I am here!

I know I am an awful blogger.  As I've mentioned before, I don't often know what exactly to post.  Do I tell you about how neither of Jackson's birthparents have agreed to see him since January and how that breaks my heart?  Or about our recent visit to the petting zoo/pumpkin patch and how fun that was?  Or how Jackson has really been pushing our buttons and I am scared at how angry he can make me in such a short amount of time?  Or how overwhelmed I have been with trying to balance work and home?  Or how my job has really taken a bad turn recently?  Or how my husband's partner and friend was just killed in the line of duty and it has forever changed how I will see myself as a federal agent's wife?  Or how about how Addison just talks and talks now and is such a big girl...a big girl who still asks to nurse many times a day:)?  Or how Jackson gets SO excited about the moon every time he sees it?

Every time I sit down, I just can't organize myself to think about what to write - what is important and what is not, what people will want to take the time to read, what message do I want to send as I write?  When I was struggling with infertility and loss, my purpose was so clear on this blog.  Now I just don't know.  So I'll just leave you with a few pics and if you have a strong opinion on what I should be writing about, please comment!

Our first time to the carnival - they loved it:)!

First time painting (not counting Color Wonder paint).

A guy in the park let Jackson fly his kite - too cute:).

The pumpkin patch.

Addy at the park - she loves the slide.

My little man is TWO!

Parenting is incredibly bittersweet.  I now know the full definition of that word.  In every new stage there are feelings of intense grief - so much magic and beauty gone forever, only to be remembered in our minds, hearts and in pictures and videos.  But, of course, with every new stage also comes new magic, new moments of bliss.  I always think parenting Jackson could not get any better....and then it does.   The two year old stage is amazing!

Jackson understands SO much more now.  He can actually help with things around the house...like if we are trying to leave the house and I need his or Addy's sippy cup to fill with water, I can tell him to go find it and bring it to me...and he does!  He has SO much language now (I almost can't believe I worried about language for him, lol!).  He uses 2 and 3 word sentences (i.e. Mommy, more meat!).  He knows how to tell us what he wants (more water please) or what he doesn't want (no, no night night!).   He absolutely loves to sit and read books now, and I have waited for this for a long time!  Jackson has taken leaps and bounds cognitively.  He has great problem solving skills and can figure out puzzles and his nesting cups and boxes now with ease.  This is one area where you can see the 6 months difference between him and his sister.  Jackson is also learning how to do somersaults (he calls them flips) and he finds it hilarious when daddy and I do them to show him how.  

Jackson is our social butterfly.  He loves everyone (except nurses and doctors, lol!).  He does take a few minutes to warm up to new places, but once he is settled, he is confident, secure and independent.  It is amazing to watch him become a big boy right before my eyes.  Jackson makes everyone he is around feel special and loved.  Whenever family or friends spend time with him, they have to tell me afterwards how Jackson hugged them, kissed them, reached for them and loved them.  He has such a gift, and I am so excited to see where he takes this gift in his future.  

This picture really sums up his personality to me:).

I love this one - he is playing with me in the midst of pictures - it really shows our relationship.

Jackson loves his family.  When he wakes up, he asks for each of us and wants to know where everyone is (including Rory, our dog).  He gives the best kisses and hugs, you can tell he really means it.  Jackson LOVES to dance, and we have found his favorite - Michael Jackson, lol!  He tries to mimic every move and his GG even taught him to moonwalk.  It is a riot!

He is making me laugh as usual:).

Jackson is kind, generous, goofy, charismatic and perfect in every way.  I enjoy every moment of being his mommy.  I look at him and wonder at how things work out just as they should.  He is my proof that miracles happen and that life is good.  

This is one of my favorites - me and my angels.

Our Trip

Our trip to visit family in MI was wonderful.  We got back about 3 weeks ago and we are still adjusting.  Jackson has not gone back to his previous beautiful sleeping habits and it has affected all of us.  We are all tired and grumpy for the most part.  Other than that, we have wonderful memories of our two weeks back home!  The beach was my favorite part....

What a beauty!

He loved the hole daddy dug for him!

Walking the pier as a family of four - amazing!

We have a picture of Jackson and me on this pier when he was just a newborn so this was a special photo op for me:).

I don't know why I love it so much, but this picture is just too cute.

I know I look silly - but this is me and Addy watching the Coast Guard parade - I marched in this parade for more years than I can count so it was such a sweet moment to watch it with my children.

