Sunday, October 31, 2010

So Many Firsts!!

Wow, our precious boy is really growing up! Let me show you some of his amazing firsts in the last 2 weeks...

His new play mat. He LOVES this play mat, mostly for the singing, light-up star on the top and the mirror.

Poor baby was SO tired after his 2 month shots, this was taken after some hard core cuddling with mommy and daddy:).

I just had to show you that little band-aid - he had one on each leg. Broke his momma's heart.

He's figuring out his Bumbo. His head is still a little wobbly, but we spend time in it almost every day to help strengthen those muscles! He was more interested in mommy next to him than daddy with the camera in this picture:).

This is truly the GRAND FINALE!!! Today, for the first time, he took a nap in his crib! I can't believe what a big boy he is becoming. See that bear in the corner? That was the key. When that bear plays the ocean sounds, Jackson can't help but close those beautiful eyes and take a little rest:). I was so proud of him! But, I had to immediately tell daddy that mommy is nowhere near ready for Jackson to begin sleeping there at night...way too far away. We'll work on that when he's a little older:).

Friday, October 29, 2010

24 week appointment

We saw the OB again yesterday and got another ultrasound. The doctor is still trying to see baby girl's face, and she keeps hiding it. So we get to have ultrasounds each time we go! She said we worked so hard for this baby, so we deserve lots of ultrasounds. One of the many reasons I travel over 1.5 hours to see her! She is really great.

Anyway, baby girl looked SO much bigger. Her head looked huge, and she was head down, face planted into my spine. (Could be the reason for my intense lower back pain at times?) So, once again, she hid her face from view. We were able to see pieces (eyes, forehead, etc) with the vaginal ultrasound. We also saw her adorable little perfect ears. Incredible. She is still looking like a girl "down there," although the doctor said her view last time was better than this time. She was all crunched up in a ball. She estimated that baby girl weighed 1lb 10oz. I can't believe it. I'm still in awe that this little baby, who by the way just reached the AGE OF VIABILITY (eek!), is in ME. She kicked and squirmed so much. I swear she knows when I put the doppler on my belly, or when the ultrasound probe is there. She starts moving like crazy. Jason was able to feel a lot of it, too, which was such a cool experience. One I honestly never thought I'd have. I remember writing about my feelings of complete failure - failing to give him those experiences. And here we were, Jackson sleeping away in his daddy's arms, experiencing together our baby girl growing and moving. Does every pregnant woman just stand in awe at this whole experience?

Honestly, every time she starts an ultrasound, I hold my breath. I literally can hear here say the words, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" for a split second. And then she doesn't, and I breathe again. With each ultrasound, the anxiety fades more quickly. But, I can't forget. I can't act like I am normal and expect everything to be ok. I wonder if that will ever go away?

For now, everything IS ok. I am carrying so many feelings of bliss, fear, anxiety, happiness, you name it. And I know that this is also normal for any pregnant woman, so I am just experiencing it all with calm. So far, no big freak outs:). Talk to me when she's within a month of arrival. I bet "calm" won't be in my vocabulary anymore!

Ok, a recently created poopy diaper calls! I'll update you after our next appointment in a month...time sure is flying!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

2 Month Appointment

Jackson went to the pediatrician today for his 2 month appointment. That means shots. I'll get to that. He weighs 11lb 9oz and is 23 inches long. The slightly scary part is he only gained 1lb 6oz since his last appointment. To get an idea, he gained THREE pounds in his first month, so we expected more. He went from the 50th percentile to the 36th. That is our clue that he needs to eat more. The doctor agreed he needs to gain a little more. We are going to increase him to 5 ounces of formula at a time now, as he eats his bottles pretty quickly right now and seems to be able to eat more if we offer it. Now, the shots. He SCREAMED. Our boy can scream, by the way. We rarely let him and meet his needs on demand, but there is nothing we could do but watch him be hurt. I never get so sick to my stomach as when we are at the doctor and he is being hurt. I seriously have to restrain myself from hitting the doctor or nurse who is doing the hurting. It's like a serious deep anger that just erupts in me when someone is hurting my son. Luckily, I have self control. I just grab him the minute they are done and comfort him the best I can.

