Livin' The Dream

Wow, it has been SO long since I have gotten on here to write.  My life is full.  Very very full.  It is full of things I once dreamed of, like visiting preschools (Jax will be 3 in August!), going to play dates, scheduling doctor's appointments, talking to other mommies and researching about discipline and potty training, figuring out how to get my kids to eat healthy food...you know, the usual.  There are so many decisions to be made when you have children, so many things to consider.  Am I yelling too much?  Will he be ok with that teacher or this one?  How many days should he be in preschool?  Should we go to that play date, I don't know if we should because that one boy is a monster to them and it drives me crazy?!  Should I buy organic strawberries or can I go non-organic this one time because they are on sale for $.99 a quart?  Are they ready to potty train or will it be a disaster?  Can we handle a trip back to visit family or will it be a double disaster?  When should I finally wean Addy?  Can I handle the tantrums?  Am I doing enough crafts with them?  Are we always too busy and am I making my  kids suffer because of it?  Phew!  I could do this for paragraphs and paragraphs, but you get the idea.  So when I sit down to write, my head is swarmed and I just give up!

Let me just tell you that I have two beautiful, perfect, healthy children and for that I am so grateful.  My days feel exhausting and draining, but in the end, I am beyond blessed.  Jackson is joyful, energetic and pretty laid back. He is also very sensitive and while he doesn't get his feelings hurt often, when he does, it is epic and breaks my heart.  I see my nurturing spirit in him now.  When Addy gets really upset, he tries desperately to calm her either by reminding her of the rule she got in trouble for or trying to give her a big hug.  My heart just soars seeing his kindness - I know that must mean that, in the midst of me struggling through parenthood, I am doing some things right.   Poor Jax has had strep this week, and seeing his sad cry is just too much!  I also finally made his "My Story" Shutterfly photo book and could not be happier to finally have the basics of his adoption story written down and documented for him to read over and over again. I've been creating that book in my head for almost 3 years!  Jackson got to see T (his birth mom) in January and it was a beautiful time for all of us.  I keep in touch with her and we are building a unique and incredible relationship.  She told me recently that she and A made Jackson for me, Jason and Addy.  She also told me that she does not regret her decision to place him with us even one little bit.  I can't explain to you, unless you are an adoptive parent, what that means to me.  I dreamed of hearing my child's birth parents say that to me when I was waiting to be a mommy.  And our time has come!  Every time I look at Jackson, I can't get over how beautifully and perfectly we all came together.  He is our sunshine and our family could never be complete without him in it.  Our story was clearly written long before we knew it.  There is no other way to explain how right it all feels.

Addison is my little mini-me. This girl is smart as a whip, a quick-thinker, determined to get her way no matter what, bossy, and rule-oriented.  She remembers a rule after the first time I tell her (and by "remember," I mean she can recite it, not necessarily always follow it:)).  She tells me "No hit Jackson, hitting is naaaaughty!"  Or she will tell me, "Don't go in the street, stay on sidewalk where mommy and daddy can see you."   She just recites rules out of the blue!  Recently she has been "yelling" at her dollies and does the "uh uh" (in a very mommy-is-mad tone just like mine lol).  Then she says, "Don't do that, that is naaaughty, you go to ty-oup (time out)!"   She was kicking me the other day while I tried to change her diaper and I finally swatted her on her diaper-padded butt (yes, I know, not the right thing to do but I get desperate sometimes) and told her "You don't kick mommy!"  She came right back at me, "Uh-uh, Mommy!  You don't hit me!  That is not ok!"  Oh goodness, this girl is something else.  I tried not to, but I had to laugh.  To be fair, she was right.  They teach me so much every single day.

Together, these two are insanely cute.  They now have conversations and play together (often ending in tears, I might add).  The other night Jackson said to Addison, "Addison, stop bugging me!" and Addison said back, "I didn't mean to bug you!"  I cracked up.  They fight a lot too.  We are in the isn't-it-fun-to-hit-just-for-the-sake-of-hitting phase.  Not fun.  One or the other is often screaming after being hit or pinched by the other.  Deep breaths, we will prevail!    They also show a great amount of affection and love to each other, as you can see from the top picture.  Those are the moments that get me through the day.  Addy loves to kiss Jackson goodnight before bed and then she often greets him in the morning with a big, happy "Good morning, Jackson!!"  I love it!

