself pretty clear:). Jackson has the most amazing laugh and he loves to play silly games with us and giggle. He now begins the play and gives us cues on which games he wants to play. And my heart is so full just thinking about it! He is teething like crazy, he's got some rough molars coming in. And, bless his heart, he STILL sleeps through the night. He wakes up crying now and then, but by the time I get the energy up to go in there, he's already back to sleep. That's my good boy:). Jackson is learning to climb. Last night, he used the throw pillow on the floor as a step up to the couch and then proudly sat there playing with the remote control, just like mommy and daddy! I just love everything he does! This is such a fun age, and he is such a fun boy. I'll never get over how blessed we are to be his mom and dad. What a miracle he is.

Addison is 8 Months Old!!

Well, time keeps marching on! And our sweet little girl turned 8 months old. This girl is a SERIOUS go-getter. She never stops moving. Changing her diaper is an olympic event, I kid you not. When we take her into stores in the grocery cart, she bounces up and down constantly and you can hear her coming because the metal is clanging so much, lol! Addison is determined and persistent. If she wants something, she just keeps moving and pushing and concentrating until she gets it. She is like me in that way - NOTHING will get in her way if she wants something bad enough. I love watching her as she fights her way to whatever it is she wants. Because I fought my way to her in the exact same way.

Addison is crawling all over and is very competent now at pulling up to stand - she rarely falls now. She can get up and down quite gracefully. She has moved between things - like from the ottoman to the coffee table, but she is still not quite cruising on a regular basis. She is babbling a lot now and it is so freakin' adorable. She says "ba ba ba" and "da da da" and "ma ma ma." She sometimes plays in her crib before and after naps now (instead of screaming) and we love to hear her squealing and babbling in there. She squeals and growls a lot in general, but getting her to laugh is a special occasion. She still only has her bottom two teeth, but seems to be working on her top two - she's been really fussy and clingy lately and chewing on her fingers a lot.

Addison is still not really a fan of baby food. We did move her to Stage 2 foods, but she rarely eats more than a half of a jar for each meal, and even a half jar is a good feeding. Usually she takes 1 or 2 bites, then just fusses until we let her out of her chair. She also has tried cheerios and puffs, but again, she hasn't quite figured those out. I guess we should just go at her pace and hope she eventually makes her peace with food. She will go a few days sometimes when she will eat really well and excitedly. But then she always goes back to refusing it. Addison is sleeping from about 7:30 or 8pm until around 7 or 7:30am (although she was up at 6:30am the last 2 mornings, hope this isn't her new wake up time!). She gets up twice during the night to eat, usually around 1am and 4:30am. I really hope she drops one of those soon, but she's really showing no signs of being ready yet. I've talked to lots of moms lately who have babies who do this, so I'm now thinking this is actually more the norm than babies sleeping through the night by 6 months old? Who knows. I like to think this is just normal - it makes it more tolerable for me:). My favorite moments with her are before nap times and bed time when I rock her and nurse her and she cuddles with me and falls asleep (because she is moving non-stop the rest of the day:)). Seeing how quickly Jackson has become a "big boy," I know that these moments will be gone before I know it. So I just study her face and soak in her scent and pray that I can somehow remember these moments when she is bigger. I just look at her in sheer awe. What an amazing blessing she is.

Well, I guess that's enough for now about our precious "Addy pants." I asked her today if she wouldn't mind just staying my little baby forever. Jason wasn't a fan (he, like most daddies, is looking forward to the older stages:)). I honestly can't imagine loving her ANY more than I do right now, so I just want to freeze time and cherish every second with my baby girl. I hope she knows, on some level, how very much I love her. It actually hurts to think about it, I love her that much. Happy 8 months, my sweet girl. We love you more than words could ever express.

We Love Grandmas

We have been so blessed to have two of our babies' grandmas visit them recently. We live far away from our families, and the hardest part of that distance is knowing my babies do not know their families. I never had a special grandma or grandpa growing up, but Jason did (does). And I know how magical it can be for some kids. I want that for my kids. There is a special love that only grandmas can have for their grandchildren. I want my babies to feel that. They deserve it. I see other children around me with grandmas tripping over themselves to be with them and I crave that for my babies. They deserve to have more people than just mommy and daddy who think they are the best thing EVER. For now, we are just lucky that their grandmas choose to take their precious time and money to come and see them. Jackson and Addison are so lucky to have these 2 amazing grandmas - GiGi (Grandma Gail, Jason's mom) and Nana (my mom). When they are around, my babies are the center of their universe. I love watching that. You can see why...

Getting a "car ride" from GiGi - it is exhausting work but GiGi would do it for him all day long if he wanted.

At the pool. Two gorgeous girls:).

Another fun day at the pool with Nana. This picture reminds me of pictures of me as a baby with my mom.

Center of her universe, right there.

Love in a picture.

