All About My Sweet Boy

I'm not doing monthly updates now that Jackson is one year old, but it doesn't mean I don't want to brag about him as often as possible:). This little boy lights up our life in every way. He is so happy! He loves his drumsticks and looks for them first thing in the morning and is generally walking around with one or both of them throughout the day. He loves walking around, so whenever we go somewhere new, he likes to be put down and explore! He has gotten more comfortable in new places and is less anxious when we put him down, so he really can enjoy all our outings now! We take him (and Addy) to the park, the mall, Target and even to a farm!

Jackson has begun dancing now to any music he hears. And it is seriously the cutest thing EVER! If I knew how to post videos, I would post one - but I don't, lol! Suffice it to say, it is the funniest thing you have ever seen. Even when he is in his high chair, he rocks back and forth to the music. I can't help but laugh every time. And speaking of laughing, Jackson has quite the sense of humor. He knows when he has made us laugh and he loves to repeat whatever it is he did to get a reaction out of us. So sweet. He also waves now and says "hi" and likes to greet people in stores.

I have started giving the babies baths together all on my own. It is a little hectic, but it goes pretty well! Jackson is quite the bully with his little sister. He likes to take toys right out of her hands, and he likes to hit her with his toys. Yikes. He's a rough and tough little boy. That is until we go to the pediatrician's office. Our poor little guy has had a very persistent diaper rash that turned into a yeast infection then back to a rash. The minute we walk into to the examination room, Jackson falls apart. The nurse just being in the room sends him into a panic. Every time. No matter what. It's so sad. He HATES being examined. He really doesn't like strangers in his personal space. He's been this way since about his 6 month well baby visit.

Jackson has become quite attached to the monkey lovey he is holding in this picture. We have had to shut his bedroom door when he's awake now because he will find his way down the hallway and to his crib and pull his monkey out. He'll then walk around sucking his thumb and cuddling his monkey. It is beyond adorable. But we want that to be a bedtime thing - the thumb AND the monkey:).

Well, I could go on for days about this little man. But I'm sure many of you checked out about 3 paragraphs ago:). Let's just say that Jackson makes our world a million times happier. We love everything about him. He's an emotional little guy and requires a great deal of TLC, but we wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed.

Addison is 7 months old!!!

Oh wow, here we go again! Another month down. Our sweet Addison is already 7 months old (a few days ago!). The pictures this month turned out AMAZING. Addison has finally let go of her "beef" with the camera flash and actually smiles for pictures. I love it!! This was a big month for our precious girl developmentally. She is now a stable sitter. She sits up and plays with toys on the floor and moved to her bath chair in the bath tub too! She also went to Target and sat in the cart like a big girl! She normally did shopping trips in a baby carrier on my chest, but not anymore! She can move with ease between sitting and crawling and back. And that's another big step for her - she now crawls on her hands and knees, instead of the army crawling she had been doing. She looks so cute crawling around with her little butt sticking out:). And, lastly, Addison started pulling herself up to stand recently. This was an incredible shock to me...since Jax didn't do this for another couple of months. But pull up she did. And now she is constantly doing it on EVERYthing, including us. I was in the kitchen working with something on the counter and she pulled herself up on my legs and was standing there and sticking her head between my legs looking up at me - so sweet! I am amazed at what a different baby she has become this month. She is doing so much more now!

However, in the eating department, we seem to be stuck. Addison continues to refuse baby food half the time. We are lucky if she eats 1-2 Stage 1 jars a day. We attempt to feed her baby food 3 times a day. She often snaps her mouth shut and stares at us as if to say, "Do you REALLY think I'm going to eat that?!" We know she likes it because sometimes she'll eat an entire jar in one sitting. The only thing we know she hates is the meats - she gags the minute we put those in her mouth. I don't blame her, that stuff looks and smells nasty! I try to sneak cereal into her fruits and veggies because she also refuses to eat that, and I know she needs the vitamins. She is nursing about 4 times a day and 2 times a night and seems to be getting enough to eat. I guess we're just going to have to take it slow in the food department. I'm wary to even move her to Stage 2 foods because she may not make it through a whole jar before I have to throw it away. Oh well.