Overall, life is busy but good.  I am learning a lot about letting go - of lists, of expectations, of rules, of my plans in general.  Each day, I have to re-learn this. It's hard to have your life completely consumed by two little beings.  They are adorable, cute, wonderful, smart, funny miracles.  But they are EXHAUSTING.  And I am not a selfish person, but sometimes they do take too much from me, and that is my fault for not setting boundaries for myself.  So I am working on balance.  Between my kids, my job and my volunteer Board work, I need "me time" too.  I haven't figured out how to get it, but I am working on it.  So that is a very short update on how we are - living the dream over here:)!

I Did It, Mommy!

I had the  most amazing experience at the park this week with my baby girl.  I just had to share.  The story begins with a tunnel at the park that slopes upward.  Addy has always wanted to climb up this tunnel but has never been able to do so.  She tried this time too.  She kept sliding back down just short of the top.  She would pout and then tell me "I can't do it.  It's too hard!"  I told her, "Keep trying, baby, I think you can do it!"  I struggled with what to tell her - I wanted to encourage her, to show her I believed in her...but I also didn't want to tell her she could do something that she wasn't ready for.  I wanted it to be ok for her if she couldn't make it to the top this time.  I told her that she would be able to someday, when she was bigger.  But she kept going back.  She would pull herself up with her arms, dig her feet in, and huff and puff....

I stood there at the bottom of the tunnel, just cheering her on, telling her she could do it and to keep trying.  And then....SHE DID IT!!!

She looked down at me and said " I did it Mommy!!"  Of course you did, baby girl!  You worked so hard! I knew you could do it!  I could have cried with joy for her.  I felt silly.  I mean...really, she just climbed a tube.  She struggled to do it a second time, over and over and over again.  She kept going back and kept falling down.  She was SO frustrated.  She told me again she couldn't do it and it was too hard.  But this time I KNEW she could.  So I told her so.  She must have tried more than a dozen times before she got back up there.  And when she did, she said, "I did it, Mommy!  I told you!"  I assume this is because I tell her all the time after she gets frustrated and tries again, " I told you that you could do it."  It was hilarious to hear her repeat my words.  

Watching this sweet girl of mine go back to that sloped tunnel repeatedly, even after falling down over and over again, made me so proud.  My heart literally swelled.  She gets frustrated easily (like her mom) but she will NEVER give up until she gets what she wants (like her  mom).  To see my own traits reflected in her was indescribable.  I do so many things wrong, I mess up every hour of every day with my two kids.  But I didn't mess THIS up.  She kept trying, and she got to the top!  And she knew her mom was there to cheer her on, to empathize with her frustration and sadness, to hug her when she slid down and felt like giving up, and to celebrate with her when she finally made it.  She will always know that, no matter what.  There is nothing this girl can't do.  Nothing.  

Addy got to slide down that tube, her pay off for all her hard work....

As she gets older, the slopes will be steeper, the falls more painful, and the accomplishments more grand.  I want to remember our teamwork on this particular task.   We will need the same simple ingredients each time.  Her tenacity, and my belief that she can do ANYthing she puts her mind to.  I hope as the obstacles get more complicated, I don't get lost in the chaos.  I will always have these pictures and this story to remind me of what she needs from me.  I can't wait to see what this life holds for her -  for both of my babies.   What an honor it is to stand beside the tunnel and to cheer on this precious little life.  So many have stood beside me and encouraged me to be the best I can be....and now I get to pass that on.  This is one of the best gifts motherhood has given me so far and I could not be more grateful.

Addy's 2 Year Photo Shoot

These pictures turned out amazingly well (and these are less than half of them!).  I am so blessed.

My Baby Girl is TWO!

Yes, it is true.  I no longer have babies, just toddlers...very independent, very outspoken, VERY adorable toddlers!  On February 15, Addison turned two and I would be lying if I told you I didn't shed a tear or two.  You all know why, no need to go on and on about it.  

Striking a pose...but refusing to smile:).

After finding this adorable dress on clearance last November, I decided to do a polka dot party.  Simple and cute.  While all my polka dot party decorations were not perfectly coordinated, I'd say it all turned out just fine.  Big parties are still not my thing....but I do it every time!

The polka dot girls on the day of her party.

No post would be complete without this sweet face.  Can you believe how big he looks here?

Make a wish, sweet girl!

