I so wish I could go back and re-write my last post, after all that has happened since writing it. Thank you all for such kind comments, for being the support I needed. I always appreciate your thoughts. Wow, I actually have no words to describe the depth of my emotion around the recent school shooting. I know everyone is talking about it, and I couldn't say anything new even if I wanted to.
It's not that what I wrote is not true...it's just that it isn't the whole truth. It was just a snippet, a window into how I was feeling in that moment. If you looked into another window, you'd see that I have cried so many tears as I rocked my children before bed the last couple of nights. My love for them is so intense, so deep, that just thinking about sending them off to school and never seeing them again brought me to my breaking point. I have no connection to those families, and yet my chest aches, my stomach churns, for their grief.
Yes, I do get overwhelmed. Every parent does. Those parents did. What I keep learning is that I can focus on the hard, the being overwhelmed, the "dark" moments of parenting...or I can choose to put my energy into the good moments. It's the same with the grief I am feeling - I can feel myself going over the edge in some ways. If I spend too much time, too much precious energy, thinking of the "what ifs," I am brought to me knees with anxiety and fear. Losing my children is something that I literally cannot imagine, for if I do, I will not be able to move forward in my life. The vulnerability in that thought is intolerable. So, I allow the thoughts to float through my consciousness, then I make a very conscious choice to re-direct my focus to the blessings I have, and they are many. It's all I know how to do.
I am curious - how are you balancing your grief, fear and anxiety after such a tragedy?
When Panic Attacks
13 hours ago