" If you look back and examine some pain of the past, you will see that it taught you so much that no other teacher could...Only when wounded do we stand still and listen. Bleeding, you will be brought to your knees many times. But somehow, nourished by an indomitable thread of strength within...you will go on."
Taken from "Ano Ano The Seed" by Kristin Zambucka (1978)
A good friend gave me this book recently, knowing I had just lost my second baby, after taking 1.5 years to conceive our angel. She knew I could very easily wallow in the "why me's" and, honestly, some days I do. And that's ok. It's interesting, I actually don't believe that things happen for a reason. Nope. When I think about it, I can't imagine that our babies are taken from us for ANY good reason. No matter how much strength, wisdom and courage I gain from this journey, I just can't wrap my head around the idea that pain and suffering is ever worth it, especially after the excruciating pain I have endured over the last two years. So that is what I think. What I feel in my gut is that this is all meant to be. I feel as though this baby came into our lives to offer us hope and happiness when we were running very low. We were flying high when we saw that heartbeat and that growing baby! For the first time in a year and a half, we felt like life could go on, like we could be happy again as a couple, as a family, as parents. Yes, we lost our angel. But we gained the strength and love to go on, to look forward to the day when we get our happy ending. This baby gave me that hope, and I am working hard to hold on tight to it and not allow the loss to extinguish it. I hold on to the picture in my head of us, sometime in the future, holding our baby, and I know that we were meant for THAT baby. Thoughts can be nasty things, telling us we deserve this somehow, life is unfair, we have a right to hate those around us given all we have suffered. But feelings, what is in our hearts, can lead us to understanding and maybe, just maybe, peace.
I am going to continue to read this book, and really experience the words. I have worked to surround myself with people, books and thoughts that encourage love and hope, rather than anger and hate. Believe me, it's not easy! Some days, the loss just overtakes me, and I shake with grief, and I cry with anger. Some days, I look back on how many days, months, years I have ached to be a mother (all the while watching every friend we have as they enjoy easily achieved and healthy pregnancies, many of them now the parents of multiple children), and I get angry, and incredibly sad. What I have learned, though, is to not fight that feeling. It is OK to be sad, to be angry, to truly feel our grief. What is not ok is to allow it to define who we are. I am trying hard to do that. It takes work, every day. I am thankful to my friend for sharing this book with me. It has helped me on my path, and I have learned to be thankful for each gift, big or small, that helps me along this very difficult journey.