We got a letter from the birthmom again today. She is so sweet. She and I are so much alike, to the point that the birthdad read my letter and told her that we are the same person and she could have written it herself! I cracked up.
Anyway, she informed me that the appellate court has made a ruling as of July 15 and it is now in her original judge's hands. The judge has 30 days to make a final ruling....so a decision could be made as late as August 15, and baby girl is due August 23rd, and may come early. So, we may literally not know until right before, or right after, the baby is born. Hence, my numb feelings. There is a big part of me that SO very much wants her to get the decision she desires. She is an incredible person, and she deserves to parent her baby. There is another part of me that has already fallen in love with baby girl. Our family is already preparing for her. How can we help it? We have to start our bonding process, so that if she does come home to us, we have begun that for her. But, how do we protect our hearts?
I don't have any answers. I can't calm our family and ease their minds, I can't even calm mine! With so much opportunity for happiness, comes so much opportunity for loss. I will never understand why becoming parents has had to be so damn hard for us. Why does every baby that is dangled in front of us have to carry the expectation of pain to come? And then, the age old question that I have been asking myself for 3 years now....why us? Why me?
I really hope and pray I can get out of this funk. We were blessed to be chosen, and this could lead us to our baby girl. I need to stay in that place until I am given a reason to not be there anymore. I guess that's easier said than done.