Since getting the shots, he has been very fussy. I should also say he has had a rough three days or so. He is fighting sleep non-stop - and by fighting I mean, dozing off, then kicking and wiggling and then getting angry that he isn't sleeping. It requires a great deal of hands-on attention from us, and it is exhausting. I know they go through phases and ups and downs. I really liked the phase before this one - eating every four hours on the dot, then having happy play time, then sleeping soundly for a couple of hours while I got stuff done. It was beautiful. The time has passed. So, after a few rough days, and now the shots, I am just taking it hour by hour. My to-do list has literally not been touched in three days. If you know me, you know that may be giving me an ulcer. But, I remind myself that he is more important, and it will all be ok. And it will. Despite his fussiness, he is so precious and I love him so very much. Daddy did take "before and after" shots when Jackson got his shots, but they are too sad to post. I'm not ready to remember in photo form yet:).

One milestone down - my baby's first very sad shots. Now, if we can get through the night without me crying, too...

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Jackson is 2 months old!!

I can't believe it, but our precious boy is 2 months old already! I swear, he is the sweetest little boy, and we just can't get over how much we love him. Our most favorite times with him are after his bottles, especially in the morning. He now spends up to an hour cooing and babbling and smiling big smiles. He looks right into my eyes and smiles and his whole face lights up. I almost always have tears, my love for him is that deep. Jackson and I enjoy our reading time together almost every day. I pick out a couple of books, and he just stares at my face as I read to him. Honestly, those moments are a dream come true for me. Jackson loves to eat, and has just increased his formula intake to 4 ounces at a time, as of two days ago. He goes about 4 hours between feedings, except after his first feeding of the night - he can last between 6-8 hours if he is sleeping well. He still gets up once during the night to eat, at about 4 or 5am. Of course, he stirs long before that, and it requires me to keep reaching into his bassinet to put his pacifier back in his mouth in order to keep him asleep. He has gotten very good at falling asleep on his own once I put him in his bassinet at night. During the day, he still requires a great deal of holding and cuddling in order to go to and stay asleep. I know one day he will no longer want to cuddle with his mommy, so I am trying to enjoy these moments (instead of worrying about all the things I am not getting done!). Jackson loves to watch ceiling fans and lights and has his favorites around our house. We call one lamp in our living room "Jackson's light" because he loves it so much and can stare at it for a very long time! The main thing I am learning is that just when I think I have the routine down and can do this mommy thing, he changes. He had one week about a week ago in which he was going 5-6 hours between feedings, sleeping 8-10 hours at night, and sleeping peacefully during the day for about 2-3 hours at a time while not being held. I thought, "Wow, I feel like a normal person again! I can do this!" That lasted a week. Lol! But, I know, I can still do this. I would do anything for Jackson. So, we keep on keepin' on and enjoy every second we are blessed with this little boy. Ok, now for pictures. I could not pick just one, as he was just so cute smiling and giggling through our little photo shoot, so forgive me for including so many:). I swear he is the cutest baby ever...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Babies

I don't have time to write anything substantial. Just time enough to say that life is hectic, Jackson is perfect (almost 2 months old, at which point you'll get all the updates:)), and baby girl seems to be doing well! Now, for the pictures:

And here is my 22 week belly pic...not too impressive, but definitely requiring maternity clothes now:)...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

We are having a...

...GIRL! Or so it seems. After Jackson's surprise arrival as a boy, I have a feeling we will be slightly skeptical until baby girl shows herself to the world:). The doctor got two good looks, though, and said she is pretty sure (as sure as a doctor can be with girls) and rarely changes her mind. She also said she has only been wrong once in 10 years - not bad! She said our baby was perfect, and very cooperative. I can't believe it. Jackson is going to have a little sister and our family will be more complete than we ever could have imagined or hoped for.

We started our 2010 with hearts full of grief, clinging desperately to the hope in our adoption plan to keep us going. When I turned 30 in March, I wrote this post. I was trying, somewhat successfully, to believe that year 30 would be my year of blessings. When I turn 31, if all goes as planned, it will be a very different post, and I will be a very different person. I already am. I went on to write this post in April. I spoke of the mythical nature of a healthy pregnancy in my world...I believe unicorns were referenced as a comparison:). I still fight that view, I still fight the worry and anxiety every day. I still struggle every day to believe this baby, this daughter of ours, will arrive safely come February. But Jackson has changed me. He helps me to believe. I have him, and that is absolute proof that miracles happen, that I can be happy, and that my life is perfect - if not a product of my own planning. His presence has allowed me to embrace this pregnancy and to have faith. I am so thankful for him, for so many thousands of reasons.

As I sit here, Jackson is sleeping on my chest, all warm and cuddly. And on top of that joy, I am currently feeling baby girl moving around in there, announcing her presence as she does multiple times a day. Can you believe how things can change in less than a year? I am in awe.