And as for sleep, Addison is doing ok. Overall, I'd say we're pretty lucky. She now goes to bed around 8pm and wakes up between 7 and 8am usually. BUT, there are also 2 feeding times in the middle there. She has been getting up around 11pm or so and then again around 5am. It's not fun. But, I often remind myself that at least I know she is ok when she wakes up and it is special quiet time that she and I spend together when she nurses in the middle of the night. I know one day, she won't cuddle much at all with me. Jackson already just goes to bed and sleeps through the night, and I often miss him and wish I could go in there and snuggle with him. So, I am trying to be patient and just enjoy those mid-night feedings, even though I am so tired I can barely hold my body up! And then Addison takes 2 naps a day, usually around the same times Jackson does thank goodness. They are usually around 11am and 3pm and last anywhere from 1.5 - 3 hours. Not too bad at all!

I look at Addison sometimes during the day and tears spring to my eyes because I honestly cannot believe I have her. There were so many nights I cried for hours because I didn't know if I'd ever be able to stay pregnant, to have a baby. And then we lost two babies. And then she surprised us at a very inconvenient time, lol! And then the HCG levels didn't rise, and I thought I was losing her. And now here she is, 7 months old, GORGEOUS and perfect in every way. I actually just squeeze her and smell her and remind myself that she IS real. I feel like the luckiest woman in the entire world every day. Happy 7 months, sweet girl. I love you so, so much - more than you'll ever know.

A Tall Bucket of Crazy

I think it's time to introduce you to the neurotic side of me. Or what my husband so lovingly calls my "bucket of crazy." I don't often go into all sides of my emotional life here (does anyone?), but something has shifted in me since being a mom. And writing has always been cathartic for me. And maybe someone out there will tell me they feel the same way and I won't feel so darned crazy.

I have found myself worrying about something bad happening to me, my babies, or my family a lot lately. I am the happiest I have ever been. I finally feel like everything is in balance in my life. Like all the work I put into college, graduate school, my career and, finally and most importantly, my family has paid off. This is where I always wanted to be. And now that I'm here, I am terrified that something is going to take this peace away from me.

This most likely comes from hearing a lot of sad stories lately. Sweet Ruby Jane, a 7 month old baby girl, passed away due to a bad liver. They found out she was sick when she was about 5 months old and couldn't find a suitable donor in time. I now follow her mommy's blog and literally ache with grief for her. A 3 month old baby boy, Gabriel, was killed by a drunk driver who crossed a barrier and smashed into the car he was in. An online friend of mine rushed into the wreckage to try and save him. But he was already gone. Too soon. And, just today, another blogger posted about a mommy who lost her 4 month old baby girl, Maddie, to SIDS earlier this year. All of these stories hurt me to the core. Maybe it's because my babies are close to these ages, I don't know. My absolute need to protect them is so intense that the thought of anything happening to them sends me into a panic. And if something happened to me...well, no baby should have to live without his/her momma. And I don't want that for them. I know these stories are rare. I know I should just enjoy this bliss that is mommyhood. And I usually do. But, periodically, throughout the day, I look at them and tears spring to my eyes as I remember those 3 babies and think about how I would survive such a loss. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I love Jackson and Addison so very much. I love my husband. I just love my family. Is it weird that I have a hard time believing that this place of happiness can exist indefinitely? Maybe because I've never been in this place before? No matter the reason, I gotta work on this. Believe me, I don't let this "crazy" dominate my life. It's just like this dull worrying in the back of my mind. And I don't want it there. But maybe this is what people mean when they say you will always worry about your children?

So, there you go, your journey into my conflicted emotional world:). I always appreciate your support, so thank you for allowing me this safe place to write this out.