Thursday, September 16, 2010

My Cup Runneth Over

I have been dreading writing this post, because I can imagine it will be hurtful to some of you. But, it is time to spill my guts. The secret is too much. Those of you infertiles with pregnancy radar (you know, that sick feeling you get when you know the hit to the gut is coming) already know what I will be saying, so here it goes...we are pregnant.

We are 18 weeks along as of today, and as far as we can tell, all is well. I can imagine this is a shock to some of you, as it was to us at first! It certainly adds another layer to our story and it has been difficult for me to not write about it. To answer some common questions, let me tell you the short version of the story. First, we were not trying when we got pregnant. We quit ALL fertility treatments after our second miscarriage in December. This baby came on his/her own time in the natural way. We found out on June 10 and got the call about the match on June 24. We thought we would lose this pregnancy, so we kept the news to ourselves. My HCG numbers did not double at first, and that only strengthened my opinion that we were on our way to a third miscarriage. We decided to wait until we got a little further before telling our social worker and the birthparents who had chosen us. When we were 10 weeks along, a week before meeting the birthparents, we told them. We were absolutely terrified they would not want us to parent their child anymore. Our hearts were set on adoption, on them, and on their baby, should they choose to place. This pregnancy changed none of that. To our amazement, both T and A (birthparents) were relaxed about our pregnancy and took every opportunity to tell us how excited they were for us. To this day, they ask every time we talk to them about how the pregnancy is going. They are so happy to hear it is going well. I'll never get over how blessed we are to have them in our life.

I have had many ultrasounds, and all is well. My last appointment was 2 weeks ago at 16 weeks, and it was just a doppler. Jason and I monitor with our at-home doppler to ease my anxiety. Although, since Jackson has joined our family, that doesn't happen as often as it used to:). Our next appointment is in 2 weeks, at which point we'll find out if Jackson will be having a baby brother or sister. I pray that all is well and the baby is still kicking in there (literally kicking, as s/he is always moving around like crazy during ultrasounds). I have already felt movement on and off, and it is quite incredible.

There is so much more to say about this. So many emotions I have experienced that I may share in time. I can tell you that ambivalence has been one of them. None of this journey has been what I have expected, and I am working every day to release my plan and allow life to happen the way it is meant to happen. I am also trying my hardest to trust myself, my dear husband and Jackson...trust that all three of us will be able to handle another big change in 5 months. Mostly, I'd just love to trust myself and my own ability to handle two babies. I'm pretty sure my 2 boys will adjust just fine:).

For now, I'll just leave you with that news. I hope it settles ok with most of you, and I want those of you still trying and waiting to know that I have been where you are, and the pain does end. My story has come to this place, with two amazing blessings (assuming this pregnancy progresses), and I honestly wondered on most days if I'd ever even be blessed with one baby. Honestly, if Jackson was all that God gave me, my life would be complete. He makes me complete. The fact that I also have the blessing of a pregnancy, a second baby to love, brings me to tears. I don't deserve all of this, and yet here it is. I am seeing that I named my blog appropriately - continue to keep your hope close to your heart. Don't let this journey rip it from you day after day. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

I will post my 12 week and 18 week belly pics next posting, so this is a warning to those who may not want to see those (again, I've been there) to not read that post:).

Lastly, I want to thank all of you for your comments on that last post. They meant so much to me and I read them over and over again as I gathered my strength from you. This mommy thing is hard, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Oh, and I bought a Miracle Blanket, as suggested by a reader, which came in the mail today:). I'll let you know how it works for our little man. The thought of a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours is so exciting!

I don't often quote the Bible, but the time has come...

"...my cup runneth over."
Psalms 23:5

15 comments:

  1. It's simply a miralce! Congrats!

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  2. Oh Faith! I know that you were hesitant to write this post.. but only because your heart is SO full of love and hope for other people that you didnt want to hurt any feelings. And for that.. everyone should be understanding of your announcement!