Addison has become such a smart, engaging and funny little girl.  She was incredibly serious as a newborn, it took her 3 months to really smile much at all (as opposed to Jackson who was literally laughing at 1 month old!).  I have become so reminiscent since her birthday.  It's like we made it through an obstacle course - 2 infants non stop for 2 years.  I look back and have balanced feelings - aching to hold them in my arms as newborns again and relief that I don't have newborns again!  Here we are...at another obstacle course.  Parenting two toddlers is challenging all of my confidence and beliefs that I am a good parent. I've got a lot of work to do.  That is for another post.  Addison now goes to sleep so well, and sleeps through the night no matter what.  She even has a terrible cough right now and has coughing fits...but when I go in there, she's half asleep and I have to wake her up to give her medicine and she just lays back down sleepily and goes back to sleep.  LOVE her!  She eats so well now too.  She's still a little picky (won't touch any veggies lol) but I never worry that she isn't getting enough to eat.  Her favorite by far is mac n cheese ("ma chee cheese").  Addison talks like she is 16, I swear.  She sometimes has 5 and 6 work sentences!  Last night she told me, "Mommy go nuh-night in the rocking chair."   This was after she said, "Aww, mommy tired?" and rubbed my cheek.  Seriously, people, it doesn't get any better than empathy from your two-year-old.  Addison has a mind of her own and is most often heard saying "My do it!"   She has also learned the art of negotiation.  When it is time to eat or to do something, she will say "play couple minutes, mommy."  When I am nursing her at night (yes we still do that, for better or for worse!), and I ask her if she's ready to go to bed, she will say "Soon nuh-night" or "Nurse one minute."  Addison engages in pretend play quite regularly.  She feeds babies and animals (and talks to them), cooks food, talks on the phone, etc.  When I ask her how much I love her, she says, "so, so, so much" or "All the way to the moon and back."  Yep, she's right.   I am just amazed by her daily.  Seriously amazed.  Blown away really.  I can't believe she is MINE!  I can't believe either of them are.  So, on to the next phase - raising two two-year-olds without losing your mind!  Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl.  My love for you is unending. There are no words to even describe the depth of my feeling for you.

No party is complete without a family picture that inevitably is missing one of the kids looking at the camera!

The Visit

So many people have asked how the visit with Jackson's birthmom, T, went.  It has become a pretty normal part of our lives, these relationships, so I forget that other people find it all very fascinating.  The visit went, in a word, beautifully.  Jackson took to T immediately after not seeing her for a year.  T clearly was working hard to contain her emotions, and I so wish she didn't feel the need to do so in our presence.  I hope we can build our relationship to a point where we have complete openness and honestly.  Like all relationships, ours is a work in progress.

Jackson enjoyed showing T all around the aquarium and mall....and then feeding her french fries at lunch.  It could be in my head, but he seemed to grasp how special she was.  He kissed her on the cheek and "hammed it up" for her.  She pointed out different characteristics of his that she loved...and how he had her skin and her eyes.  Yes, he sure does.  I wish I could post pictures here - I have the most amazing photos of them (and all of us) together.  But I have not gained her permission, and I'd like to keep my blog as my own place for now (and not share it with Jackson's birth family...yet).

My friend today asked me how I felt about it all...she seemed to not know how she felt about it when I showed her the pictures.  While I see the pictures and my heart just swells with love, others see them and seem conflicted.  It's like they are holding back...not sure if they are supposed to love the image of my son kissing T's face.  I try to model pure love and acceptance, but there must be something in this society that says a photo of a little boy sitting in between his mom and birthmom carries some...what?  Sadness?  Pain?  Competition?  Jealousy?  I'm not sure.  Because none of that is true for us.

I suppose I have grown into this place, if I am being honest.  I shared with my friend that the visits in the first few months of Jackson's life were harder.  Our relationship was not yet fully established...I loved him with everything I had, but I didn't yet have the feedback from him that he knew I was his mom, his forever mom.  Infants don't always give that right away.  And he had been in her womb longer than he'd been with me.  I was a shaky mom, unsure of who I was in this role.  So, yes, seeing their bond and hearing others call her Jackson's mom unveiled my vulnerabilities.  But this time, it was different.  Jackson and I have been through so much - the fussy infant stage in which I walked and rocked him for countless hours, and my voice was often all he wanted, the new toddler stage in which he looked to me before he made any move to make sure he was safe and cried whenever I had to leave him, and the two-year-old stage in which we butt heads daily and still snuggle each night before bed, reliving our days together in words and stories and grand gestures (from him usually:)).  Our relationship is solid.  Jackson having another mom does not take away from my role as his mom, it only adds to his sense of being loved and cherished.  And it is his reality, pure and simple.  If I denied it, did not allow him to see her, did not talk about her or talk about his 10 months in her womb....well, his reality would still be the same.  I would just create conflict, fear and uncertainty in his little heart.  No thank you.  She is his birth mom, I am his adoptive mom.  Our roles in his life differ, but both roles are crucial in forming the man he will someday become.

