So Much to Celebrate!!!

So, things in the bloggy world have been heating up!! A few of my favorite bloggers have become moms recently. E adopted her baby girl in May - and she is absolutely gorgeous! Rachel adopted her precious little girl 2 weekends ago. And, a story that warms my heart more than any knowing everything that this family has been through, Barbie brought home her daughter - FINALLY - last week! So much joy for so many deserving mommies!

Let's hope their good fortune rubs off on us:). Did you notice they all adopted baby girls? Maybe it's a sign that our baby girl will soon be home?! We'll see! We had an AWESOME phone conversation with the birthfather last Friday. He is so incredibly amazing. I know I've said that about the birthmom, too. They are just so cool, and SO much like us. We could never have asked for a more perfect match - we would never have thought it was even possible! The legal situation continues to drag on. We will know an answer by mid-August and we are just hoping and praying that baby girl holds on until all of us adults figure out what is going on. I'd hate to see her born early and placed in transitional care as we wait for the judge's decision. Please pray that the judge makes her decision quickly so that we can all plan for our futures, for baby girl's future.

We are continuing to wait. I really should have named my blog something about waiting - it seems it is all I talk about! All I can say is thank goodness for the bloggy world. When my life is full of anxiety and uncertainty, I am able to read and celebrate with so many wonderful other mommies! I am hoping to join them very soon! Until then, I will keep you all updated...

Numb

We got a letter from the birthmom again today. She is so sweet. She and I are so much alike, to the point that the birthdad read my letter and told her that we are the same person and she could have written it herself! I cracked up.

Anyway, she informed me that the appellate court has made a ruling as of July 15 and it is now in her original judge's hands. The judge has 30 days to make a final ruling....so a decision could be made as late as August 15, and baby girl is due August 23rd, and may come early. So, we may literally not know until right before, or right after, the baby is born. Hence, my numb feelings. There is a big part of me that SO very much wants her to get the decision she desires. She is an incredible person, and she deserves to parent her baby. There is another part of me that has already fallen in love with baby girl. Our family is already preparing for her. How can we help it? We have to start our bonding process, so that if she does come home to us, we have begun that for her. But, how do we protect our hearts?

I don't have any answers. I can't calm our family and ease their minds, I can't even calm mine! With so much opportunity for happiness, comes so much opportunity for loss. I will never understand why becoming parents has had to be so damn hard for us. Why does every baby that is dangled in front of us have to carry the expectation of pain to come? And then, the age old question that I have been asking myself for 3 years now....why us? Why me?

I really hope and pray I can get out of this funk. We were blessed to be chosen, and this could lead us to our baby girl. I need to stay in that place until I am given a reason to not be there anymore. I guess that's easier said than done.

Another Silent Due Date

It's always hard to think about what could have been. Important days, anniversaries, holidays come around, and my mind goes to how our life could have been different, if our children had lived.

Our second baby was due today. For most people, a due date means they better start preparing! A baby is coming! They can start thinking about how they will leave their jobs, decorate their nurseries, and make room in their lives for their new addition. For us, due dates become just another reminder of what was lost.

Today is no exception. I have always thought our second child was a girl. And, when I got the results from the tissue they took from my D&C, they told me they thought it might all be maternal tissue (instead of the fetal tissue they should have tested). But, they did say it was "normal female" tissue. It's all I have to go on, so I think of her as a girl.

Seven months ago, on December 18, we learned (for the second time) that our baby had died. We had seen her perfectly growing and healthy body on ultrasound three times. We were told our chances of loss were extremely low. Then, at 9.5 weeks, a routine ultrasound found a baby who measured perfectly to the day, but who had no heartbeat. She was there, and then she wasn't. Three days before Christmas, I went into surgery to have her removed from my body.

So much has happened since then, but we won't ever forget her. Most people have moved on. A couple of our friends were due around the same time....they now are at home, cuddling their newborn babies. I know that we grieve alone. This last loss rocked our world. We honestly started to think with this pregnancy that things really could finally go well for us. We have not made that mistake since. We go into every situation with caution, and with protected hearts. We can no longer go into pregnancy or adoption expecting a positive outcome like so many of our peers can. Instead, we expect more loss, pain and grief. This miscarriage affected us even more than the first.

My home is silent today. There is no crying baby, no in-laws excitedly staying in our guest room, no friends coming to visit our new precious baby. It's just another day like every other day for us. Except I remember...what could have been.

4 Months!

Ok, so I'm two days late. Please forgive me, things have been a little crazy around our house. So, anyway, it's been 4 months (and 2 days) since we were officially placed in the waiting families book. As you all know, we have a potential match. The next few weeks will be very interesting. We hoped, but never thought, we would have a match so quickly. We may not have a baby next month, but we do know we can and will be chosen again. Let's see what 5 months brings!

Confession

On a shopping trip with another waiting adoptive momma this weekend, I did something that was probably necessary, but also possibly premature. I bought baby girl clothes. Yes, I did it. I realized that if she does come home in a month to six weeks or so, she's going to need to wear something! And there are only so many duckie outfits the poor girl can wear before it gets old! It's such a hard line to walk - she will need things if she comes home with us, but she is not yet ours. So, I kept it under control...I think:). And I kept the receipts. Without further ado....

And before you get your panties in a bunch, I bought some cute gender neutral stuff, too. I can't tell you how much duckie stuff my poor kid will have - it's the only cute gender neutral option....

So, there's my confession for the weekend. I'm not proud. But the stuff is cute, isn't it?

Surreal

I still can't believe we're in this weird limbo place. Will we have a baby girl in less than two months or will we not? I can't even wrap my head around the possibilities!

I got a letter from the "potential" birthmom today. I can't tell you how much we both just love her. She is literally amazing. It's funny, in my first letter to her, I mentioned how surreal this all is for us. In her letter, she said it was the same for her and went on to explain how she and the birthdad decided on adoption. Her honesty and openness are simply more reasons to love her. I have a feeling that even if this little girl is not placed in our arms, we will stay in touch with this family. This process never ceases to amaze me.

As an update, our visit with the parents has been scheduled for July 30. We will be counting down the days! We still have no news on the mom's court hearing. I am getting worried it might not happen for her until after the baby is born. I guess I shouldn't think like that. What is meant to happen will happen.

Thank you for all your support. I will of course let you know if there are any more updates. I feel like a bad blogger lately, but it's hard to write when I am just anxiously sitting here waiting myself! It takes all the energy I have to hold it together every day! I hope you'll be patient with me and know that I'll post any significant updates. Now, back to waiting...