With Hope, The Odds Don't Matter!

After my last post, a reader reached out to me and asked me to share her story in honor of Mesothelioma Awareness Day on September 26.  Heather was diagnosed with mesothelioma 7 years ago when her daughter was 3 1/2 months old.  She was told by doctors that she would have 15 months to live.   She fought, she lived, she beat it and now she is spreading hope.  I am amazed by her story and I thought you might be too.  As I write this, I am struck by the title of MY blog, "Nurture Your Hopes."  I clung to stories of hope in my dark years of infertility and loss.  The quote under my header really held me up when things seemed so hopeless.  I was told that my husband and I had a 7% chance of conceiving a child on our own and carrying her to term.  We have Addy now (conceived with absolutely no medical support), who is 2 1/2 years old and full of LIFE!  Please visit Heather's website,  read her story and maybe spread some hope on your blog, facebook page, or whatever social networking site you find most appropriate:).  Her site is:   www.mesothelioma.com/heather/awareness/


"Deep inside us, we have a spirit of energy and determination, a spirit that refuses to be broken - and we call this hope.  Even when life's challenges overwhelm us our hope inspires us to rise to new heights."

Our Baby Boy Turned 3!

Gosh, it has been SO long since I've written.  I want to, I love to write...but to find the time and energy seems impossible.  I have never been so overwhelmed and "under water" than I have been lately.  But...enough about that!  Our baby boy is 3!  I still remember the posts I wrote (and the wonderful comments from you all) when Jackson was born....and when the papers were signed....and when I got to meet him for the first time.  In some ways it seems like it happened just last week, in other ways it seems as though I have lived a lifetime.

This boy brings out the best of me, and the worst of me!  He is 3, and he knows exactly how to push my buttons!  But look at that smile - what  a sweet boy he is!  Everyone adores him and he makes friends wherever he goes!

Jackson started preschool 2 weeks ago.  It is still surreal to me.  He goes 2 mornings a week, and there have been some tears (his and mine), but I suppose this is all part of growing up and moving forward...for both of us.  He and I are struggling with new roles - sometimes he wants to be a baby still while I just want him to leave me alone and be independent, and then sometimes he just wants to assert his individuality while I just want him to be my baby again.  This parenting thing is tough.   And I'm not sure I'm doing a good job most days.  We both keep trying, though.  And we love each other more than anything in this world, that is one thing I DO know for sure.  Since going to preschool, Jackson has become so much more affectionate.  He runs to me and holds me tight when I show up to pick him up.  He randomly kisses me and tells me he loves me.  He has begun to want to snuggle on the couch more.  He is still my baby.  He always will be.

Little Miss Addison knows that she can go to preschool when she is 3.  Sometimes she wants to stay with him, most times she likes that she gets to go with mommy.  She is doing really well with the separation and I am always amazed by her courage, strength and tenacity.  She also presents some challenges - pushing to be a "big girl" and independent, then falling apart crying and whining for long periods of time.  It is exhausting to try and keep up with her!

These 2 love each other so much.  They know they are "sister and brother" and they always want to know where the other one is.  They are as bonded as any sibling pair I have ever met.  I love to watch them when they are playing (calmly!) and talking to each other.  They say the cutest things when it's just the 2 of them:).

Jackson truly is my sunshine.  I feel so blessed to have him as my son.  I am still in touch with his birth mom and it just feels good to know that I have her "blessing" to be Jackson's mom.  She has stepped back and supports me in my role.  She loves us, but she has her own path now.  When I package up some of Jackson's art projects to send her, I am in awe that I am the one who gets to see ALL of his art projects - every single scribble, paint stroke and hand print.  He is the greatest gift.

I'm going to be really really honest (because I don't write enough so I don't know if I'll get the chance to write again), this is HARD.  Having 2 this close in age is pushing us to every single limit we have in this family.  I continue to not be the mom I hoped I would be.  I keep trying, I keep growing, and I keep loving.  I adore my family, I really do.  If you are still around, reading, I want to say thank you.  This blog is so outdated...but for good reasons!  I started out writing because I needed to put all my unused "mothering" energy towards something.  Now all that energy and ten times more is being expended in just one hour of my long days!  There is no energy left over for writing unfortunately.  There will be again someday, I just know it.  Until then, I will check in when I can.  I have so appreciated your support and love throughout these past 4 years since I started this blog.  Thank you!

After

As another June passes, my heart becomes lighter.  Every June, usually sometime mid-month, the power of the month hits me.  It was June 10 that I got the positive pregnancy test that would forever change my view on hope and miracles...and grief. 

