I worry every day that something is going to happen to take me away from my babies, or them from me. I cannot be separated from them, I just can't. It is an awe-inspiring feeling to know you are needed and loved above anyone else in the world by two very little people. There is also a lot of pressure there! I had never thought about and perseverated on the concept of my own death until I became a mom. When I take a long drive, I think about what would happen if I got into an accident. How would they be ok without me? Can a child really survive the loss of his/her mom? It seems unthinkable.
Yet, I think about it. Perhaps our recent purchase of life insurance and my current research into lawyers to write a will is fueling some of these fears and anxieties? As a mom, I have to make sure my precious children are taken care of if I am not here. But, that is just money, things, substitute caregivers. Can anyone take care of them like I can? Absolutely not. I find myself bargaining (with whom, I am not sure), "please just let me make it until they can remember me if I was gone." And then I think...but really I want to be here to see them raise their children. I NEED to be here, with them, always.
As I write this, I am thinking of ways I can protect myself against this immense fear. Maybe I should eat better, exercise more, I don't know...isn't there something I could do? I just need to be here. That is it. Every night I go to bed and thank God I am still here, still healthy and still able to care for them. And then I thank God that they are still here, still healthy and perfect in every single way. Not a day goes by that I don't take note of my blessings. And then my fears creep in - I worry about what hardships are ahead. Will I be able to handle them? Will they? I know things can't be this good forever. I want so badly to not spend this blessed time worrying about what might come later.
I'd say I do a pretty good job of not letting my immense fear overtake me. When I watch a show with this theme in it, though, it kind of takes over. Anyone else have these worries? Is this a normal mommy thing that no one ever talks about? Or I am really just crazy?