I'm Just Sayin'

I just feel the need to post about something because it's been popping up for me lately, and usually if I write it, it goes away! I want to preface this entire post by stating that I AM HAPPY. I am not complaining and very few moments go by without me recognizing my many blessings in this life.

Ok, all of that said, I am finding myself getting a little jealous (if that's really the word?) of moms with only one baby or one baby and one older child lately. I wonder if jealous is really the word because I don't get all snippy and bitter and angry. I just kind of look at them and wish I could do what they can do. Like, if I had only one, I would hop on a plane with him or her and head to Michigan to visit my family. I work part time and I could do it. But not with two. Not now, not ever. I would die! And I miss my family so much. I desperately want them to know my kids. Or, like, going to the park. It is absolutely impossible for one adult to go with 2 toddlers to the park, the mall, the pool....really anywhere. One toddler heads one way, the other inevitably goes the other. One climbs up on the climber (which is up high and not safe at all) and the other wants to explore the other end of the park. There has to ALWAYS be 2 adults. I want to be able to get up and go when one wakes up from a nap - but, alas, the other one isn't up. I just want to be more free.

With Jason's schedule the way it is, I haven't had to feel too cooped up. But, his shift is changing after 2 years, and I am facing the reality that I will be left alone with my 2 munchkins the majority of every day and night. I signed the babies up for kindermusic classes and have had to begin asking friends to come with me, because we aren't sure Jason can go with his new shift and there has to be one adult to one child. I want to do swimming lessons, but again, who will go with me? I have no family here. So now what? It's like every little thing that I see other moms doing takes an incredible amount of planning...and then begging other people to go with me. Jason was out of town 2 weekends ago and I desperately wanted the babies to be able to go to the Easter event at the mall...so I begged someone to go with me. I find myself feeling so guilty, and I try to rotate who I beg. I hate having to rely on other people. But I want my babies to be able to do anything they would have been able to do if there had only been one of them. I don't want our decision to have them so close together to take away from their experiences. Oh yes...there it is. Here is what is behind it all - good 'ole mommy guilt. So, I guess jealous wasn't the world. Guilt was.

I assume this gets better as they get older. At some point, I should be able to take them out without needing one adult per child. But I am guessing that is still out in the future somewhere. I just need to make peace with the fact that this is what we chose, this is our life, and it is a GOOD life. Maybe my babies can't go as many places as other babies. But they have a perfect little playmate at home, and they will always have that in each other. I have to let go of my need to go out and do so much. Or I have to suck it up and keep begging. This definitely isn't the way I imagined motherhood. Maybe that's why I get a little bit jealous. The way those moms are doing it is the way I imagined motherhood would be for me. I would pop my baby in the car seat and we'd head out to the park whenever we wanted. S/he and I would be carefree and would be able to really enjoy each other's presence. As it is now, most outings become chaotic and stressful as I struggle to stay on top of two toddlers' demands before one or the other, or both, melt down. It just isn't how I imagined it to be. It's not bad, it's just hard.

Ok, so now it's out there. I apologize if it sounds like I am complaining. I'm really not. These 2 beautiful children bring me an immense amount of joy every day. Sometimes, I just get tired. And wonder what it would be like to have children ONE at a time, lol!