Another Silent Due Date

It's always hard to think about what could have been. Important days, anniversaries, holidays come around, and my mind goes to how our life could have been different, if our children had lived.

Our second baby was due today. For most people, a due date means they better start preparing! A baby is coming! They can start thinking about how they will leave their jobs, decorate their nurseries, and make room in their lives for their new addition. For us, due dates become just another reminder of what was lost.

Today is no exception. I have always thought our second child was a girl. And, when I got the results from the tissue they took from my D&C, they told me they thought it might all be maternal tissue (instead of the fetal tissue they should have tested). But, they did say it was "normal female" tissue. It's all I have to go on, so I think of her as a girl.

Seven months ago, on December 18, we learned (for the second time) that our baby had died. We had seen her perfectly growing and healthy body on ultrasound three times. We were told our chances of loss were extremely low. Then, at 9.5 weeks, a routine ultrasound found a baby who measured perfectly to the day, but who had no heartbeat. She was there, and then she wasn't. Three days before Christmas, I went into surgery to have her removed from my body.

So much has happened since then, but we won't ever forget her. Most people have moved on. A couple of our friends were due around the same time....they now are at home, cuddling their newborn babies. I know that we grieve alone. This last loss rocked our world. We honestly started to think with this pregnancy that things really could finally go well for us. We have not made that mistake since. We go into every situation with caution, and with protected hearts. We can no longer go into pregnancy or adoption expecting a positive outcome like so many of our peers can. Instead, we expect more loss, pain and grief. This miscarriage affected us even more than the first.

My home is silent today. There is no crying baby, no in-laws excitedly staying in our guest room, no friends coming to visit our new precious baby. It's just another day like every other day for us. Except I remember...what could have been.