 

Jackson and I waving at the helicopter at the parade:).  He waved at everyone and everything - it was a riot!

Another day at the beach - so sweet!

Addy meeting her great-grandma K.  This is Jason's all time favorite grandma and we are so glad she finally got to meet Addison (she met Jax when he was a newborn).

Jax had a huge birthday party too!

He was so excited about his presents:).

This is Jason's family (one side of his family anyway) - I love this picture!

Addy fell in love with her "Papa Jim," who is really her great-uncle.  

We have so many special memories from our time in MI.  I have over 500 pictures to prove it:).  I will say, the time there made us all the more determined to move back to MI as soon as an opportunity arises.  We always felt it was hard to be away from family - but going back and realizing how much we are truly missing, how much our kids are missing, was hard.  Overall, the travel went ok (we did have some pretty rough "traveling with grumpy toddlers" moments,  one special one with Addy that was straight out of my travel themed nightmares, lol), and they slept well away from home for the most part and had a wonderful time.  Jackson did return with an ear infection, though...just in time for his second birthday:(.  More to come on my big 2 year old boy (I am already 2 weeks late on that post:)).  

Hodge Podge

Yes, yes, I am here.  The fact that I have neglected my blog is indicative of how I have been feeling lately.  I can't quite meet everyone's needs on any given day.  I am always behind.  I am always failing. Ok, that sounds really depressing.  I have my moments of feeling this morose, but it's not always that bad!  The overall theme though is I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and perpetually feeling like I am behind in every area of life.

Part of what has made the last month so difficult is my job.  I don't talk about it much here, but I am a Clinical Supervisor of a mental health program serving children ages birth to five.  Most often, these are children in foster care...who have experienced abuse and neglect that most of us only read about or see in the movies.  The stakes are high in my line of work.  I oversee the entire program and I feel the pressure in that.  With changes in funding, staff, etc, things have not been going very well.  So I work more hours than I'd like, and I often feel like it isn't enough when I am there.  They always need more of me.  And I always feel like I just can't give enough to make it work.  I take on every mistake or failure (in billing, in services to families, in staff satisfaction) as a personal problem.  I feel responsible for it all.  I also provide clinical consultation to other professionals outside of my agency - I provide specialized supervision to them.  I try to do that during nap times, etc - but that means that the 2 hours a day I have when they are napping (hopefully) is taken up with...more work.

Then when I am with my family, I feel guilty.  The kids clearly missed me.  They struggle when I am gone a lot.  Addy has started asking to nurse upwards of six times a day!  She falls apart emotionally until I give in.  I often cannot distract her, she just won't budge.  Is this an indication that she is under stress?  If it is, then you know that is my fault.   I want to be there for my kids ALL the time, but I also know that my professional life is important, for many reasons - my identity, it helps us live a comfortable life, future financial security, and I also think that what I do adds to the greater good for the small, fragile, broken and traumatized children and families we serve.  I am always balancing the many needs of others.  I won't even talk about my poor husband.  We rarely see each other - our shifts don't match up, so he leaves for work when I am still at work on the days I work.  When we are home together, the time is spent taking care of kids and the house.  I will say, though, that we have gone out on two small dates recently.  We are trying hard to not lose sight of who we are as a couple, but it's tough.

So, anyway, that is why getting on my blog and writing some thoughtful monologue has not been a priority.  I always try to wait to write until I have an organized, coherent and moving subject.  Well, I can't even think clearly lately so that hasn't happened, lol!  The kids have officially moved to one nap a day, and they don't go to bed until 8pm.  During naps, I frantically clean, run errands (if Jason or a sitter is here), make appointments, etc.   Or I have work meetings.  Once I get them in bed, I catch up on facebook (oh, now that is a love/hate relationship, lol!) and then just collapse.  I have come to the point where my entire body aches all day, but by bedtime, a heating pad is necessary.