Two weeks later, on June 24, our social worker called us and left me a message saying, "I have a situation I'd like to talk with you both about." I also had a message on that same day from the nurse telling me my HCG number (after it had not doubled the 2 tests before) and saying, "These are great numbers.  Congratulations!"  I was at a meeting for work and my boss (and now very close friend) and I drove back from the meeting as I tried to make sense of all of this.  I was so sure I would lose at least one of these babies, probably both.  So, I did what any expectant mom would do...I set up a nursery and I hoped and I prayed and I did something I had become very very practiced at doing:  I waited...

You know the rest of the story.  It wasn't an easy couple of months...the hardest of my life actually.  I was perpetually sick with anxiety and worry.  I had migraines daily.  I should probably have been blissfully happy in my first trimester, preparing for my first baby to come home...but mostly I was just terrified.   Terrified to lose them.

Three years later and I'm still terrified to lose them.  I am up nights worried about them.  If they are coughing, I get sick to my stomach and can never go to sleep until I know they are peacefully asleep and well.  I can't watch  movies or shows where people's children are in danger.  I don't go to parks, play dates or outings and chat with the other moms.  I stay with my kids, stand behind them as they climb, watch them as they play and do anything and everything I can to make sure they stay safe.  My babies.

Jackson is sitting next to me as  I write. He pointed to the picture above and said, "That's my mommy!"  Wow - I was writing on this same blog 3 years ago, but the story was very different.  I dreamed of a moment like that.  He also looked over at me 5 minutes ago and said, "Mommy?" and I said, "yes?" and he said, "I love you" and then kissed my arm.  I am now the mom of this sweet, beautiful, kind, incredibly charming and funny almost-three-year-old who is not afraid to show his love and affection.  He is almost potty trained and ready to go to preschool in September.  When I take him places, he now lets me out of sight and loves to play with other kids.  When I watch him from afar, I see his body posture and he looks just like a little man.   He loves to annoy the crap out of his sister (and all of us) just to see the reaction.  He also adores tractors and trucks, especially garbage trucks.  One of his favorite activities now is art, mostly paint.  He has a creative streak that astonishes me.  I get to be his mom. 

If that wasn't enough...I am the mom of a tenacious, hard-headed, passionate, determined and insanely intelligent 2 year old baby girl who reminds me so much of myself in some ways that it is actually creepy.  She is not quite potty trained, but trying hard.  She talks like a 16 year old, I swear.  She picks up on concepts and words after hearing them once.  She loves her mommy and still has to be attached to me wherever we go.  Nursing is still her favorite activity.  She is the most active little girl I have seen in a long time, and bounces, runs, or jumps everywhere she goes...which results in lots of bumps and bruises.  She has many ideas about what clothes she should wear, what cup she wants to use and how she wants to do just about everything.  I can only hope that in my frustration and impatience, I don't squelch her beautiful self-concept or her desire to speak her mind, no matter the consequence. 

I will be honest.  The days are long, and I am not the mom I always dreamed I would be.  But they ARE the children I always dreamed they would be.  They are more.  They are everything.  Three years seems like such a short period of time - but it is literally a lifetime.  There will always be "before June 2010" and "after" in my world.  I love the "after." 

Livin' The Dream

Wow, it has been SO long since I have gotten on here to write.  My life is full.  Very very full.  It is full of things I once dreamed of, like visiting preschools (Jax will be 3 in August!), going to play dates, scheduling doctor's appointments, talking to other mommies and researching about discipline and potty training, figuring out how to get my kids to eat healthy food...you know, the usual.  There are so many decisions to be made when you have children, so many things to consider.  Am I yelling too much?  Will he be ok with that teacher or this one?  How many days should he be in preschool?  Should we go to that play date, I don't know if we should because that one boy is a monster to them and it drives me crazy?!  Should I buy organic strawberries or can I go non-organic this one time because they are on sale for $.99 a quart?  Are they ready to potty train or will it be a disaster?  Can we handle a trip back to visit family or will it be a double disaster?  When should I finally wean Addy?  Can I handle the tantrums?  Am I doing enough crafts with them?  Are we always too busy and am I making my  kids suffer because of it?  Phew!  I could do this for paragraphs and paragraphs, but you get the idea.  So when I sit down to write, my head is swarmed and I just give up!

