It Hurts

Yes, I am still here.  As I've said before, I'm still figuring out exactly what to post here, and what to save for the family blog I have.  It's too hard to keep both places updated on everything all the time!  So, I have been updating the other blog with all the fun and exciting things Jackson and Addison are doing.  I certainly COULD update here, if there is interest - but, alas, my comments have decreased significantly and I'm not so sure anyone really cares:)!

That said, what I DO want to post about is my incredible disappointment that Jackson's birthparents (T and A) have all but disappeared.  I am feeling so, so sad.  Not for me, but for my sweet boy.  T and A are no longer together, in fact A has separated himself so that T can't even find him.  And it seems he is doing the same to us, although I am unclear why.  The last time we saw him, in January, we met up at the Children's Museum and had a blast.  He texted after we left to say what a great time he had.  And that was the last we heard from him.  It was a couple of weeks before A was released from prison.  I am pretty sure we (or, more accurately, Jackson) are the only connection he has to T and maybe he just doesn't want that.  But what about Jackson?  What about what he needs?  With T, I am pretty sure it is more about her getting her life back together and being busy....and trying to move on from that part of her life.  She does still pop up here and there, commenting on a picture on facebook or sending a Mother's Day card, although I can't get her to commit to a time to visit (she lives about 3 hours away).

My sadness is not from my own selfish need to be close to them, although that IS there.  I consider them family, and being close to them means I can show them how much I appreciate all they have done for Jackson and for our family through how happy Jackson is.  Yes, selfish...but honest.  But I could get past that.  My heart is full in so many ways.  But, what about Jackson?  I honestly don't believe his life could be complete without them in it.  I'm not an adoptee, so I can't be sure.  All I can do is try to put myself in my son's shoes.  And when I do that, I can't get past the fact that T and A are his first parents.  He has T's eyes and A's smile.  He is a fiercely independent child, which I suspect he gets from both of them.  I imagine he has many, many other traits that could be traced back to them - but without them here to teach us, how will we know?  And how will HE know?

I feel them slipping away, and I don't know what to do.  Our social worker said all we can do is remind them that they are important to Jackson and keep the door open.  That's all I can do?  This is my son's heart I am trying to protect here!  I think I am coming to one of the hard parts of adoption that I never thought about - my sweet boy's well-being does not JUST lie in our hands.  We need his birthparents to be on board to.  He needs them.  There are things we just can never do for him, stories we can't tell, questions we can't answer.  I was ok with that...until I realized that all this means that I can't be his world.  I mean, I knew that logically.  But now I feel it.  Now I am experiencing it.  A young child's world is his parents.  I believe that an adopted child's world includes all of his parents, in one way or another.  At an early age, his world may fail him.  And there is, quite literally, nothing I can do to protect him from that.

I will admit, I went into adoption starry-eyed.  We would have a beautiful relationship with birthparents simply because we wanted it and what birthparents wouldn't want to know us, too?  We would have a child who was happy and secure in all of these complicated relationships.  I've read lots of books on adoption, so why couldn't this be the case?  What was I thinking?!  If I had to guess, I would say this is the first of many obstacles we are going to face as adoptive parents.  This is just the beginning.  It hurts.  It hurts because I can see the potential hurt for my sweet Jackson.  And I don't want him to hurt - ever.

There is a lesson here...in trust.  I need to trust T and A, and their love for Jackson.  When he needs them, I need to trust that they will be there.  I need to trust in myself and in Jason - that we can be strong and be what Jackson needs when his heart does hurt.  I need to trust Jackson.  He is his own person, with many strengths and unique vulnerabilities.  I need to trust our relationship with him.  If love is enough, then we are ok.  There is an insane amount of love in this house.  We can do this.  We can do this.

Momma!

We have hit a new milestone in my house that I have waited years for!  My little boy now calls me momma!  He started about a month ago - when his uncle picked him up and he wanted me, he reached for me and said "momma!"  My heart melted.  But he still didn't do it consistently and so I started wondering if it had been a fluke.  And then, just this week, he now calls for me often.  When I was going to go to the store without him last night, he reached for me, tears in his eyes and cried out, "momma! momma!"  You better bet he went to the store WITH his momma!  How could I say no?