Please don't hear me as complaining.   Life is actually mostly good.  Here is a hodge podge of the good (in no particular order:):

• I am in the middle of re-decorating my bedroom in the beautiful colors of purple and grey.  So far, it is gorgeous.  It is like my dream room (minus some pieces like painting and fixtures that we aren't changing because we are renting).  Maybe I'll get around to posting pictures when it is complete:).
• We leave for a trip to Michigan to see family for TWO weeks in just 8 days.  The change of pace and routine will be so therapeutic for all of us...I hope.
• I have started narrowing in on what I like as far as fashion, to include cute necklaces.  This may not seem huge, but I know that many of you will understand that little things like this can help you make it through a day!
• Jackson seriously is my light.  He thinks pretty much anything and everything is funny and he loves to laugh.  He has become very easy going, for the most part.  He loves people, he loves to play and, mostly, he loves his mommy:).   He is becoming a sweet 2 year old.  
• Addison has become the most adorable toddler girl ever - she has a sweet, angelic face and makes the most adorable "shy" and "mischievous" expressions.  And she has such beautiful blonde hair - we now can do pigtails and I can't believe how grown up she looks!
• I earned the highest level of Infant Mental Health Endorsement, which is a credential for specialists in my field - I am now an Infant Mental Health Mentor and I am 1 of only 6 in my state.  My hard work has paid off in so many ways.  
• Jason and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary on July 6.  Now THAT is an accomplishment, lol!  We are still going strong.  The comfort, security and support I find in my marriage is a true gift.

Heading out for a dinner date on our anniversary - we left after the kids went to bed and I ended up being too tired to make it to the movie we had planned for after dinner:).

Fourth of July - see the sweetness?

Have you missed them?

I realized that I haven't posted pictures or updates on my sweet babies recently.  And they have grown so much!  So many people see the updates and pictures on facebook and my family shutterfly site, but I guess it is time I shared the love here as well!  

Jackson continues to be a happy, sweet little boy.  I can almost see in him the man he will someday be.  He will charm most people with his enchanting energy.  He will love life.  He will also be very sensitive - and my guess is he will have to learn coping strategies to protect his heart.  Jackson is talking so much more now and everything he says is incredibly adorable.  He now says "bee-ah" for "clean up," since we sing the clean up song during many transitions.  He loves to laugh and takes every opportunity to laugh at others or to make people laugh.  His laugh is contagious and beautiful.  Jackson needs kisses from all his family members before naps and bedtimes - he just won't accept a no, even from Addy.   Addy asks him for kisses during the day and he is so cute - he will angle his head just right and grab the back of her head with his hand and lay one on her, lol!  Wow, he is a talented kisser! Jackson continues to steal all the attention wherever we go - people always have to stop and tell us what a beautiful child he is and what a gorgeous smile he has.  Yep, we know:).  He is the love of my life.  I love him so much it hurts.

Addison continues to be my sweet little princess.  She is just (like in the last couple of days) starting to push boundaries and give us looks like, "what are you gonna do about it?"  I have a hard time not  laughing because she doesn't pull off "mischievous" very well.  Addy has really come to love kisses as well.  She is constantly coming up to all of us and kissing us and then vigorously signing and saying "more" so we will stay still so she can kiss us again.  She gets very serious about these kissing games, scrunching up her face in concentration:).  She got very angry with Auntie Cheryl's dogs this week because they just wouldn't lay still for her to kiss over and and over again!   Addy is my persistent problem solver and recently figured out how to climb out of her crib.  We were in the back of the house thinking she was napping and Jason came out to the kitchen to find Addison wandering around very confused because she couldn't find mommy or daddy!  So, we flipped her crib so the tall back that goes against the wall is now facing the rest of the room - and we are hoping she won't figure out that the sides are still short enough to climb:).  Addison is my laid back baby - I am amazed at how she approaches novel or anxiety-producing situations, like doctors visits, with grace and confidence.  I see myself in her in so many ways, but in this way, she is her own little person.  I will always be amazed at how blessed I am to have her.  She is a little piece of me walking around and I just can't get over what a miracle she is.

Here are some pictures of the cuteness:

My all time favorite picture of them:).

Addy and her otter and sippy - both necessary for bedtime.

Doesn't he look so old here?

Wow, I love this boy so, so much.  That smile will always capture my heart.

Mommy and her princess.

Can't you almost hear the giggles in this picture??

He is SUCH a ham - and SO handsome!

I think it is fitting that I am posting this now.  June 10 was the 2 year anniversary of the pregnancy test that changed our lives forever.   How we got that pink line, and how that little bean stuck, will always be a mystery to me.  She was just meant to be ours.  June 24 will be the 2 year anniversary of the phone call that rocked our world in the best way possible.  How his first parents found us, and how it all fell together so perfectly, will never cease to amaze me.  He was just meant to be ours.

It Hurts

Yes, I am still here.  As I've said before, I'm still figuring out exactly what to post here, and what to save for the family blog I have.  It's too hard to keep both places updated on everything all the time!  So, I have been updating the other blog with all the fun and exciting things Jackson and Addison are doing.  I certainly COULD update here, if there is interest - but, alas, my comments have decreased significantly and I'm not so sure anyone really cares:)!