I also love to have the historical perspective when the grandmas are around. They tell us about how we were when we were babies, how much our babies are like us or not like us, and what worked and didn't work for them. Becoming a parent is such a magical time - sharing it with our moms is a blessing. Maybe one day we will be closer to them. Until then, we treasure the time they spend with us, and our two little miracles.

Well, helloooo, Attitude!

Jackson has hit an interesting stage. One I do not like one bit. Tonight, I had told him "no" about something and then he turned around and tried to walk away but fell and bumped his head. He got mad. Like, HOLY COW mad! He was screaming and I immediately scooped him up like I normally do. And he looked at me with these angry eyes and hit me in the face. And pulled away. And screamed some more. He was so mad...at ME! I couldn't comfort him. He has been having fleeting moments of anger with us when we take something away or tell him "no," but the pure anger (and it felt like hate!) in his eyes tonight and the high pitched screaming was unbelievable. I finally put him down and tickled him a little and he snapped out of it. But wow. I was shaken to the core. My son has begun the important developmental task of learning that mommy can be good and bad. And I don't like watching him figure that out. Breaks my heart.

Jackson is sensitive - to put it lightly. He is SO happy when he is happy. But if he is sad or angry, those emotions are BIG too. I know that he will always need support in regulating his emotions. They just take over and he seems unable to control them when they feel so big for him. So I know that this new realization that he can be mad at mommy is really affecting him. He's having a hard time with it.

And I'm having a hard time with it, too. He has begun to hit for attention and in anger. He is rough with Addison. And he does things he knows he's not supposed to just to get a reaction from us. So, while he is working on his developmental task, I am working on my own - how to stay calm and accept myself when I am not liking my 1 year old very much. I know it's not the "nice mommy" thing to say, but it's true. For that brief moment, anger ripped through my body. He hit me, and his eyes showed the anger behind that violence! But he is only one, and he is my baby, and we figured it out. But I can't help but feel guilty that I didn't like him very much in that moment.

This mommy stuff is hard. I thought the baby stage was hard, but today was my wake up call - it's all hard. It's also all rewarding.

All About My Sweet Boy

I'm not doing monthly updates now that Jackson is one year old, but it doesn't mean I don't want to brag about him as often as possible:). This little boy lights up our life in every way. He is so happy! He loves his drumsticks and looks for them first thing in the morning and is generally walking around with one or both of them throughout the day. He loves walking around, so whenever we go somewhere new, he likes to be put down and explore! He has gotten more comfortable in new places and is less anxious when we put him down, so he really can enjoy all our outings now! We take him (and Addy) to the park, the mall, Target and even to a farm!

Jackson has begun dancing now to any music he hears. And it is seriously the cutest thing EVER! If I knew how to post videos, I would post one - but I don't, lol! Suffice it to say, it is the funniest thing you have ever seen. Even when he is in his high chair, he rocks back and forth to the music. I can't help but laugh every time. And speaking of laughing, Jackson has quite the sense of humor. He knows when he has made us laugh and he loves to repeat whatever it is he did to get a reaction out of us. So sweet. He also waves now and says "hi" and likes to greet people in stores.

I have started giving the babies baths together all on my own. It is a little hectic, but it goes pretty well! Jackson is quite the bully with his little sister. He likes to take toys right out of her hands, and he likes to hit her with his toys. Yikes. He's a rough and tough little boy. That is until we go to the pediatrician's office. Our poor little guy has had a very persistent diaper rash that turned into a yeast infection then back to a rash. The minute we walk into to the examination room, Jackson falls apart. The nurse just being in the room sends him into a panic. Every time. No matter what. It's so sad. He HATES being examined. He really doesn't like strangers in his personal space. He's been this way since about his 6 month well baby visit.

Jackson has become quite attached to the monkey lovey he is holding in this picture. We have had to shut his bedroom door when he's awake now because he will find his way down the hallway and to his crib and pull his monkey out. He'll then walk around sucking his thumb and cuddling his monkey. It is beyond adorable. But we want that to be a bedtime thing - the thumb AND the monkey:).

Well, I could go on for days about this little man. But I'm sure many of you checked out about 3 paragraphs ago:). Let's just say that Jackson makes our world a million times happier. We love everything about him. He's an emotional little guy and requires a great deal of TLC, but we wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed.

Addison is 7 months old!!!

Oh wow, here we go again! Another month down. Our sweet Addison is already 7 months old (a few days ago!). The pictures this month turned out AMAZING. Addison has finally let go of her "beef" with the camera flash and actually smiles for pictures. I love it!! This was a big month for our precious girl developmentally. She is now a stable sitter. She sits up and plays with toys on the floor and moved to her bath chair in the bath tub too! She also went to Target and sat in the cart like a big girl! She normally did shopping trips in a baby carrier on my chest, but not anymore! She can move with ease between sitting and crawling and back. And that's another big step for her - she now crawls on her hands and knees, instead of the army crawling she had been doing. She looks so cute crawling around with her little butt sticking out:). And, lastly, Addison started pulling herself up to stand recently. This was an incredible shock to me...since Jax didn't do this for another couple of months. But pull up she did. And now she is constantly doing it on EVERYthing, including us. I was in the kitchen working with something on the counter and she pulled herself up on my legs and was standing there and sticking her head between my legs looking up at me - so sweet! I am amazed at what a different baby she has become this month. She is doing so much more now!

