Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Remembering Our Angel

This time of year inevitably reminds me of our angel, our second baby to find her way to Heaven. We were very surprised and excited to find out in November 2009 that we were pregnant again, finally! I can still remember the moment I told Jason about that positive test - what joy we experienced together. We had worked so hard for this baby. We had ultrasounds every week and it was so amazing to see that heartbeat, that little body growing with each week. Our RE released me to the OB after my 8.5 week ultrasound with the promise that our baby and my pregnancy looked "perfect." I saw the OB at 9 weeks and 4 days, and heard the words that made my heart stop each time I had to hear them - "There's your baby..." and she paused...and I knew. And I asked what was wrong, and she told me she couldn't find the heartbeat. That was December 18, 2009. On December 23rd, I went in for surgery, hoping to get the baby soon enough to test the tissue. We needed answers.

The short story is we did not get answers, they did not get enough tissue. They told us the tissue was from a "healthy female," but they thought it was just my tissue. So, with only that to go on, I think of this angel as my baby girl.

Needless to say, Christmas came and went without celebration in our home last year. All I can remember is lying on the couch, wishing life had been different for us. I cried and cried and cried. I broke down in the shower, in bed at night, in all those quiet moments that leave too much space for the grief - the sadness just overwhelmed me.

Now, a year later, our life has been blessed beyond words. I will never understand why we had to walk this painful path to get to our miracles. Some people just have to. I will never say I am thankful for our losses, as we will always miss those babies, and our hearts will forever have cracks and bruises in the wake of their losses. What I can say is that I see how all of the pain led us to where we are today, where we were meant to be. And we appreciate it more than I am guessing most people can, because we suffered, and we prevailed.

This Christmas I will remember my angels, as I always do. But I will spend more time enjoying our miracles, our son and our daughter, who is mere weeks from her big arrival. A year seems like forever when your heart is broken and dripping with grief. But a year is all it takes for miracles to happen and for life to make sense again.

Rest in peace, sweet angel. We won't ever forget your brief time in our lives - you brought us such immense joy in those few weeks, and that is what we will remember about your life. You were, and always will be, our angel baby.


  1. I'm so glad this Christmas will be a happy one in your house! So many blessings to celebrate! How much can change in a year! I wish the suffering didn't have to happen, but for me it makes me SO very grateful for what I now have. I know you feel the same! I can't wait to meet baby girl!

  2. What a beautiful post. It does give me hope that next year may be different for us too!
    Merry Christmas!

  3. What a heart-rending experience. Your reflection is so eloquent.

    No amount of blessings will ever take the pain and sadness completely away--loss is such a life changing experience. I know that I'm not the same person I was two years ago. And while getting to this place was a terrible ordeal at times, I somehow can't completely regret it. Humans have such an amazing capacity for healing and love--it just astounds me!

    I'm thinking of your family and your angel baby girl today and wishing you all the happiness in the world this Christmas.