I so wish I could go back and re-write my last post, after all that has happened since writing it. Thank you all for such kind comments, for being the support I needed. I always appreciate your thoughts. Wow, I actually have no words to describe the depth of my emotion around the recent school shooting. I know everyone is talking about it, and I couldn't say anything new even if I wanted to.
It's not that what I wrote is not true...it's just that it isn't the whole truth. It was just a snippet, a window into how I was feeling in that moment. If you looked into another window, you'd see that I have cried so many tears as I rocked my children before bed the last couple of nights. My love for them is so intense, so deep, that just thinking about sending them off to school and never seeing them again brought me to my breaking point. I have no connection to those families, and yet my chest aches, my stomach churns, for their grief.
Yes, I do get overwhelmed. Every parent does. Those parents did. What I keep learning is that I can focus on the hard, the being overwhelmed, the "dark" moments of parenting...or I can choose to put my energy into the good moments. It's the same with the grief I am feeling - I can feel myself going over the edge in some ways. If I spend too much time, too much precious energy, thinking of the "what ifs," I am brought to me knees with anxiety and fear. Losing my children is something that I literally cannot imagine, for if I do, I will not be able to move forward in my life. The vulnerability in that thought is intolerable. So, I allow the thoughts to float through my consciousness, then I make a very conscious choice to re-direct my focus to the blessings I have, and they are many. It's all I know how to do.
I am curious - how are you balancing your grief, fear and anxiety after such a tragedy?
SOLD OUT!
5 hours ago
I've been really struggling with this. My overwhelming love and concern for my kids makes me hurt when things like this happen in the world. I just want to protect them from any "bad" that is around them. I've been trying to love them even more and make everyday fun. I know the day will come that I have to send them to school and I pray that something has been changed to make school safer.
ReplyDeleteIt is so much harder hearing these things as a parent, because empathy is so much stronger than sympathy.
ReplyDeleteI am trying to avoid the coverage. I know what happened, I am deeply saddened by it. I am praying for the families. But beyond that, the only thing focusing on it will bring me is pain and heartache.
I am choosing to remember the good stuff, and focus on the positives. However, I don't want my daughter to grow up in fear of everything. I am going to protect her the best I can and pray like hell she is never on TV for something awful, but I also don't want her life to be ruled by the possibility of something horrific happening.
Hope all is well with you all!
I am brought to tears just thinking about it or seeing it on the news. I have never felt such a reaction in myself as this. I'm having a hard time processing. I made Steve turn off the news. I held Callie tight kissing her over and over in her sleep while I watched the president speak last night.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, I could have written this word for word. I am not handling these tragedies well at all. I am internalizing them and feeling so much grief. It has really brought me to an icky place the past few days. And then yesterday we found our that a girl I graduated hs with was stabbed to death in her home by her bf, she has two beautiful baby girls. They live a few streets down from us. So this has added to my grief bigtime. I just keep telling myself that I need to snap out of it and try to get the Christmas spirit back for my baby girl. Its her first Christmas and I want it to be wonderful. I've had to turn the tv off a few times because watching the CT coverage, just digs me into a deeper hole. So I am with ya girl. All we can do is be thankful and feel blessed for what we have, hugs our kids tight and pray (if you pray) for all the families that were struck by this. Gonna be hard, but we have to continue on and live the best lives we can live for our babies :) xo
ReplyDeleteI was having an impossible time with it. I cried about it for days. My sadness for those poor parents is amplified when I put my babies into that situation. I cannot think of those babies, scared and not knowing what is going on, being gunned down in cold blood. I cannot imagine not seeing my baby again after dropping her off at school. It kills me. So, I am not balancing it well. But the Sunday after this happened, Asha came down with a very bad bout of the flu. 103 fevers every 3-4 hours. So, that is where I have had to channel my energies and as a result, we are spending a lot of time on the couch cuddling with Mira in her infant seat next to me. That has helped. But it still makes my heart hurt - I stopped reading and watching it after 4 or 5 days.
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