Missing

I am in a weird nostalgic place lately. My babies are still babies, but oh how I miss the newborn stage! This is something I rarely talk about, but there were things about their homecomings that I wish were different. When Jackson came home, I was 14 weeks pregnant and exhausted. I couldn't fully enjoy him OR my pregnancy. When Addy came home, I was already deep into my role as a mother of a 6 month old. The anxiety I had about my ability to care for them both was excruciating. I had a hard time soaking in the wonderfulness of either of my newborns. As I sift through their long outgrown clothes and look through old pictures, I can't help but ache inside. I don't necessarily want another baby (right now), but I would give my left arm to be able to go back and do it all over again with them. Honestly, I did not love the newborn phase. I despised it if I'm being really real with you. I always loved other people's newborns, but having my own was harder than I ever imagined it could be. I found myself saying, "I love newborns when they are someone else's!" Turns out, I don't do sleep deprivation, lack of predictability, lack of any kind of schedule, non-stop walking/bouncing, endless baby vomit, and lots and lots of crying very well. I REALLY don't do it well when I have the pressure of 2 babies to worry about. Who knows if I would have done it more gracefully if I'd had them further apart.

I am putting together their memory boxes and I hold up their little coming home outfits and cannot even imagine them that little - and they swam in those outfits. I want just a day or two again with them when they were that little, knowing what I know now. Knowing that it WILL get easier, that I WILL breathe again, that I WILL adjust to the lack of sleep somehow. If I could have known that then, I might have been able to enjoy it more. At the time, it felt like I might never emerge from sheer physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. Yet, here I am. I am tired, but not too tired to enjoy every second of my days with my babies. I even enjoy cuddling Addison usually during her middle-of-the-night feedings. I have come a long way. We have come a long way. My heart literally ached when I held up Addison's coming home outfit tonight. That phase that I felt might actually kill me was really just as long as the the blink of an eye. And now I want just a few more hours to smell her and cradle her without her squirming to crawl away:).

Every phase is such a joy. They do more funny, adorable and amazing things as they grow. But there is nothing like the innocence of a newborn baby. And some days, I just wish I could have enjoyed each of them more during those times. Please don't hear me complaining. I am blessed. Beyond blessed. But until you've had 2 babies, 6 months apart, it's hard to explain how exhausting it is, and how hard it can be to enjoy those blessings when you can't even think straight. So, I'm just remembering tonight and missing my itty bitty newborn babies.

This is Jackson in his pink sleeper - this was taken by the social worker when she picked him up from the hospital:). I hadn't even met my sweet boy yet!

Cuddling with this daddy.

After his first bath. How precious is he?!

Addison in the hospital. Oh my, she is perfect.

Getting ready to head home. I still can't believe she swam in that sleeper - it was so small!