Let me just tell you that I have two beautiful, perfect, healthy children and for that I am so grateful.  My days feel exhausting and draining, but in the end, I am beyond blessed.  Jackson is joyful, energetic and pretty laid back. He is also very sensitive and while he doesn't get his feelings hurt often, when he does, it is epic and breaks my heart.  I see my nurturing spirit in him now.  When Addy gets really upset, he tries desperately to calm her either by reminding her of the rule she got in trouble for or trying to give her a big hug.  My heart just soars seeing his kindness - I know that must mean that, in the midst of me struggling through parenthood, I am doing some things right.   Poor Jax has had strep this week, and seeing his sad cry is just too much!  I also finally made his "My Story" Shutterfly photo book and could not be happier to finally have the basics of his adoption story written down and documented for him to read over and over again. I've been creating that book in my head for almost 3 years!  Jackson got to see T (his birth mom) in January and it was a beautiful time for all of us.  I keep in touch with her and we are building a unique and incredible relationship.  She told me recently that she and A made Jackson for me, Jason and Addy.  She also told me that she does not regret her decision to place him with us even one little bit.  I can't explain to you, unless you are an adoptive parent, what that means to me.  I dreamed of hearing my child's birth parents say that to me when I was waiting to be a mommy.  And our time has come!  Every time I look at Jackson, I can't get over how beautifully and perfectly we all came together.  He is our sunshine and our family could never be complete without him in it.  Our story was clearly written long before we knew it.  There is no other way to explain how right it all feels.

Addison is my little mini-me. This girl is smart as a whip, a quick-thinker, determined to get her way no matter what, bossy, and rule-oriented.  She remembers a rule after the first time I tell her (and by "remember," I mean she can recite it, not necessarily always follow it:)).  She tells me "No hit Jackson, hitting is naaaaughty!"  Or she will tell me, "Don't go in the street, stay on sidewalk where mommy and daddy can see you."   She just recites rules out of the blue!  Recently she has been "yelling" at her dollies and does the "uh uh" (in a very mommy-is-mad tone just like mine lol).  Then she says, "Don't do that, that is naaaughty, you go to ty-oup (time out)!"   She was kicking me the other day while I tried to change her diaper and I finally swatted her on her diaper-padded butt (yes, I know, not the right thing to do but I get desperate sometimes) and told her "You don't kick mommy!"  She came right back at me, "Uh-uh, Mommy!  You don't hit me!  That is not ok!"  Oh goodness, this girl is something else.  I tried not to, but I had to laugh.  To be fair, she was right.  They teach me so much every single day.

Together, these two are insanely cute.  They now have conversations and play together (often ending in tears, I might add).  The other night Jackson said to Addison, "Addison, stop bugging me!" and Addison said back, "I didn't mean to bug you!"  I cracked up.  They fight a lot too.  We are in the isn't-it-fun-to-hit-just-for-the-sake-of-hitting phase.  Not fun.  One or the other is often screaming after being hit or pinched by the other.  Deep breaths, we will prevail!    They also show a great amount of affection and love to each other, as you can see from the top picture.  Those are the moments that get me through the day.  Addy loves to kiss Jackson goodnight before bed and then she often greets him in the morning with a big, happy "Good morning, Jackson!!"  I love it!

Overall, life is busy but good.  I am learning a lot about letting go - of lists, of expectations, of rules, of my plans in general.  Each day, I have to re-learn this. It's hard to have your life completely consumed by two little beings.  They are adorable, cute, wonderful, smart, funny miracles.  But they are EXHAUSTING.  And I am not a selfish person, but sometimes they do take too much from me, and that is my fault for not setting boundaries for myself.  So I am working on balance.  Between my kids, my job and my volunteer Board work, I need "me time" too.  I haven't figured out how to get it, but I am working on it.  So that is a very short update on how we are - living the dream over here:)!

I Did It, Mommy!

I had the  most amazing experience at the park this week with my baby girl.  I just had to share.  The story begins with a tunnel at the park that slopes upward.  Addy has always wanted to climb up this tunnel but has never been able to do so.  She tried this time too.  She kept sliding back down just short of the top.  She would pout and then tell me "I can't do it.  It's too hard!"  I told her, "Keep trying, baby, I think you can do it!"  I struggled with what to tell her - I wanted to encourage her, to show her I believed in her...but I also didn't want to tell her she could do something that she wasn't ready for.  I wanted it to be ok for her if she couldn't make it to the top this time.  I told her that she would be able to someday, when she was bigger.  But she kept going back.  She would pull herself up with her arms, dig her feet in, and huff and puff....

I stood there at the bottom of the tunnel, just cheering her on, telling her she could do it and to keep trying.  And then....SHE DID IT!!!

She looked down at me and said " I did it Mommy!!"  Of course you did, baby girl!  You worked so hard! I knew you could do it!  I could have cried with joy for her.  I felt silly.  I mean...really, she just climbed a tube.  She struggled to do it a second time, over and over and over again.  She kept going back and kept falling down.  She was SO frustrated.  She told me again she couldn't do it and it was too hard.  But this time I KNEW she could.  So I told her so.  She must have tried more than a dozen times before she got back up there.  And when she did, she said, "I did it, Mommy!  I told you!"  I assume this is because I tell her all the time after she gets frustrated and tries again, " I told you that you could do it."  It was hilarious to hear her repeat my words.  