Becoming a mom has been the greatest joy I could ever imagine.  As Jackson has grown, he has shown so many emotions.  Sometimes he loves me, other times he is so very angry with me.  He is a wildly independent child, and so snuggles are hard to come by.  I crave closeness with my little man.  So, when he reaches for me and calls me "momma," my heart just swells.  I am so, so blessed.  Having this precious boy call me "momma" is such an honor.  I love him all the way to the moon....and back.

Seriously, could he be any cuter?

I can't leave out my sweet angel baby girl - gorgeous, isn't she?

What Does Mother's Day Mean To You?

I recently noticed an article about Mother's Day entitled "Taking Mother's Day Back" floating around on facebook.  The general idea, in case you don't want to head to the link and read it yourself, was that Mother's Day is just another day for moms to have to work (cleaning up the breakfast her kids made for her, trimming  and tending to the flowers that are given to her, etc) and that we should take back the day for ourselves.  She suggested an "anti-Mother's Day."   She states, "For one day, all I want is to be left alone and not be a mother."

Ok, so don't get me wrong, as she continues, I can see her point.  I totally feel her when she says that for once, she wants to sleep in (hallelujah!), not do laundry, wipe noses or behinds, etc.  I have my days when I literally pull my hair and scream, "I need a break!"  You all read my last post - things aren't always rosy in my world.  Motherhood is not always simple, glamorous or magical.  

That said...I absolutely do not want to be left alone on Mother's Day.  I want to spend every second I can with my 2 sweet babies.  I waited for so many years to get to celebrate this special day as a mom.  I dreamed of the things I could do, and those always included little smiling faces.  I imagined what it would be like to face that day with a full heart.  Last year, my first Mother's Day as a mom, I did sleep in.  And then I spent the whole day with my family, just relishing the feeling of being a mom.  

I wonder what message it sends as a mom to say "I want nothing to do with you on this day that is set aside to celebrate my special and blessed role as your mom?"  I could not be a mom without those 2 sweet toddlers currently tucked in to their cribs for the night.  They are my gifts, my blessings, my life.  The way I see it, on Mother's Day, I am thanking them for all they bring to me.  I get to be their mom.  

I spend every day being thankful that I have a life that includes enough.  Enough everything - health, food, shelter, safety, unnecessary material things, whatever.  I get to wake up healthy next to my healthy husband listening to my healthy babies babbling (or sometimes crying at me) over their monitors.  Then I have the energy and resources to spend each day with this beautiful family, raising these two precious little people.  All of this is nothing less than amazing.   With all that is scary, painful, and horrific in this world...I get this life.  I don't know why I am this privileged, but I choose not to take it for granted.

So, for me, Mother's Day is a special day to celebrate the dream that I am living, as Jackson's and Addison's mom.  I don't know exactly what I will do that day, but I can assure you it will be spent with my miracles. So, I ask you, what does Mother's Day mean to you?

I'm Just Sayin'

I just feel the need to post about something because it's been popping up for me lately, and usually if I write it, it goes away! I want to preface this entire post by stating that I AM HAPPY. I am not complaining and very few moments go by without me recognizing my many blessings in this life.

Ok, all of that said, I am finding myself getting a little jealous (if that's really the word?) of moms with only one baby or one baby and one older child lately. I wonder if jealous is really the word because I don't get all snippy and bitter and angry. I just kind of look at them and wish I could do what they can do. Like, if I had only one, I would hop on a plane with him or her and head to Michigan to visit my family. I work part time and I could do it. But not with two. Not now, not ever. I would die! And I miss my family so much. I desperately want them to know my kids. Or, like, going to the park. It is absolutely impossible for one adult to go with 2 toddlers to the park, the mall, the pool....really anywhere. One toddler heads one way, the other inevitably goes the other. One climbs up on the climber (which is up high and not safe at all) and the other wants to explore the other end of the park. There has to ALWAYS be 2 adults. I want to be able to get up and go when one wakes up from a nap - but, alas, the other one isn't up. I just want to be more free.

