Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It Hurts

Yes, I am still here.  As I've said before, I'm still figuring out exactly what to post here, and what to save for the family blog I have.  It's too hard to keep both places updated on everything all the time!  So, I have been updating the other blog with all the fun and exciting things Jackson and Addison are doing.  I certainly COULD update here, if there is interest - but, alas, my comments have decreased significantly and I'm not so sure anyone really cares:)!

That said, what I DO want to post about is my incredible disappointment that Jackson's birthparents (T and A) have all but disappeared.  I am feeling so, so sad.  Not for me, but for my sweet boy.  T and A are no longer together, in fact A has separated himself so that T can't even find him.  And it seems he is doing the same to us, although I am unclear why.  The last time we saw him, in January, we met up at the Children's Museum and had a blast.  He texted after we left to say what a great time he had.  And that was the last we heard from him.  It was a couple of weeks before A was released from prison.  I am pretty sure we (or, more accurately, Jackson) are the only connection he has to T and maybe he just doesn't want that.  But what about Jackson?  What about what he needs?  With T, I am pretty sure it is more about her getting her life back together and being busy....and trying to move on from that part of her life.  She does still pop up here and there, commenting on a picture on facebook or sending a Mother's Day card, although I can't get her to commit to a time to visit (she lives about 3 hours away).

My sadness is not from my own selfish need to be close to them, although that IS there.  I consider them family, and being close to them means I can show them how much I appreciate all they have done for Jackson and for our family through how happy Jackson is.  Yes, selfish...but honest.  But I could get past that.  My heart is full in so many ways.  But, what about Jackson?  I honestly don't believe his life could be complete without them in it.  I'm not an adoptee, so I can't be sure.  All I can do is try to put myself in my son's shoes.  And when I do that, I can't get past the fact that T and A are his first parents.  He has T's eyes and A's smile.  He is a fiercely independent child, which I suspect he gets from both of them.  I imagine he has many, many other traits that could be traced back to them - but without them here to teach us, how will we know?  And how will HE know?

I feel them slipping away, and I don't know what to do.  Our social worker said all we can do is remind them that they are important to Jackson and keep the door open.  That's all I can do?  This is my son's heart I am trying to protect here!  I think I am coming to one of the hard parts of adoption that I never thought about - my sweet boy's well-being does not JUST lie in our hands.  We need his birthparents to be on board to.  He needs them.  There are things we just can never do for him, stories we can't tell, questions we can't answer.  I was ok with that...until I realized that all this means that I can't be his world.  I mean, I knew that logically.  But now I feel it.  Now I am experiencing it.  A young child's world is his parents.  I believe that an adopted child's world includes all of his parents, in one way or another.  At an early age, his world may fail him.  And there is, quite literally, nothing I can do to protect him from that.

I will admit, I went into adoption starry-eyed.  We would have a beautiful relationship with birthparents simply because we wanted it and what birthparents wouldn't want to know us, too?  We would have a child who was happy and secure in all of these complicated relationships.  I've read lots of books on adoption, so why couldn't this be the case?  What was I thinking?!  If I had to guess, I would say this is the first of many obstacles we are going to face as adoptive parents.  This is just the beginning.  It hurts.  It hurts because I can see the potential hurt for my sweet Jackson.  And I don't want him to hurt - ever.

There is a lesson here...in trust.  I need to trust T and A, and their love for Jackson.  When he needs them, I need to trust that they will be there.  I need to trust in myself and in Jason - that we can be strong and be what Jackson needs when his heart does hurt.  I need to trust Jackson.  He is his own person, with many strengths and unique vulnerabilities.  I need to trust our relationship with him.  If love is enough, then we are ok.  There is an insane amount of love in this house.  We can do this.  We can do this.

12 comments:

  1. Oh faith!!! I'm so soo sorry to hear this. Incredibly heartbreaking. We have this situation on the bf side and actually just had a February visit with the same thing. Great and absolutely no response since then. It's so difficult to try to understand why they would want to just let the most Important relationship in the world just slip away. Praying for you and them.

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  2. I understand your heart. Praying for peace in this and that your little boy's heart will get just what he needs. I's birth father is not in the picture. My prayer is that that is okay with my boy. Or that something changes.

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  3. You can do this :) Hugs to you! I can only imagine all the emotions flying around this. Poor Jax.

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  4. Faith, I think you have done an amazing job and Jackson will be thankful for that no matter what role the birth parents decide they want in the future. The people I know who are adopted either never had anything to do with their birth parents or have chosen to discontinue contact for one reason or another. They all seem to be at peace with that. I know it's hard, but he has two AMAZING parents. Many kids aren't even that lucky!

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  5. Faith, I don't have a lot of time cause I have to rush off to work. I love that you care so much about this and see all sides of adoption and all that. I can't answer for your son's birth parents cause I am not in their shoes from an open adoption. It must bring joys and deep sadness. I hope in time that they will see how important they are to Jackson and how much you want them in their life. They could live with the constant fear of the openness being shut in their face so easier to walk away. I know at times when I haven't been secure in my relationship with my daughter I have felt like walking away cause I was hurting so bad. I just couldn't do it. I would rather sit around and wait for a bone to be thrown to me than walk out of her life.

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  6. Oh I am so sorry. That must hard for you. You are doing the best you cna and that is all Jackson can ask of you.

    I love your blog, I don't know if it is ok or not, but I would love to follow your family blog if you send me the link! I didn't realize you had one!

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  7. I'm so sorry...I can sort of relate but it's different with me because my kids' parent is my sister. I haven't been reading here long but I'm assuming it's an open adoption? It's hard when you can't make them get a grip and see what they're doing to their child. My sister is very heavy into drugs and sees her kids once every month or two. I want her to see them, but at the same time, I am scared because I don't want them to see her like that, you know? I know what it's like to pray and long for their parent(s) to wake up and get a clue before they hurt them. Big hugs!!

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  8. Hi

    So the kitchen is my friend's, the one who watches Avery on Tues/Thurs. So I am not sure!

    Yes, I would love to follow your other blog! My email is kkasun@jandlamrketing.com!

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  9. I am sorry they are acting this way but the loss is more their's than Jackson's. He has you and you are his primary needs. That is so sad though. Btw, I did not know you had another blog. I would love to follow the antics of your little ones.

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  10. Do you think A hasn't been in contact since T was released because he might run into her if he is in contact with Jax and his family? He may not want any connection with her so has stayed away. I don't think either of them are very mature and are thinking of themselves and other relationships now rather than being part of Jackson's family. It is very hard for me to believe they wouldn't want to be part of this AMAZING child's life. I love him so much tears come to my eyes every time I see pictures of him or hear about all of things he is saying and doing. I am SO happy to have him in my life and LOVE him with ALL my heart!!

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  11. Oh, I'm so sorry! There are so many unknowns with adoption. Since ours is closed, we will never have the option of providing C with information about her other set of parents, much less an actual relationship. I never felt the actual hurt you are now experiencing because this is just the way it's always been, but I will likely face her feeling hurt in the future at times. But who knows exactly what will happen.. we don't know how they're individual personalities will process all the issues surrounding adoption. I've known adults who struggle with it and others who are fine, and I think a lot of it has to do with their personalities. Either way though, they have suffered a loss. And I know you will be there for J if he struggles with that, and will be the best supportive mama for him.

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  12. I read the whole post without really getting it until you mentioned how you cant stand for jackson to be hurt. All you can do is what you have done. I wish I had something more constructive to say. xx

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