Another Birthday

Well, I am 30 today. Thirty and childless. Wow, hard to believe. I have always wanted children so badly...I can't believe I am THIRTY without them. I just keep clinging to the desperate hope that next year I will be celebrating with my baby in my arms (I hoped that last year, too, but here we are). Please pray for me that by next year, my prayers are answered. I'm not sure how many more birthdays I can tolerate with empty arms.

That is always my first thought on every birthday...what I don't have. But, today, I have other thoughts, too. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am blessed. I was literally inundated with calls, texts, emails, cards, gifts and birthday wishes today. And, the best part was it seemed everyone knew the wish of my heart. They wrote things like "Hoping this year is the magic year you are waiting for" and "Hoping this year brings you all you are dreaming of." The infertiles of the world often struggle with what to share about our journey, because it is so sensitive and personal, and because the smallest "wrong" comment can send us over the edge. But, I have chosen to be open, to not be ashamed of my empty womb, and to allow others to love me and support me through this difficult time in my life. And people do! They take the opportunity to literally shower me with warm wishes. My heart is so full from the kindness of others. Today was a reminder of just how many people touch my life, and how many people are out there who love me and want only good things for me. I feel like the richest woman in the world!

So, tonight, we had a little party. My gorgeous nieces absolutely LOVE to come over and wish me happy birthday, bring me homemade cards, and eat brownies and ice cream. They are happy because I am happy on my special day. I love them so much, I'm afraid my heart will burst. They make every birthday worth celebrating - without them, I probably wouldn't celebrate at all. And that is the joy of children - they manage to make every day joyful. I am so thankful that their mom and dad raised them to love us, to consider us family. It is truly my honor to be their aunt.

As usual, today is another day to grieve, and another day to celebrate. It is so weird to always be on that fence. I have to choose which way I want to go each day. Today, I choose celebration! I have the best friends, family and co-workers that any girl could ever ask for. That is something I never want to take for granted. Happy Birthday to Me!