That said, what I DO want to post about is my incredible disappointment that Jackson's birthparents (T and A) have all but disappeared.  I am feeling so, so sad.  Not for me, but for my sweet boy.  T and A are no longer together, in fact A has separated himself so that T can't even find him.  And it seems he is doing the same to us, although I am unclear why.  The last time we saw him, in January, we met up at the Children's Museum and had a blast.  He texted after we left to say what a great time he had.  And that was the last we heard from him.  It was a couple of weeks before A was released from prison.  I am pretty sure we (or, more accurately, Jackson) are the only connection he has to T and maybe he just doesn't want that.  But what about Jackson?  What about what he needs?  With T, I am pretty sure it is more about her getting her life back together and being busy....and trying to move on from that part of her life.  She does still pop up here and there, commenting on a picture on facebook or sending a Mother's Day card, although I can't get her to commit to a time to visit (she lives about 3 hours away).

My sadness is not from my own selfish need to be close to them, although that IS there.  I consider them family, and being close to them means I can show them how much I appreciate all they have done for Jackson and for our family through how happy Jackson is.  Yes, selfish...but honest.  But I could get past that.  My heart is full in so many ways.  But, what about Jackson?  I honestly don't believe his life could be complete without them in it.  I'm not an adoptee, so I can't be sure.  All I can do is try to put myself in my son's shoes.  And when I do that, I can't get past the fact that T and A are his first parents.  He has T's eyes and A's smile.  He is a fiercely independent child, which I suspect he gets from both of them.  I imagine he has many, many other traits that could be traced back to them - but without them here to teach us, how will we know?  And how will HE know?

I feel them slipping away, and I don't know what to do.  Our social worker said all we can do is remind them that they are important to Jackson and keep the door open.  That's all I can do?  This is my son's heart I am trying to protect here!  I think I am coming to one of the hard parts of adoption that I never thought about - my sweet boy's well-being does not JUST lie in our hands.  We need his birthparents to be on board to.  He needs them.  There are things we just can never do for him, stories we can't tell, questions we can't answer.  I was ok with that...until I realized that all this means that I can't be his world.  I mean, I knew that logically.  But now I feel it.  Now I am experiencing it.  A young child's world is his parents.  I believe that an adopted child's world includes all of his parents, in one way or another.  At an early age, his world may fail him.  And there is, quite literally, nothing I can do to protect him from that.

I will admit, I went into adoption starry-eyed.  We would have a beautiful relationship with birthparents simply because we wanted it and what birthparents wouldn't want to know us, too?  We would have a child who was happy and secure in all of these complicated relationships.  I've read lots of books on adoption, so why couldn't this be the case?  What was I thinking?!  If I had to guess, I would say this is the first of many obstacles we are going to face as adoptive parents.  This is just the beginning.  It hurts.  It hurts because I can see the potential hurt for my sweet Jackson.  And I don't want him to hurt - ever.

There is a lesson here...in trust.  I need to trust T and A, and their love for Jackson.  When he needs them, I need to trust that they will be there.  I need to trust in myself and in Jason - that we can be strong and be what Jackson needs when his heart does hurt.  I need to trust Jackson.  He is his own person, with many strengths and unique vulnerabilities.  I need to trust our relationship with him.  If love is enough, then we are ok.  There is an insane amount of love in this house.  We can do this.  We can do this.

Momma!

We have hit a new milestone in my house that I have waited years for!  My little boy now calls me momma!  He started about a month ago - when his uncle picked him up and he wanted me, he reached for me and said "momma!"  My heart melted.  But he still didn't do it consistently and so I started wondering if it had been a fluke.  And then, just this week, he now calls for me often.  When I was going to go to the store without him last night, he reached for me, tears in his eyes and cried out, "momma! momma!"  You better bet he went to the store WITH his momma!  How could I say no?

Becoming a mom has been the greatest joy I could ever imagine.  As Jackson has grown, he has shown so many emotions.  Sometimes he loves me, other times he is so very angry with me.  He is a wildly independent child, and so snuggles are hard to come by.  I crave closeness with my little man.  So, when he reaches for me and calls me "momma," my heart just swells.  I am so, so blessed.  Having this precious boy call me "momma" is such an honor.  I love him all the way to the moon....and back.

Seriously, could he be any cuter?

I can't leave out my sweet angel baby girl - gorgeous, isn't she?