Suspended

I find myself in this strange place as Jackson's mom. There are moments when I wish time would stop. I look back at his newborn pictures and realize he is a completely different baby. He has grown so much! And I have learned so much about him. Our relationship has flourished since those precious moments when I first held him in my arms. And then there are also moments in which I wish time would just speed up, because some moments with him can be really hard and I find myself looking forward to when he is older. I think this is mostly because I assume he will be better able to regulate himself then (i.e. have some patience and not scream bloody murder every time he gets hungry or overtired, be able to fall asleep on his own, sleep in his own crib, sleep through the night, etc.). While being a mommy is by far the absolute best experience I have had in my entire life, it is hard sometimes.

With Jackson being so young, and being my first, I worry about him and if I'm making the right decisions. So you can get a good look at my "crazy mommy" side, here is a list of a few of the things at the top of my "worry list" today:

• Is he on the right formula? We've tried 4 now. He seems to finally be doing well on this one, but I watch him like a hawk, wanting so badly for this to be the one that helps him spit up less, have less gas, get rid of his constipation, and fill his tummy so he can take good naps and sleep well at night. That's a lot to ask out of a formula, I know, but if I spend what I am spending on it, I feel I can expect these things!!!
• Should he be sleeping in his crib by now? He only naps in his swing and won't stay asleep anywhere else for naps. He still sleeps in his bassinet at night. Am I setting myself up for disaster by not having him sleep in his crib now?
• Should he be fussing less at this age or is this normal? And what is the screaming about? He has these moments where he just screams, and I mean SCREAMS. I am sure the neighbors can hear him. And often we don't know why. We know when he's hungry or overtired, but sometimes it seems those aren't the reasons and we are at a loss.
• Should he be more interested in toys? He loves to look at and play with us...should I be encouraging more toy play?

Ok, now I know logically that the answer to most of these questions is that Jackson will develop at his own pace and it will all be okay, no matter what. But, in the moments of screaming, feeding, waking when he should be napping...well, I have to wonder. I know him now so much better than I knew him 2 months ago, and that has helped. I wonder if I will be able to say the same thing in 2 more months? My guess is these things may be resolved by then, but new worries are awaiting us!

I don't know what the "perfect" mommy answers are. I don't know if I should be doing more, if he should be doing more. All I know is he is an amazing little boy who loves his mommy and daddy so much already and shows us all day long how much he takes joy in our presence. And I want to enjoy that. So, I do. I do ask questions, I do make changes and try new things with him, I do worry sometimes, but mostly I just love him. I love every day with him.

The best part is I know I have years of amazing moments with him, and with his baby sister. Sometimes my heart just soars with happiness when I think about all the moments of joy and happiness we will have together as our family grows and as times passes. I feel like I am suspended in this weird space and time that I haven't experienced before - I appreciate my past because of where it has brought us, I love our present and I can't wait for our future. It's been a long time since I have been able to say that. This mommy thing sure is worth all the pain it takes for some of us to get here, all the work it takes to just stay sane some days, and all the ups and downs that are inevitably a part of raising our sweet babies.