    I think that you said it in the most noble and empathetic way possible.. and you may lose some followers to be honest ( I quit following MANY blogs when I was still ttc and "the announcement" post would pop up.. that was my cue to protect myself and quit reading for awhile) but they will come back around when they too get pregnant! = )

    God bless you Faith. I just have a special place in my heart for you because I admire how much you care about others! I love the Bible verse that you quoted and I am soooo excited to see some belly shots of your newest little one!! =D

    XOXOXO

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  3. Oh my goodness! Congratulations!!! And how beautiful is your heart to be so sensitive and kind to the others still struggling.

    (Be sure to watch the Miracle Blanket how-to video online, and make sure it's nice and snug! He may protest at first (or maybe not), but watch how restful he will become!)

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  4. I am SO happy for you and both of your blessings. What an exciting time in your life, Faith.

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  5. Wow! Just...wow! I can't get over how amazing this is. Congratulations! I will be following along excitedly. God bless your family of four!

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  6. Congrats! I can't wait to find out if "it's" a sister or a brother...

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  7. Faith, I've said it before, but you are my inspiration. I feel like I'm just following you through life. Thank you for being so sensitive to those of us still waiting to be mommies.

    You deserve all of this. I'm so happy for you and your family is beautiful. Enjoy your blessings!

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  8. Faith-I have tears of joy rolling down my face. Don't ever think you don't deserve all of this because you do. I hate that you are afraid to post your joy. God has a plan for everything and he gives us amazing blessings in his time. I am so happy for you and can't wait to see pics. I for one will be sticking around.

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  9. Faith, Im very very pleased for you and your family. How very exciting to have two so close to the same age. And well done at getting past that first gut wrenching, nerve demolishing first trimester without cracking! You dont need to feel uncomfortable announcing this to anybody. Yes, it can be a little painful but its not as if your husband "just looks at you" and you become pregnant. I have to admit its a little easier for me to celebrate the good fortune of women who have been through hell and back. The pangs of jealousy will always be the elephant in the room with the infertility community, and thats just inevitable. I actually prefer not to talk about it most of the time. I THOUGHT you might have been pregnant when I saw that picture of you with Jackson while you were still on vacation, because of your erm.. chest! I was going to ask you if you had induced lactation to breasfeed,, lol.Not to mention a general healthy glow. As far as the pain ending, I am so happy that YOURS is ending. Has ended. Not all of us will get there. Its impossible to say that it ends, it ends for some people. Some of us will have an emotional disability and a child shaped whole in our lives, for the rest of our lives. This shouldnt take any of the joy that you feel for your happy ending though. Its a wonderful blessing and Im sure we are all wishing you all the best. Ill keep reading, and I LOVE belly pics!

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  10. I know of no one who has been so supportive to others in your situation. Seeing so much pain in your heart through this journey creates an extra special joy in my heart. I have prayed for this for many. many nights and God sure has answered all our prayers. I will continue to pray for all your followers and still others who have had such a long road. Seeing a positive outcome can comfort one who wait.

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  11. Happy and joyful your house will be! Where there was sadness, now so much rejoicing!

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  12. OH-MY-GOSH!!!! I am just catching up and reading this news! What a wonderful, amazing thing! I am thrilled for you. We have six - by adoption and birth. And it's all so good. You are truly blessed, and your post just made my day. Take good care of yourself and Jax's little brother or sister. (Can't wait to see the belly pics!)

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  13. Oh honey! I'm so happy for you! What a double blessing. I can't wait to find out if he is going to be a big brother to a baby brother or sister!

    P.S. I forgive you for not telling me since we are friends and all but I understand...

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  14. How wonderful!! Congratulations. I am thrilled for you. I can understand your hesitation about posting this....some might be hurt only because they so want this very same thing. BUT, I think it's amazing and as one other person said, it is a bit easier to rejoice with those that have "been there." It sounds terrible I know, but it easy to rejoice with our friends who have went through struggles and are finally gettting what we all want so badly. Ok...I'm blabbing now. I am just so very happy for you! :)

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  15. I'm behind with this.. but congrats on sharing this amazing news!! You are so blessed and it's so exciting!

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