Those of you who watch TV at all know that there is literally NO show on the market that does not include someone getting pregnant at some point. I mean, even The Office had to go and ruin the show with the crazy Jim and Pam baby story. If you watch Army Wives, you know Roxy is pregnant. If you are like me, you wanted to throw up, as once again, one of your favorite shows, one of the things that brings you joy at the end of the day, is now also something that brings you pain. Now, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Every time I see someone get pregnant on TV or in the movies (usually unexpectedly, or literally one show after they decide to start trying), I wish they would miscarry.
What?! Did I just say that?! Yes, I did, but let me explain. I don't wish them ill will (I mean, they are TV characters for goodness sakes). I don't hate them, I don't want them to hurt the way I have hurt. What I want is for my experience to be part of our society, to be recognized and acknowledged, even in the media. I want my story to repeat in people's minds as they watch their favorite shows, because it repeats in mine every minute of every day. Mostly, I want to stop feeling like a complete and total freak of nature.
Every time I am in the real world, I am reminded that 95% of the population can get pregnant easily, have relatively easy pregnancies, and give birth to perfectly healthy, beautiful babies. And it hurts, for many reasons...but mostly because I can't. I literally cannot do that. So, is it too much to ask that when I am in the comfort of my own home, watching my favorite "stories," that my story is also told? Is it too much to ask that I am not made to feel like some alien who doesn't belong with the rest of the child-bearing women on this planet? Must I be reminded repeatedly of my painfully rare empty womb, my precious angels lost too soon?
So, am I evil? I honestly don't know. Am I the only infertile woman who feels this way? I'm not sure. Until now, I haven't been brave enough to share these feelings. I want to make one thing clear: I am not proud of them. I am normally a compassionate, sometimes overly caring and empathic person. I have to believe that this desire to see pain in my favorite TV characters' lives is not an indication of a lurking propensity towards evil inside of me, but really a desperate attempt to feel like I belong in a world that has become so painfully foreign to me.