Friday, March 30, 2012

My Biggest Fear

I've written about this before, and I fear my "bucket of crazy" is getting worse, not better. Anyone watch Private Practice? Well I finally caught up with the last episode. Mason is losing his mom to cancer. They had to say goodbye. And I just couldn't handle watching this sweet boy and his mom say "I love you" for the very last time. I no longer can hear stories of children losing their moms, or moms losing their children. I mean, they were always difficult for me, but now they literally shake me to my core.

I worry every day that something is going to happen to take me away from my babies, or them from me. I cannot be separated from them, I just can't. It is an awe-inspiring feeling to know you are needed and loved above anyone else in the world by two very little people. There is also a lot of pressure there! I had never thought about and perseverated on the concept of my own death until I became a mom. When I take a long drive, I think about what would happen if I got into an accident. How would they be ok without me? Can a child really survive the loss of his/her mom? It seems unthinkable.

Yet, I think about it. Perhaps our recent purchase of life insurance and my current research into lawyers to write a will is fueling some of these fears and anxieties? As a mom, I have to make sure my precious children are taken care of if I am not here. But, that is just money, things, substitute caregivers. Can anyone take care of them like I can? Absolutely not. I find myself bargaining (with whom, I am not sure), "please just let me make it until they can remember me if I was gone." And then I think...but really I want to be here to see them raise their children. I NEED to be here, with them, always.

As I write this, I am thinking of ways I can protect myself against this immense fear. Maybe I should eat better, exercise more, I don't know...isn't there something I could do? I just need to be here. That is it. Every night I go to bed and thank God I am still here, still healthy and still able to care for them. And then I thank God that they are still here, still healthy and perfect in every single way. Not a day goes by that I don't take note of my blessings. And then my fears creep in - I worry about what hardships are ahead. Will I be able to handle them? Will they? I know things can't be this good forever. I want so badly to not spend this blessed time worrying about what might come later.

I'd say I do a pretty good job of not letting my immense fear overtake me. When I watch a show with this theme in it, though, it kind of takes over. Anyone else have these worries? Is this a normal mommy thing that no one ever talks about? Or I am really just crazy?


  1. Yes! Me! I feel like I could have written this. I too never thought about it until kids but it consumes my thoughts now more than I care to admit. It's scary to think about :/.

  2. I wish so much that I had sky-dived before having my little ones because now I just can't take a risk like that! I totally get it. :)

  3. Oh nooo you are not crazy! Just in the 23 days of my sweet girl's life so far, I've thought about this every single day!!! My heart breaks over the thought of not being around to take care of her or watch her grow up. The thoughts are actually a bit consuming and I have even cried about! I just pray to God every night that he keeps me around for a very long time. I can't imagine not being with my baby always...

  4. I am 100% with you on this one. The simplest things now you think about. Like I refused to be out on St. Patty's Day because of the drunks. I do everything in my power to avoid either scenario occuring to me. The thought of it is just too much to bear!

  5. I am the same way. I worry more about how I could make it without her than how she would make it without me. Without me, at least she has a loving and engaged daddy. But I cannot even think of life without her. Seriously!! Just writing that is making me cry!! So you are not the only one with a bucket of crazy!

  6. You are not crazy, dear girl, you are a parent! And an excellent one! As you know, I've never had kids, but your thoughts and feelings are genuine and not to be dismissed. I feel the same way about my dog, which is most likely only a tiny fraction of what you feel. Making plans for the future, such as life insurance and wills bring all those thoughts to the forefront.

    Keep taking care of yourself, have faith in God and don't watch those kinds of things on TV or at the movies. :)

    Most of all, try not to let it stop you from enjoying your beautiful babies, your wonderful husband, loving family and all that life has to offer. You will have to force yourself in the beginning but with your faith and as life continues, you can do it.