However, in the eating department, we seem to be stuck. Addison continues to refuse baby food half the time. We are lucky if she eats 1-2 Stage 1 jars a day. We attempt to feed her baby food 3 times a day. She often snaps her mouth shut and stares at us as if to say, "Do you REALLY think I'm going to eat that?!" We know she likes it because sometimes she'll eat an entire jar in one sitting. The only thing we know she hates is the meats - she gags the minute we put those in her mouth. I don't blame her, that stuff looks and smells nasty! I try to sneak cereal into her fruits and veggies because she also refuses to eat that, and I know she needs the vitamins. She is nursing about 4 times a day and 2 times a night and seems to be getting enough to eat. I guess we're just going to have to take it slow in the food department. I'm wary to even move her to Stage 2 foods because she may not make it through a whole jar before I have to throw it away. Oh well.

And as for sleep, Addison is doing ok. Overall, I'd say we're pretty lucky. She now goes to bed around 8pm and wakes up between 7 and 8am usually. BUT, there are also 2 feeding times in the middle there. She has been getting up around 11pm or so and then again around 5am. It's not fun. But, I often remind myself that at least I know she is ok when she wakes up and it is special quiet time that she and I spend together when she nurses in the middle of the night. I know one day, she won't cuddle much at all with me. Jackson already just goes to bed and sleeps through the night, and I often miss him and wish I could go in there and snuggle with him. So, I am trying to be patient and just enjoy those mid-night feedings, even though I am so tired I can barely hold my body up! And then Addison takes 2 naps a day, usually around the same times Jackson does thank goodness. They are usually around 11am and 3pm and last anywhere from 1.5 - 3 hours. Not too bad at all!

I look at Addison sometimes during the day and tears spring to my eyes because I honestly cannot believe I have her. There were so many nights I cried for hours because I didn't know if I'd ever be able to stay pregnant, to have a baby. And then we lost two babies. And then she surprised us at a very inconvenient time, lol! And then the HCG levels didn't rise, and I thought I was losing her. And now here she is, 7 months old, GORGEOUS and perfect in every way. I actually just squeeze her and smell her and remind myself that she IS real. I feel like the luckiest woman in the entire world every day. Happy 7 months, sweet girl. I love you so, so much - more than you'll ever know.

A Tall Bucket of Crazy

I think it's time to introduce you to the neurotic side of me. Or what my husband so lovingly calls my "bucket of crazy." I don't often go into all sides of my emotional life here (does anyone?), but something has shifted in me since being a mom. And writing has always been cathartic for me. And maybe someone out there will tell me they feel the same way and I won't feel so darned crazy.

I have found myself worrying about something bad happening to me, my babies, or my family a lot lately. I am the happiest I have ever been. I finally feel like everything is in balance in my life. Like all the work I put into college, graduate school, my career and, finally and most importantly, my family has paid off. This is where I always wanted to be. And now that I'm here, I am terrified that something is going to take this peace away from me.

This most likely comes from hearing a lot of sad stories lately. Sweet Ruby Jane, a 7 month old baby girl, passed away due to a bad liver. They found out she was sick when she was about 5 months old and couldn't find a suitable donor in time. I now follow her mommy's blog and literally ache with grief for her. A 3 month old baby boy, Gabriel, was killed by a drunk driver who crossed a barrier and smashed into the car he was in. An online friend of mine rushed into the wreckage to try and save him. But he was already gone. Too soon. And, just today, another blogger posted about a mommy who lost her 4 month old baby girl, Maddie, to SIDS earlier this year. All of these stories hurt me to the core. Maybe it's because my babies are close to these ages, I don't know. My absolute need to protect them is so intense that the thought of anything happening to them sends me into a panic. And if something happened to me...well, no baby should have to live without his/her momma. And I don't want that for them. I know these stories are rare. I know I should just enjoy this bliss that is mommyhood. And I usually do. But, periodically, throughout the day, I look at them and tears spring to my eyes as I remember those 3 babies and think about how I would survive such a loss. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I love Jackson and Addison so very much. I love my husband. I just love my family. Is it weird that I have a hard time believing that this place of happiness can exist indefinitely? Maybe because I've never been in this place before? No matter the reason, I gotta work on this. Believe me, I don't let this "crazy" dominate my life. It's just like this dull worrying in the back of my mind. And I don't want it there. But maybe this is what people mean when they say you will always worry about your children?

So, there you go, your journey into my conflicted emotional world:). I always appreciate your support, so thank you for allowing me this safe place to write this out.