So many people have asked how the visit with Jackson's birthmom, T, went. It has become a pretty normal part of our lives, these relationships, so I forget that other people find it all very fascinating. The visit went, in a word, beautifully. Jackson took to T immediately after not seeing her for a year. T clearly was working hard to contain her emotions, and I so wish she didn't feel the need to do so in our presence. I hope we can build our relationship to a point where we have complete openness and honestly. Like all relationships, ours is a work in progress.
Jackson enjoyed showing T all around the aquarium and mall....and then feeding her french fries at lunch. It could be in my head, but he seemed to grasp how special she was. He kissed her on the cheek and "hammed it up" for her. She pointed out different characteristics of his that she loved...and how he had her skin and her eyes. Yes, he sure does. I wish I could post pictures here - I have the most amazing photos of them (and all of us) together. But I have not gained her permission, and I'd like to keep my blog as my own place for now (and not share it with Jackson's birth family...yet).
My friend today asked me how I felt about it all...she seemed to not know how she felt about it when I showed her the pictures. While I see the pictures and my heart just swells with love, others see them and seem conflicted. It's like they are holding back...not sure if they are supposed to love the image of my son kissing T's face. I try to model pure love and acceptance, but there must be something in this society that says a photo of a little boy sitting in between his mom and birthmom carries some...what? Sadness? Pain? Competition? Jealousy? I'm not sure. Because none of that is true for us.
I suppose I have grown into this place, if I am being honest. I shared with my friend that the visits in the first few months of Jackson's life were harder. Our relationship was not yet fully established...I loved him with everything I had, but I didn't yet have the feedback from him that he knew I was his mom, his forever mom. Infants don't always give that right away. And he had been in her womb longer than he'd been with me. I was a shaky mom, unsure of who I was in this role. So, yes, seeing their bond and hearing others call her Jackson's mom unveiled my vulnerabilities. But this time, it was different. Jackson and I have been through so much - the fussy infant stage in which I walked and rocked him for countless hours, and my voice was often all he wanted, the new toddler stage in which he looked to me before he made any move to make sure he was safe and cried whenever I had to leave him, and the two-year-old stage in which we butt heads daily and still snuggle each night before bed, reliving our days together in words and stories and grand gestures (from him usually:)). Our relationship is solid. Jackson having another mom does not take away from my role as his mom, it only adds to his sense of being loved and cherished. And it is his reality, pure and simple. If I denied it, did not allow him to see her, did not talk about her or talk about his 10 months in her womb....well, his reality would still be the same. I would just create conflict, fear and uncertainty in his little heart. No thank you. She is his birth mom, I am his adoptive mom. Our roles in his life differ, but both roles are crucial in forming the man he will someday become.
So, there you have it, that is how things went on our beautiful visit with T! And she loved her necklace:). Jackson's birthdad, A, has still not re-initiated contact. He tells his parents (who tell us) that he's just not ready yet. That's ok. We'll be here when he is. Thanks for your questions and interest....your thoughts and wonderings help me to organize mine:).