With Jason's schedule the way it is, I haven't had to feel too cooped up. But, his shift is changing after 2 years, and I am facing the reality that I will be left alone with my 2 munchkins the majority of every day and night. I signed the babies up for kindermusic classes and have had to begin asking friends to come with me, because we aren't sure Jason can go with his new shift and there has to be one adult to one child. I want to do swimming lessons, but again, who will go with me? I have no family here. So now what? It's like every little thing that I see other moms doing takes an incredible amount of planning...and then begging other people to go with me. Jason was out of town 2 weekends ago and I desperately wanted the babies to be able to go to the Easter event at the mall...so I begged someone to go with me. I find myself feeling so guilty, and I try to rotate who I beg. I hate having to rely on other people. But I want my babies to be able to do anything they would have been able to do if there had only been one of them. I don't want our decision to have them so close together to take away from their experiences. Oh yes...there it is. Here is what is behind it all - good 'ole mommy guilt. So, I guess jealous wasn't the world. Guilt was.

I assume this gets better as they get older. At some point, I should be able to take them out without needing one adult per child. But I am guessing that is still out in the future somewhere. I just need to make peace with the fact that this is what we chose, this is our life, and it is a GOOD life. Maybe my babies can't go as many places as other babies. But they have a perfect little playmate at home, and they will always have that in each other. I have to let go of my need to go out and do so much. Or I have to suck it up and keep begging. This definitely isn't the way I imagined motherhood. Maybe that's why I get a little bit jealous. The way those moms are doing it is the way I imagined motherhood would be for me. I would pop my baby in the car seat and we'd head out to the park whenever we wanted. S/he and I would be carefree and would be able to really enjoy each other's presence. As it is now, most outings become chaotic and stressful as I struggle to stay on top of two toddlers' demands before one or the other, or both, melt down. It just isn't how I imagined it to be. It's not bad, it's just hard.

Ok, so now it's out there. I apologize if it sounds like I am complaining. I'm really not. These 2 beautiful children bring me an immense amount of joy every day. Sometimes, I just get tired. And wonder what it would be like to have children ONE at a time, lol!

Happy Easter!

Jason's family is in town so this is our first holiday since moving to Arizona that we actually have family visiting to celebrate with! We are loving it!

Addy getting in a snuggle on camera - love it:).

Ok, they were a teensy bit more cooperative in this one:).

Easter dinner!

Egg hunting!

He totally got the concept - it was too cute! I dreamed of doing things like this with my kids - now look at us!

Mmm...jelly beans. He's never had these before, so he was quite impressed, lol!

Our bunny princess:).

We went a little overboard with the Easter baskets - it was so fun, though. Again, it's one of those things I dreamed about, but for years really wondered if I'd ever get to do.

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope yours was as blessed as ours was!

My Biggest Fear

I've written about this before, and I fear my "bucket of crazy" is getting worse, not better. Anyone watch Private Practice? Well I finally caught up with the last episode. Mason is losing his mom to cancer. They had to say goodbye. And I just couldn't handle watching this sweet boy and his mom say "I love you" for the very last time. I no longer can hear stories of children losing their moms, or moms losing their children. I mean, they were always difficult for me, but now they literally shake me to my core.

I worry every day that something is going to happen to take me away from my babies, or them from me. I cannot be separated from them, I just can't. It is an awe-inspiring feeling to know you are needed and loved above anyone else in the world by two very little people. There is also a lot of pressure there! I had never thought about and perseverated on the concept of my own death until I became a mom. When I take a long drive, I think about what would happen if I got into an accident. How would they be ok without me? Can a child really survive the loss of his/her mom? It seems unthinkable.

Yet, I think about it. Perhaps our recent purchase of life insurance and my current research into lawyers to write a will is fueling some of these fears and anxieties? As a mom, I have to make sure my precious children are taken care of if I am not here. But, that is just money, things, substitute caregivers. Can anyone take care of them like I can? Absolutely not. I find myself bargaining (with whom, I am not sure), "please just let me make it until they can remember me if I was gone." And then I think...but really I want to be here to see them raise their children. I NEED to be here, with them, always.

