So Many Memories

I am in a space of figuring out the purpose of this blog. When we were immersed in infertility and loss, it made sense. And when the babies came, and they were changing with every week, it seemed updates were appropriate. But I feel like we've entered a new stage, and I'm not yet sure what that means for this blog. If you have ideas, be sure to let me know in the comments.

I've been in a reminiscent phase lately. I'm not sure why. Maybe because my sweet babies are no longer babies, but walking, talking toddlers. We have begun a new era in our family. And while I know I am ready, the memories just flood me sometimes.

I was driving to Phoenix yesterday, a long drive that takes me past Tucson and north to Phoenix. Our adoption agency is in Tucson and Jackson's bmom used to reside in a prison near Phoenix. So there are many memories along that stretch of road. As I began the trip, I was wary and did not want to make it. I was tired and not sure I was up for the drive. I was also anxious for the exam that awaited me in Phoenix. Those familiar feelings brought me back to the long drive we took up to meet Jackson's birthparents for the very first time, when Jackson's birthmom had about 2 months left of her pregnancy. I was so sick (very early in my pregnancy) and so tired. And the anxiety was indescribable. I remember meeting A (birthfather) and our social worker in Tucson to take the last leg of the trip up. I remember wondering what he thought of us, if he'd deem us good enough to be his child's parents. And then we met T (birthmother) and her ambivalence and uncertainty only strengthened our intense fear and anxiety. What a trip that was. When I remember it, my body still tenses. The memory is that powerful and real for me.

Then I passed through Tucson and remembered a fateful meeting with our social worker when I had to tell her I was pregnant and just pray that she would understand and still support us in this adoption. I had just left my 10 week ultrasound telling me that Addison was still growing and thriving. It was time to share the news. I was armed with only my exceptional begging skills and a good friend along with me. I thought I might throw up. Everything was riding on this conversation it seemed. I could still lose the pregnancy, and I just couldn't lose this baby too. To my surprise, she wasn't angry or upset or disappointed. And of course she would tell A and T and let me know as soon as she heard back. You know the ending to the story. They affirmed that they still thought we were the best choice for their baby, after asking us if we were sure we could handle it (oh, if we had only known, lol!). Our love for them deepened.

I had another somewhat familiar sensation as I took this trip to Phoenix...my breasts were in excruciating pain! We are in the process of sleep training Addison, so I am no longer nursing her in the middle of the night. My body has not caught up yet. So, ouch! I was immediately thrown back to so many car rides throughout my three pregnancies. All those hours to obsess. And the only symptom I seemed to care about? Yep, sore boobs. I poked and prodded them constantly to make sure they were still sore - for the only sign I thought I had that I was still pregnant. As I tolerated this current pain, I pondered my past pain.

Some days, life just hits me. When I see where I came from, and where I am today...I am in literal awe. I am so sentimental these days. I wish I could go back and have all these moments again, savor each one...even the hard ones. Because they all brought me to this moment - with my 2 babies safely tucked into their cribs for the night. If I could have known then the peace I would have now, I wonder how differently I would have done things? I guess it doesn't matter. This is all that matters...