Tuesday, November 30, 2010


I have debated with myself about writing this post. I know that for those out there still waiting and dreaming, this will be a hard post to connect with. And, yet, I feel that the true reality of my experience as a mom has to be shared, both for my sanity and because I need the support of all of you out there. I promise those of you waiting that your day will come, too, that you write a post about all the things you didn't expect (or want) to happen! Let me first start, though, by saying that I love my son, more than anything. I would do anything for him. I want to be very clear that what I am about to write does not for one second negate the fact that I am eternally grateful for the gift that is Jackson...

That said, my last week has been h**l. Literally. I cannot tell you how unhappy we have all been since last Wednesday. It started with Jackson fussing a lot more, then spitting up constantly. And I don't mean a little bit here and there, constant vomit, everywhere and all the time. The vomit now includes huge quantities of clear spit up, just flowing out of him, usually about an hour after feeding, accompanied by crying. Then, it escalated to Jackson not sleeping, he gets up multiple times at night and he won't sleep much during the day. What is he doing if he's not sleeping you ask? He is SCREAMING at the top of his lungs, sometimes for hours at a time. Nothing calms him. Holding him, rocking him, bouncing him, walking him, swaddling him, swinging him, you name it, nothing works. For THREE days, we got none of what we call his "happy times." I've described them in previous posts - those smiley, talkative times that we always got after his bottles. They were just gone. Thankfully, they have re-appeared, albeit less boisterous and less often for sure.

I finally called the on-call doctor on Friday because we were at a loss. He immediately said he thought Jackson had a Milk Soy Protein Intolerance (MSPI) as well as "severe acid reflux." Don't ask me why this showed up so brutally now. He's always been a spitter, but nothing like this. He changed Jackson to a VERY expensive hypoallergenic formula (which STINKS beyond belief) and told us to see our doctor on Monday to get medication for reflux. He also scolded me, saying we were overfeeding him. I guess reflux babies do something called "comfort feeding," getting some relief as they eat, so they act hungry and eat too much, which only aggravates the reflux. Little did I know. Jackson has been acting hungry non-stop, hence all the screaming I think. We are trying to feed him ONLY every 3 hours - to compare, he had been in a wonderful routine of every 4 hours. Now, he begins screaming at 2 - 2.5 hours, wanting to eat again. We don't want to overfeed and aggravate the reflux, so we don't feed him, and therefore endure hours of ear-piercing screaming every day. We go from meltdown to meltdown, and it is exhausting, both physically and (especially) emotionally.

We did see the pediatrician yesterday and he agreed Jackson has acid reflux and put him on Zantac. He is not sure about the MSPI but agreed to my idea to keep him on the hypoallergenic formula. If/when he finally evens out, we could begin re-introducing milk and see if the meds alone keep him stable. I am desperate. I would do anything to get my former happy baby back. It's like another baby has replaced him. A switch was flipped, and it's like the joy was sucked out of Jackson and out of our parenting experience. Our lives have been put on hold, we've gotten nothing done (no Christmas tree up, no trips out of the house for days, etc). Like I said, we just move from meltdown to meltdown and try to survive. I am only half-heartedly hopeful about the meds. I've read enough and researched enough to know Zantac needs to be increased often, and that it does wear off. The thought of this going on for months on end is, well, intolerable.

I think what makes me so sad is that I am not enjoying my son, my role as his mommy. I have waited so dang long for this. And now I am in this place where I just dread each day, wondering how hard it will be. Only 2 weeks ago or so, I posted that I enjoyed each day, looked forward to every moment we had with him - and I did. It's like the world just flipped on me in a week. We have no routine, no rest and no answers.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. This is not how I imagined mommyhood to be, but it is reality. This is what you sign up for, it's just not what you dream of when you dream of holding your precious baby in your arms. I really hope this ends soon. Until then, I may or may not post a lot. I do not want to sound like I am complaining about my beautiful son. I love him dearly. I just have a lot of feelings about what is happening, and how I'm going to get through it. And I can't risk those being misinterpreted. Just know we are here, and we are trying to get through our days as best we can. As I have more news, I will post.


  1. I am sorry that Jackson isn't doing well right now. My youngest son had a lot of tummy problems too. I hope he gets better soon. You will get through this. It's all part of being a mommy.

  2. Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done and at times, I've wanted to throw in the towel. I expected to always feel happy and glad to have her even if times were tough, but reality was very different. Sleepless nights, failure to gain weight, vomiting every night, etc. And then on top of it all, I feel guilty complaining because others are wishing for a baby. And it makes me feel like a bad mom. Hang in there and remember you are not alone!

  3. Oh Faith! I totally understand, this is reality! We've had a rough week too, not as bad as yours but there has been no sleeping and it is hard! You get frustrated and annoyed, even though you love your baby more than anything! Prayers for you!

