In my dream, we reached the check point (or what I think must have been what my mind associated with the check point) and it had turned into a "fun" obstacle course to get through on our way to Benson. Apparently it was a fun attraction for most, something to look forward to on their way to Benson. We entered the first "obstacle" which included taking our children through some water maize. We both had to be there, there was no way we could make the trip if not. Each of us had to take a baby. I had so much trouble keeping Jackson's head above water. He kept dipping under and I kept panicking. We were swimming through this obstacle and I was terrified I would lose Jackson or not be able to keep him above the water. Then we got to the second obstacle. This one was like a ride where you sit in cars with lap belts (like on roller coasters) and they sprayed tons of water at you. I remember frantically dipping my body below the head of the "car" we were in and shielding a baby (not sure which one I had) with my body from the water. It was awful. I kept thinking, "This isn't fun at all!" What started out as a "simple" road trip that so many other people were taking easily became something straight out of my nightmares. We decided after that obstacle that it would take us way too long to get to our family in Benson. If just two obstacles were that difficult with two babies, there was no way we would get through the rest in a reasonable amount of time. We decided to turn around and go home.
That's all I remember. I woke up feeling defeated. And then I immediately associated that defeated feeling with how I feel at least once each and every day - when I try to go to the store, throw in a load of laundry, go to a thirty one party with kids in tow, cook a meal, go to the zoo, do an activity, make a phone call... Having two toddlers (or babies) is H-A-R-D! Normal every day events that other people take for granted seems like an obstacle course under water for our family. I read blogs and updates from people with one child and get pangs of jealousy - not that having even one baby is easy! But there is a simplicity there, going to the grocery store does not feel like a military operation for those families! To be sure, my jealousy is quickly replaced by reminders of how blessed I am - two beautiful faces I get to kiss all day long, two giggling toddlers that fill my life with joy. The overwhelmed feeling passes, for the moment.
This is not how I imagined having children would be. I had it all planned out. I would have one baby, enjoy every second for 2-3 years, then have another and do it all over again, enjoying every moment again, lol! I still fantasize about having one baby at a time, all the things I could do. But I don't have one baby. I have two. They are hard. Going anywhere is hard. Doing anything is hard. It really, really is. And that's ok. It's ok to feel overwhelmed...to feel "under water." That is motherhood. It may not be the motherhood I fantasized about, but it is the motherhood that is real, the motherhood I fought so hard for. And my children are amazing. They are healthy, feisty and perfect. I realize how blessed I am that they ARE so energetic and difficult at times - they are healthy and full of life and that is beautiful. So I allow myself the feelings of anxiety, pressure and frustration, because they are real. There is no point to fighting them. Then when I notice I am feeling under water, I step back and make a point to change my energy. I can make a choice to be caught up in being overwhelmed, or I can make a choice to re-arrange things, slow down, and make the pace of my life match my reality. I have two toddlers. I won't get to do as much as other parents...for now. And that's ok. There are worth it all.
|But look how full our laps become when we pull out a book:).|