Thursday, September 1, 2011

A Tall Bucket of Crazy

I think it's time to introduce you to the neurotic side of me. Or what my husband so lovingly calls my "bucket of crazy." I don't often go into all sides of my emotional life here (does anyone?), but something has shifted in me since being a mom. And writing has always been cathartic for me. And maybe someone out there will tell me they feel the same way and I won't feel so darned crazy.

I have found myself worrying about something bad happening to me, my babies, or my family a lot lately. I am the happiest I have ever been. I finally feel like everything is in balance in my life. Like all the work I put into college, graduate school, my career and, finally and most importantly, my family has paid off. This is where I always wanted to be. And now that I'm here, I am terrified that something is going to take this peace away from me.

This most likely comes from hearing a lot of sad stories lately. Sweet Ruby Jane, a 7 month old baby girl, passed away due to a bad liver. They found out she was sick when she was about 5 months old and couldn't find a suitable donor in time. I now follow her mommy's blog and literally ache with grief for her. A 3 month old baby boy, Gabriel, was killed by a drunk driver who crossed a barrier and smashed into the car he was in. An online friend of mine rushed into the wreckage to try and save him. But he was already gone. Too soon. And, just today, another blogger posted about a mommy who lost her 4 month old baby girl, Maddie, to SIDS earlier this year. All of these stories hurt me to the core. Maybe it's because my babies are close to these ages, I don't know. My absolute need to protect them is so intense that the thought of anything happening to them sends me into a panic. And if something happened to me...well, no baby should have to live without his/her momma. And I don't want that for them. I know these stories are rare. I know I should just enjoy this bliss that is mommyhood. And I usually do. But, periodically, throughout the day, I look at them and tears spring to my eyes as I remember those 3 babies and think about how I would survive such a loss. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I love Jackson and Addison so very much. I love my husband. I just love my family. Is it weird that I have a hard time believing that this place of happiness can exist indefinitely? Maybe because I've never been in this place before? No matter the reason, I gotta work on this. Believe me, I don't let this "crazy" dominate my life. It's just like this dull worrying in the back of my mind. And I don't want it there. But maybe this is what people mean when they say you will always worry about your children?

So, there you go, your journey into my conflicted emotional world:). I always appreciate your support, so thank you for allowing me this safe place to write this out.


  1. Faith, that is NOT crazy - I think it must be normal. I knew two of these three stories and they have not left my mind since. Since then, I got Asha's car seat re-installed by the police just to make sure it was correctly done. I am terrified when she is in the car with me and drive very very slowly. Every sneeze, cough etc worries me as a symptom of something deeper. I know this is not supposed to be the case but the thought of something happening to her paralyzes me with fear. I call home 10 times a day from work to see what she is doing (and I am gone a max of 6 hours). Those stories really threw me and I feel so helpless when protecting a defenseless baby against a large and sometimes senseless world.

  2. We've all got a bucket of crazy. I have the same fears and my family isnt even complete yet! Im worrying about things that havent even happened (or havent even been born yet)! I think it's natural. You love your family. You love that you are finally happy and at peace, and I think it's natural to think "Uh oh now what's going to happening?" I think we just have to live each day to the max, or try and anyways and enjoy what we have. I mean I would say that my bucket of crazy if about 75% full all the time. And Im working on it too. But I think this is just a part of life. Don't you feel alone in that :)

  3. Faith.. definitely not crazy at all! I think all moms worry, but those who have been through as much as we have to finally get our little ones, I think in a way we are extra protective and "crazy" so to speak. I do know two of the three stories, as well (similar to what Nitu mentioned) and when I read the one about the drunk driver the other day, I just held my babies SO tight and got tears in my eyes because I don't know what I'd do if something happened to one of them. I remember my mom used to tell my brother and me that the reason she was so protective and worried so much about us is because she could not go on if we weren't in her life. I don't know how a mom deals w/loss. I can't even imagine and don't even let myself imagine because even bringing myself to try and comprehend how sad I would be is almost too unbearable for me. And, how sad about the SIDS baby.... I've been thinking about that since I have another on the way... just remembering the worry I had w/the twins when they were in that "risk" stage for SIDS.

    Anyhow, thanks for being honest about your feelings. Just want you to know you are NOT alone!!!

  4. This is a GREAT post Mama. Like you, I feel like my empathy/compassion/overload on feelings filter is totally blown around stories of children and loss. And of course it makes sense--but that doesn't make it easier. When I have thoughts of this nature, I work hard to see us all safe, surrounded by a moat, and living in a 14th century stone castle! It resets my Mama-fear button. I think parents are wired this way for a reason. It gives of that extra protective sense--like Spiderman! Mama-man :) Thank you for sharing it--and sending a castle image your way.

  5. Faith-You know me & my "babies" and they are my most valuable thing God has graced me with. With every passing yr the worries just change. A Mom never stops worrying, ever. That is a God-given instinct that cant be removed. Only God knows the minute and the hour we will go home to him, Its predetermined & no about of worrying, protecting can change that. Know this: God loves children and he picks the path that gift to us ends in this world. To keep your sanity, move ahead with all the plans and worry because his plan most probably is running the race to the end of your life. I too get overwhelmed with worry often and I crumble but get up again with Gods help. We cant imagine the whys of such things, but it will be reviled.
    Just the other day I was having a melt down because Garrett got his license and signed for organ donation. Worrying about it changes nothing.

  6. Right there with you! I'm plenty crazy worrying about the same type of things. I keep trying to remind myself that when I worry I'm not trusting God. It doesn't always work though. But, I'm trying!

  7. Oh I so get this!!! I sometimes have to stop reading blogs because of all the tragic stories. It's not good for someone very prone to anxiety like myself. I worry about everything, so you can imagine my anxiety when we were told L had kidney problems. Even though the rational side of me was trying to believe everyone who assured me it wasn't a big deal, the crazy side of me was freaking out. We just don't want anything to happen to our families!