Watching this sweet girl of mine go back to that sloped tunnel repeatedly, even after falling down over and over again, made me so proud.  My heart literally swelled.  She gets frustrated easily (like her mom) but she will NEVER give up until she gets what she wants (like her  mom).  To see my own traits reflected in her was indescribable.  I do so many things wrong, I mess up every hour of every day with my two kids.  But I didn't mess THIS up.  She kept trying, and she got to the top!  And she knew her mom was there to cheer her on, to empathize with her frustration and sadness, to hug her when she slid down and felt like giving up, and to celebrate with her when she finally made it.  She will always know that, no matter what.  There is nothing this girl can't do.  Nothing.  

Addy got to slide down that tube, her pay off for all her hard work....

As she gets older, the slopes will be steeper, the falls more painful, and the accomplishments more grand.  I want to remember our teamwork on this particular task.   We will need the same simple ingredients each time.  Her tenacity, and my belief that she can do ANYthing she puts her mind to.  I hope as the obstacles get more complicated, I don't get lost in the chaos.  I will always have these pictures and this story to remind me of what she needs from me.  I can't wait to see what this life holds for her -  for both of my babies.   What an honor it is to stand beside the tunnel and to cheer on this precious little life.  So many have stood beside me and encouraged me to be the best I can be....and now I get to pass that on.  This is one of the best gifts motherhood has given me so far and I could not be more grateful.

Addy's 2 Year Photo Shoot

These pictures turned out amazingly well (and these are less than half of them!).  I am so blessed.

My Baby Girl is TWO!

Yes, it is true.  I no longer have babies, just toddlers...very independent, very outspoken, VERY adorable toddlers!  On February 15, Addison turned two and I would be lying if I told you I didn't shed a tear or two.  You all know why, no need to go on and on about it.  

Striking a pose...but refusing to smile:).

After finding this adorable dress on clearance last November, I decided to do a polka dot party.  Simple and cute.  While all my polka dot party decorations were not perfectly coordinated, I'd say it all turned out just fine.  Big parties are still not my thing....but I do it every time!

The polka dot girls on the day of her party.

No post would be complete without this sweet face.  Can you believe how big he looks here?

Make a wish, sweet girl!

Addison has become such a smart, engaging and funny little girl.  She was incredibly serious as a newborn, it took her 3 months to really smile much at all (as opposed to Jackson who was literally laughing at 1 month old!).  I have become so reminiscent since her birthday.  It's like we made it through an obstacle course - 2 infants non stop for 2 years.  I look back and have balanced feelings - aching to hold them in my arms as newborns again and relief that I don't have newborns again!  Here we are...at another obstacle course.  Parenting two toddlers is challenging all of my confidence and beliefs that I am a good parent. I've got a lot of work to do.  That is for another post.  Addison now goes to sleep so well, and sleeps through the night no matter what.  She even has a terrible cough right now and has coughing fits...but when I go in there, she's half asleep and I have to wake her up to give her medicine and she just lays back down sleepily and goes back to sleep.  LOVE her!  She eats so well now too.  She's still a little picky (won't touch any veggies lol) but I never worry that she isn't getting enough to eat.  Her favorite by far is mac n cheese ("ma chee cheese").  Addison talks like she is 16, I swear.  She sometimes has 5 and 6 work sentences!  Last night she told me, "Mommy go nuh-night in the rocking chair."   This was after she said, "Aww, mommy tired?" and rubbed my cheek.  Seriously, people, it doesn't get any better than empathy from your two-year-old.  Addison has a mind of her own and is most often heard saying "My do it!"   She has also learned the art of negotiation.  When it is time to eat or to do something, she will say "play couple minutes, mommy."  When I am nursing her at night (yes we still do that, for better or for worse!), and I ask her if she's ready to go to bed, she will say "Soon nuh-night" or "Nurse one minute."  Addison engages in pretend play quite regularly.  She feeds babies and animals (and talks to them), cooks food, talks on the phone, etc.  When I ask her how much I love her, she says, "so, so, so much" or "All the way to the moon and back."  Yep, she's right.   I am just amazed by her daily.  Seriously amazed.  Blown away really.  I can't believe she is MINE!  I can't believe either of them are.  So, on to the next phase - raising two two-year-olds without losing your mind!  Happy Birthday to my sweet baby girl.  My love for you is unending. There are no words to even describe the depth of my feeling for you.

No party is complete without a family picture that inevitably is missing one of the kids looking at the camera!