So, there you have it, that is how things went on our beautiful visit with T!  And she loved her necklace:).  Jackson's birthdad, A, has still not re-initiated contact.  He tells his parents (who tell us) that he's just not ready yet.  That's ok.  We'll be here when he is.  Thanks for your questions and interest....your thoughts and wonderings help me to organize mine:).

A Gift

We were never able to give Jackson's birth mom a gift after she placed him with us. Her circumstances made that impossible. So when we FINALLY got to see her this past weekend under different circumstances, I was so excited to bring something tangible to give her. But what do you give the person who birthed your son (her son) and then placed him in your arms? I mean, there really is no gift that says what needs to be said. I have recently acquired the rights to the digital photos that she had taken in the hospital of her and a very sweet newborn Jackson, so I wanted to do something with those photos. Nothing seemed right. Photo gifts consist of mugs, mouse pads, blankets, etc lol! Nothing quite fit. Shutterly did have a necklace, but it was $50 and that is above our financial threshold for gifts right now if you know what I mean! So, I searched. And I found this:

 

It was beautiful, affordable, creative and...well, perfect.  It was small: she could wear it, display it, or tuck it away for the days she may need reminding of  how much she is loved.  When I ordered it, I told the artist who created it what I needed it for, and that I did not have a lot of time (it was a last minute visit that just worked out).  She was so sweet and understanding and she made sure I had the gift in time - including adding priority shipping at no extra cost to me.  It was a wonderful experience, buying this special gift from her.  So, if you are looking for a very touching and special gift on a tight budget, I would HIGHLY suggest this etsy seller!  Her website is:  www.frillychili.etsy.com.    She makes so many cool things other than this as well!  Happy shopping:)!

The Memories Come Flooding Back

I have been having some irregular bleeding for the last two months (shocker, I know, coming from someone who went through years of infertility), so my OB/Gyn sent me for an ultrasound. She sent me to the same place that confirmed my first miscarriage, back in 2008. I have walked by that office in the past couple of years going to another office a few times, and each time my stomach flipped. So I knew I would have a reaction, I just wasn't sure what to expect. The circumstances were so similar - fill my bladder so that it feels like it will burst any second, do a trans-abdominal and then a trans-vaginal ultrasound. I was lying there on the table while I heard the "click clicking" of the ultrasound machine and felt the familiar pressure on my belly, and the tears started coming. Luckily the ultrasound tech was very professional, kept his eyes on the screen, and didn't pay attention to me. How could I have explained those tears to him? There was something about lying on that table, seeing the screen and hearing the clicking, feeling the probe, smelling the office, etc that brought me back to not just that fateful day in April of 2008, but to all of the terrifying ultrasounds I endured in those years before Jackson entered my world and lit it up with joy. I kept taking deep breaths, talking to myself in my head, reminding myself that my two sweet babies were waiting for me back home....but the pain just swept over me. The grief, loss, and trauma of those miscarriages has, for the most part, faded into the background of my life. While none of it could ever be forgotten, I can go most days without thinking deeply about it all. Every day, when I see the faces of my children, I think about what we endured for them, and I celebrate. But that's usually as far as it goes. I don't usually cry, I don't feel the need to dwell on the past, and I choose to relish in my blessings. But, today, lying on that table, it was as if I was right back in the middle of those "dark days." Every emotion I was experiencing made no sense - it was almost like I couldn't even believe my two children were back at home taking their naps. No amount of self-talk was adding any logic to this wholly visceral experience for me. It was quite astounding, to tell you the truth. The pain of the past seemed to just overwhelm me. I suppose that the timing has something to do with it, as we just passed the holidays. Every Christmas, I think about (and we often mention it at least once in our home) our Christmas-that-was-not-to-be. In 2009, I found out that our second baby had passed just 6 days before Christmas. And 4 days before Christmas, I underwent surgery to remove her from my body. So, every Christmas, that pain is just slightly closer to the surface for me. Again, I don't dwell, and I mostly use it to remember her, remember where we came from, and remember to enjoy every second of where we are. But it is there, as well it should be. Those babies were MY babies. They deserve to be remembered as such. Everything I experienced is textbook for a trauma-related reaction. Those of us who have suffered through infertility and/or loss KNOW that it is a traumatic experience, or series of experiences. Today was just a reminder. And the memories came flooding back. I'm glad they did, though. I need to remember where I have been, to truly appreciate where I am. And where I am is completely and totally my dream come true.