My Cup Runneth Over

I have been dreading writing this post, because I can imagine it will be hurtful to some of you. But, it is time to spill my guts. The secret is too much. Those of you infertiles with pregnancy radar (you know, that sick feeling you get when you know the hit to the gut is coming) already know what I will be saying, so here it goes...we are pregnant.

We are 18 weeks along as of today, and as far as we can tell, all is well. I can imagine this is a shock to some of you, as it was to us at first! It certainly adds another layer to our story and it has been difficult for me to not write about it. To answer some common questions, let me tell you the short version of the story. First, we were not trying when we got pregnant. We quit ALL fertility treatments after our second miscarriage in December. This baby came on his/her own time in the natural way. We found out on June 10 and got the call about the match on June 24. We thought we would lose this pregnancy, so we kept the news to ourselves. My HCG numbers did not double at first, and that only strengthened my opinion that we were on our way to a third miscarriage. We decided to wait until we got a little further before telling our social worker and the birthparents who had chosen us. When we were 10 weeks along, a week before meeting the birthparents, we told them. We were absolutely terrified they would not want us to parent their child anymore. Our hearts were set on adoption, on them, and on their baby, should they choose to place. This pregnancy changed none of that. To our amazement, both T and A (birthparents) were relaxed about our pregnancy and took every opportunity to tell us how excited they were for us. To this day, they ask every time we talk to them about how the pregnancy is going. They are so happy to hear it is going well. I'll never get over how blessed we are to have them in our life.

I have had many ultrasounds, and all is well. My last appointment was 2 weeks ago at 16 weeks, and it was just a doppler. Jason and I monitor with our at-home doppler to ease my anxiety. Although, since Jackson has joined our family, that doesn't happen as often as it used to:). Our next appointment is in 2 weeks, at which point we'll find out if Jackson will be having a baby brother or sister. I pray that all is well and the baby is still kicking in there (literally kicking, as s/he is always moving around like crazy during ultrasounds). I have already felt movement on and off, and it is quite incredible.

There is so much more to say about this. So many emotions I have experienced that I may share in time. I can tell you that ambivalence has been one of them. None of this journey has been what I have expected, and I am working every day to release my plan and allow life to happen the way it is meant to happen. I am also trying my hardest to trust myself, my dear husband and Jackson...trust that all three of us will be able to handle another big change in 5 months. Mostly, I'd just love to trust myself and my own ability to handle two babies. I'm pretty sure my 2 boys will adjust just fine:).

For now, I'll just leave you with that news. I hope it settles ok with most of you, and I want those of you still trying and waiting to know that I have been where you are, and the pain does end. My story has come to this place, with two amazing blessings (assuming this pregnancy progresses), and I honestly wondered on most days if I'd ever even be blessed with one baby. Honestly, if Jackson was all that God gave me, my life would be complete. He makes me complete. The fact that I also have the blessing of a pregnancy, a second baby to love, brings me to tears. I don't deserve all of this, and yet here it is. I am seeing that I named my blog appropriately - continue to keep your hope close to your heart. Don't let this journey rip it from you day after day. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I will post my 12 week and 18 week belly pics next posting, so this is a warning to those who may not want to see those (again, I've been there) to not read that post:).

Lastly, I want to thank all of you for your comments on that last post. They meant so much to me and I read them over and over again as I gathered my strength from you. This mommy thing is hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Oh, and I bought a Miracle Blanket, as suggested by a reader, which came in the mail today:). I'll let you know how it works for our little man. The thought of a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours is so exciting!

I don't often quote the Bible, but the time has come...

"...my cup runneth over."

Psalms 23:5