Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Visiting Preschools

I hope to put Jackson into preschool next fall for a couple of mornings a week (and Addison the year after).  So, I decided it was time to visit the few preschools I am considering to get an idea of where I want him to be.  I am a planner of course:).  I visited the one at the top of my list first this week.  I was told that the preschool rented space from St. Andrews church, so I put it into my GPS and we headed over there.  Then I pulled up...and realized that St. Andrews church is where we had our adoption classes almost three years ago.

It's hard to describe how different my life is now.  I almost couldn't even remember what I felt like sitting in those classes.  That intense level of anxiety and sadness is now foreign to me.  I am a completely different person.  I pulled up, hauling two toddlers, in jeans, messy hair, and two strollers in the back of my SUV.  Yep, that's me now!  I could not be happier.

I can't believe that I didn't know Jackson as I sat in those classes.  I knew implicitly that those classes were my path to motherhood.  I just knew it.  I had more hope sitting in those classes than I had had in years.  But I didn't know my baby boy!  How is that possible?  I can't imagine a life without him in it...what was my heart doing before Jackson and Addison took it over?  I really don't know.   Like I said, I'm a different person now.

I could not have imagined a more perfect little boy.  I tried to imagine, sitting in those folding chairs, listening to the social worker talk and shivering because the room was freezing, what our story would look like.  I imagined so many scenarios, different kinds of birth parents at different stages of their pregnancies, frantic calls to the hospital, building a connection with a birth mom over months, etc.   I even imagined that I would surprisingly get pregnant and maybe leave the adoption process.  I was just hoping for a baby.  I never considered the story that came to be - two babies in six months.  Two perfect, healthy babies.  My babies.

I love when life throws things into the mix to cue your memory, to remind you of where you came from.  I have learned so much, and I know I am a better person because I walked the path I did.  I have to share with you the joy and wonder that Jackson brings to my life, in picture form:

Monday, November 5, 2012

Halloween...and more...

We had a wonderful Halloween.  The holidays are becoming so joyful with these two precious beings around.  It is incredible to experience all of these special occasions through their eyes.  I know it is cliche to say, but what an honor it is to be a parent.  I get to watch these little miracles grow into full grown people!  I have to be honest, I sometimes worry about the coming years - I can't imagine enjoying them any more than I do now.  To be honest, most school age kids kind of annoy me, lol!  I assume mine won't be as annoying...but will it be as fun?  I don't know, they are just so amazing right now!  

At the pumpkin patch, refusing to pose as usual:).

This one is always up for a "cheese!" moment:).

Her skull skirt - she wore it last year for Halloween and it still fits this year!

My little monster.

Handsome Diego (try to ignore the Halloween explosion that is my living room in this picture:)).

Yup, even mommy dressed up.  Sadly, this is as close as we could get to a posed picture of the three of us.   *sigh*

Seriously, how cute is he?

She is soooo serious!

Love the light in this one...

And this one.

Rory got in on the fun.  Addy is in the background whining - a common occurrence these days.

I should end this by saying it is NOT always easy and beautiful and lovey-dovey in my house, lol!  I always struggle with people who only write about how wonderful life is as a mom...because I don't know if that's real.  The days are HARD with these two.  I have found myself doing things I said I'd never do (you might notice Jackson was a TV character for Halloween and I always swore my kids would not watch TV until age 3...but then he turned two and he loved it so....).   I am working hard to take deep breaths and when I get overwhelmed, to slow down and soak them in.  I even left work a couple of hours early today, just because I could and because I am sick of working so much and being away from them more than I want to be.   I have been overtaken lately with anticipatory grief.  Pretty soon, they won't be toddlers anymore.  My chest aches and my eyes well with tears just thinking about it.  I'm not going to waste away these hours, days and weeks being sad that they are flying by.  Instead, I am being very deliberate about spending time enjoying Jax and Addy.  When Jackson says, "mommy, sit!" and pats the couch next to him, you better believe I sit.  When Addy hands me a book and says "read," I read to her.  I rock longer before bed with each of them, I sit and play on the floor with them, I do art projects with them and I let them help me clean the windows.  I don't want to waste one second.  So...yes, it is hard, some days are downright painful.  I've decided that that's just motherhood.  But, that said, I've also employed some strategies when I notice myself feeling over-the-edge anxious, and I do believe they are working - self care (I finally started my weekly yoga class again!), slowing down the pace of our days, and making the time to just BE with them have all helped.   Any other mommy tricks out there?