Sunday, July 18, 2010

Another Silent Due Date

It's always hard to think about what could have been. Important days, anniversaries, holidays come around, and my mind goes to how our life could have been different, if our children had lived.

Our second baby was due today. For most people, a due date means they better start preparing! A baby is coming! They can start thinking about how they will leave their jobs, decorate their nurseries, and make room in their lives for their new addition. For us, due dates become just another reminder of what was lost.

Today is no exception. I have always thought our second child was a girl. And, when I got the results from the tissue they took from my D&C, they told me they thought it might all be maternal tissue (instead of the fetal tissue they should have tested). But, they did say it was "normal female" tissue. It's all I have to go on, so I think of her as a girl.

Seven months ago, on December 18, we learned (for the second time) that our baby had died. We had seen her perfectly growing and healthy body on ultrasound three times. We were told our chances of loss were extremely low. Then, at 9.5 weeks, a routine ultrasound found a baby who measured perfectly to the day, but who had no heartbeat. She was there, and then she wasn't. Three days before Christmas, I went into surgery to have her removed from my body.

So much has happened since then, but we won't ever forget her. Most people have moved on. A couple of our friends were due around the same time....they now are at home, cuddling their newborn babies. I know that we grieve alone. This last loss rocked our world. We honestly started to think with this pregnancy that things really could finally go well for us. We have not made that mistake since. We go into every situation with caution, and with protected hearts. We can no longer go into pregnancy or adoption expecting a positive outcome like so many of our peers can. Instead, we expect more loss, pain and grief. This miscarriage affected us even more than the first.

My home is silent today. There is no crying baby, no in-laws excitedly staying in our guest room, no friends coming to visit our new precious baby. It's just another day like every other day for us. Except I remember...what could have been.


  1. Big hugs. Beautiful post...I'm thinking of you and your baby girl. Sending lots of love.

  2. I am sorry that you are hurting. I can't imagine how you are feeling. However, I do know how it feels for some days to go unnoticed by those around me. No one has ever called me on my daughter's birthday. I suffered in silence. Thanks for sharing your memories.

  3. I will be thinking about you tonight, Sis. Never forget the struggles and losses you have faced, for they are in the very fibers of who you are today. You are amazing with your stories and such an inspiration to many. You share your story, though hard at times, to those who listen. You may never know how far your story has reached, but even if you affect and inspire one person to get through the storm, I like to believe your pain wasn't all for naught. When that door finally opens, you walk through it with grace, confidence and the belief that miracles DO happen ,everyday in some little way.. I love you Sis, and my little Niece and Nephew.

  4. Faith,
    I am so sorry. I used to say "everything happens for a reason." I do not believe that anymore than I believe in the Easter bunny anymore. There can be no possible reasons for this to happen to anyone. Though I do agree with your sister, that you are an inspiration and you have helped me immensely as I deal with my pain. I pray for you every day.

  5. Oh Faith. I know this pain all too well. When the world moves on from our heartache we are still left with the many anniversaries and what could have beens. YOu are in my prayers today and I hope you have a little one to bring home soon.

  6. I am so sorry for the pain and loss you are feeling. I know that no one who has not experienced it can truly understand how much we love these babies that we can never hold. But you are so strong and you WILL get through to the day that you are holding your precious baby in your arms and you will know that there is nothing sweeter.

  7. Thinking about you and your family Faith.