  4. Faith.. I'm sorry. =(

    I'm sorry that it is really tough right now for you and your DH. I cant exactly compare my situation at all to yours at the moment because my baby is still in the womb.. but I will probably be writing a very similiar post to this in the very near future when my son is up and screaming and I want to just crawl in a hole and hide from the universe.

    Please dont EVER worry that people will think that just because you are having a rough patch as a mommy that you do not love or appreciate Jackson. NOBODY thinks that. If they do.. they've never been around new babies long enough to understand how difficult the day-in and day-out responsibility can really wear on you! I sensed from your post that you are worried that readers will judge you because you are having a hard time.. and that's really not the case at all. So, please dont add that extra worry onto yourself. You dont need that!

    I WILL be praying for you and Jackson and your husband. If God is capable of helping me through my panic attacks and suicidal thoughts just weeks ago.. then He is MORE than capable of helping you through this time of stress.

    Hang in there sweet girl. This too shall pass. You will write another "happy" post soon I am sure of it.. = )

    (((((((BIG HUGS))))))))

  5. Faith I am so glad you shared because I knnow that feeling you love youe child no words descibre how much but there are those moments when it is so hard ...but you feel ungrateful for not loving every second and its a viscious cycle I still struggle with anytime I am not being perfect carol brady type mama...

    That being said prayers sent your way for Jackson to feel better and return to his happy days because I know by God answering that prayer you will have your happy times again too!

  6. Does he take a pacifier? Have you tried that? Maybe the sucking on it will alleviate the wanting to suck on a bottle all the time. But you've probably tried that. Sounds like colic to me. And don't think we ever think that you don't love and adore your son. We KNOW you DO! Caleb had colic and would cry nonstop. No sleep. Constant crying. I loved him, but didn't like him very much at that time. I guess thats what parenthood is. Love always. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes not. But always love. And that will never change...

  7. Hi
    So I might have great news for you . . . my friend had (what sounds like) THE exact same issue with her baby boy, actually aroun the same time as him.
    She has now put him on Prevacid. It is expensive, but he is a new baby. He does not have any of the issues he had before.
    Hope this helps! I know how she was feeling when she was going through this and my heart goes out to you, because she was a complete mess (not in a mean way).
    Good luck and I hope you get back to having the baby you had before and being the mommy you want to be!

  8. My son had this as well. He was right at 2 1/2 months old when he was started on zantac. It did not work. A few weeks later he was switched to prevacid and we were advised to put cereal in his bottles. The Prevacid, along with extra thick cereal bottles (especially at night) all but CURED him! The thick cereal bottles practically stopped the projectile vomiting. He was a much happier baby after that. By the time he was 9 months old, we were able to stop the prevacid, but was encouraged(by our pediatrician) to continue the cereal bottles at night. It made all the difference in the world! At first, I used rice cereal (just made the hole in the bottle a little bigger). Then a few weeks later, I switched him to oatmeal. A few weeks after that, I used the oatmeal with apples & bananas.
    My friend's son is almost 5 months old. He's been taking cereal bottles since he was 3 months old as well for the vomiting. It stopped his without having to go on medication.

  9. Try the Zantac for a week, but if there is NO improvement, I would see if your physician would let you try Prevacid. Good luck!

  10. Here is something to think about....

    Just as adults have bad days, weeks....so do babies. Try to remember that when he is screaming. It will pass.

    In my opinion, most (if not all) of the "not so happy times" you are experiencing with him can stem from his acid reflux. Give it time and let the Zantac work. Your happy little buddy will return...soon.

    Take a deep breath and just love him.

    FYI: I just found your blog..I am not sure how.

  11. Also, I awarded you the "Cherry on top" blogger award! You are probably a bit predisposed for all that, but if you want to pass it on, see the rules on my blog!

  12. Oh Faith! I'm sorry sorry that you and poor Jackson are having to go through this. We all know you are not complaing. Sheesh! Wouldn't we all be exhausted and begging for this to end if it were one of us. No matter how long you wait and pray for a baby, this is a lot to handle. I will be praying that this ends right away. Hugs!

  13. Faith,
    Hold on, a bit longer and I know Jackson will be his little giggely baby self again. You and Jason will too. Your plan as we talked about is going to work. LIke others havde truthfuly said, its being a normal mother and baby. Preparing you for things to come, making you confident in your right choices. This may not seem like a bonding time but you will remember it forever.

  14. Hang in there Faith! This too shall pass!

  15. We had some very very difficult days (okay, months...) with Lydia. It was aweful. I would wish it on noone! It's okay to not always have happy warm feelings toward your baby. It has nothing to do with your love for him.