Reality

I have debated with myself about writing this post. I know that for those out there still waiting and dreaming, this will be a hard post to connect with. And, yet, I feel that the true reality of my experience as a mom has to be shared, both for my sanity and because I need the support of all of you out there. I promise those of you waiting that your day will come, too, that you write a post about all the things you didn't expect (or want) to happen! Let me first start, though, by saying that I love my son, more than anything. I would do anything for him. I want to be very clear that what I am about to write does not for one second negate the fact that I am eternally grateful for the gift that is Jackson...

That said, my last week has been h**l. Literally. I cannot tell you how unhappy we have all been since last Wednesday. It started with Jackson fussing a lot more, then spitting up constantly. And I don't mean a little bit here and there, constant vomit, everywhere and all the time. The vomit now includes huge quantities of clear spit up, just flowing out of him, usually about an hour after feeding, accompanied by crying. Then, it escalated to Jackson not sleeping, he gets up multiple times at night and he won't sleep much during the day. What is he doing if he's not sleeping you ask? He is SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, sometimes for hours at a time. Nothing calms him. Holding him, rocking him, bouncing him, walking him, swaddling him, swinging him, you name it, nothing works. For THREE days, we got none of what we call his "happy times." I've described them in previous posts - those smiley, talkative times that we always got after his bottles. They were just gone. Thankfully, they have re-appeared, albeit less boisterous and less often for sure.

I finally called the on-call doctor on Friday because we were at a loss. He immediately said he thought Jackson had a Milk Soy Protein Intolerance (MSPI) as well as "severe acid reflux." Don't ask me why this showed up so brutally now. He's always been a spitter, but nothing like this. He changed Jackson to a VERY expensive hypoallergenic formula (which STINKS beyond belief) and told us to see our doctor on Monday to get medication for reflux. He also scolded me, saying we were overfeeding him. I guess reflux babies do something called "comfort feeding," getting some relief as they eat, so they act hungry and eat too much, which only aggravates the reflux. Little did I know. Jackson has been acting hungry non-stop, hence all the screaming I think. We are trying to feed him ONLY every 3 hours - to compare, he had been in a wonderful routine of every 4 hours. Now, he begins screaming at 2 - 2.5 hours, wanting to eat again. We don't want to overfeed and aggravate the reflux, so we don't feed him, and therefore endure hours of ear-piercing screaming every day. We go from meltdown to meltdown, and it is exhausting, both physically and (especially) emotionally.

We did see the pediatrician yesterday and he agreed Jackson has acid reflux and put him on Zantac. He is not sure about the MSPI but agreed to my idea to keep him on the hypoallergenic formula. If/when he finally evens out, we could begin re-introducing milk and see if the meds alone keep him stable. I am desperate. I would do anything to get my former happy baby back. It's like another baby has replaced him. A switch was flipped, and it's like the joy was sucked out of Jackson and out of our parenting experience. Our lives have been put on hold, we've gotten nothing done (no Christmas tree up, no trips out of the house for days, etc). Like I said, we just move from meltdown to meltdown and try to survive. I am only half-heartedly hopeful about the meds. I've read enough and researched enough to know Zantac needs to be increased often, and that it does wear off. The thought of this going on for months on end is, well, intolerable.

I think what makes me so sad is that I am not enjoying my son, my role as his mommy. I have waited so dang long for this. And now I am in this place where I just dread each day, wondering how hard it will be. Only 2 weeks ago or so, I posted that I enjoyed each day, looked forward to every moment we had with him - and I did. It's like the world just flipped on me in a week. We have no routine, no rest and no answers.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is not how I imagined mommyhood to be, but it is reality. This is what you sign up for, it's just not what you dream of when you dream of holding your precious baby in your arms. I really hope this ends soon. Until then, I may or may not post a lot. I do not want to sound like I am complaining about my beautiful son. I love him dearly. I just have a lot of feelings about what is happening, and how I'm going to get through it. And I can't risk those being misinterpreted. Just know we are here, and we are trying to get through our days as best we can. As I have more news, I will post.