As I write this, I am thinking of ways I can protect myself against this immense fear. Maybe I should eat better, exercise more, I don't know...isn't there something I could do? I just need to be here. That is it. Every night I go to bed and thank God I am still here, still healthy and still able to care for them. And then I thank God that they are still here, still healthy and perfect in every single way. Not a day goes by that I don't take note of my blessings. And then my fears creep in - I worry about what hardships are ahead. Will I be able to handle them? Will they? I know things can't be this good forever. I want so badly to not spend this blessed time worrying about what might come later.

I'd say I do a pretty good job of not letting my immense fear overtake me. When I watch a show with this theme in it, though, it kind of takes over. Anyone else have these worries? Is this a normal mommy thing that no one ever talks about? Or I am really just crazy?

So Many Memories

I am in a space of figuring out the purpose of this blog. When we were immersed in infertility and loss, it made sense. And when the babies came, and they were changing with every week, it seemed updates were appropriate. But I feel like we've entered a new stage, and I'm not yet sure what that means for this blog. If you have ideas, be sure to let me know in the comments.

I've been in a reminiscent phase lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe because my sweet babies are no longer babies, but walking, talking toddlers. We have begun a new era in our family. And while I know I am ready, the memories just flood me sometimes.

I was driving to Phoenix yesterday, a long drive that takes me past Tucson and north to Phoenix. Our adoption agency is in Tucson and Jackson's bmom used to reside in a prison near Phoenix. So there are many memories along that stretch of road. As I began the trip, I was wary and did not want to make it. I was tired and not sure I was up for the drive. I was also anxious for the exam that awaited me in Phoenix. Those familiar feelings brought me back to the long drive we took up to meet Jackson's birthparents for the very first time, when Jackson's birthmom had about 2 months left of her pregnancy. I was so sick (very early in my pregnancy) and so tired. And the anxiety was indescribable. I remember meeting A (birthfather) and our social worker in Tucson to take the last leg of the trip up. I remember wondering what he thought of us, if he'd deem us good enough to be his child's parents. And then we met T (birthmother) and her ambivalence and uncertainty only strengthened our intense fear and anxiety. What a trip that was. When I remember it, my body still tenses. The memory is that powerful and real for me.

Then I passed through Tucson and remembered a fateful meeting with our social worker when I had to tell her I was pregnant and just pray that she would understand and still support us in this adoption. I had just left my 10 week ultrasound telling me that Addison was still growing and thriving. It was time to share the news. I was armed with only my exceptional begging skills and a good friend along with me. I thought I might throw up. Everything was riding on this conversation it seemed. I could still lose the pregnancy, and I just couldn't lose this baby too. To my surprise, she wasn't angry or upset or disappointed. And of course she would tell A and T and let me know as soon as she heard back. You know the ending to the story. They affirmed that they still thought we were the best choice for their baby, after asking us if we were sure we could handle it (oh, if we had only known, lol!). Our love for them deepened.

I had another somewhat familiar sensation as I took this trip to Phoenix...my breasts were in excruciating pain! We are in the process of sleep training Addison, so I am no longer nursing her in the middle of the night. My body has not caught up yet. So, ouch! I was immediately thrown back to so many car rides throughout my three pregnancies. All those hours to obsess. And the only symptom I seemed to care about? Yep, sore boobs. I poked and prodded them constantly to make sure they were still sore - for the only sign I thought I had that I was still pregnant. As I tolerated this current pain, I pondered my past pain.

Some days, life just hits me. When I see where I came from, and where I am today...I am in literal awe. I am so sentimental these days. I wish I could go back and have all these moments again, savor each one...even the hard ones. Because they all brought me to this moment - with my 2 babies safely tucked into their cribs for the night. If I could have known then the peace I would have now, I wonder how differently I would have done things? I guess it doesn't matter. This is all that matters...