Gosh, it has been SO long since I've written. I want to, I love to write...but to find the time and energy seems impossible. I have never been so overwhelmed and "under water" than I have been lately. But...enough about that! Our baby boy is 3! I still remember the posts I wrote (and the wonderful comments from you all) when Jackson was born....and when the papers were signed....and when I got to meet him for the first time. In some ways it seems like it happened just last week, in other ways it seems as though I have lived a lifetime.
This boy brings out the best of me, and the worst of me! He is 3, and he knows exactly how to push my buttons! But look at that smile - what a sweet boy he is! Everyone adores him and he makes friends wherever he goes!
Jackson started preschool 2 weeks ago. It is still surreal to me. He goes 2 mornings a week, and there have been some tears (his and mine), but I suppose this is all part of growing up and moving forward...for both of us. He and I are struggling with new roles - sometimes he wants to be a baby still while I just want him to leave me alone and be independent, and then sometimes he just wants to assert his individuality while I just want him to be my baby again. This parenting thing is tough. And I'm not sure I'm doing a good job most days. We both keep trying, though. And we love each other more than anything in this world, that is one thing I DO know for sure. Since going to preschool, Jackson has become so much more affectionate. He runs to me and holds me tight when I show up to pick him up. He randomly kisses me and tells me he loves me. He has begun to want to snuggle on the couch more. He is still my baby. He always will be.
Little Miss Addison knows that she can go to preschool when she is 3. Sometimes she wants to stay with him, most times she likes that she gets to go with mommy. She is doing really well with the separation and I am always amazed by her courage, strength and tenacity. She also presents some challenges - pushing to be a "big girl" and independent, then falling apart crying and whining for long periods of time. It is exhausting to try and keep up with her!
These 2 love each other so much. They know they are "sister and brother" and they always want to know where the other one is. They are as bonded as any sibling pair I have ever met. I love to watch them when they are playing (calmly!) and talking to each other. They say the cutest things when it's just the 2 of them:).
Jackson truly is my sunshine. I feel so blessed to have him as my son. I am still in touch with his birth mom and it just feels good to know that I have her "blessing" to be Jackson's mom. She has stepped back and supports me in my role. She loves us, but she has her own path now. When I package up some of Jackson's art projects to send her, I am in awe that I am the one who gets to see ALL of his art projects - every single scribble, paint stroke and hand print. He is the greatest gift.
I'm going to be really really honest (because I don't write enough so I don't know if I'll get the chance to write again), this is HARD. Having 2 this close in age is pushing us to every single limit we have in this family. I continue to not be the mom I hoped I would be. I keep trying, I keep growing, and I keep loving. I adore my family, I really do. If you are still around, reading, I want to say thank you. This blog is so outdated...but for good reasons! I started out writing because I needed to put all my unused "mothering" energy towards something. Now all that energy and ten times more is being expended in just one hour of my long days! There is no energy left over for writing unfortunately. There will be again someday, I just know it. Until then, I will check in when I can. I have so appreciated your support and love throughout these past 4 years since I started this blog. Thank you!
