Monday, April 19, 2010

The Dark Side of Faith

As I sit and watch Army Wives tonight, I am reminded of the not-so-pretty side of myself. In many ways, my infertility and loss of two babies have made me hard. And I don't like it. But, to stay true to my quest to make sure the entire experience of my infertility (even the dirty parts) is shared, I want to be honest. Here it goes...

Those of you who watch TV at all know that there is literally NO show on the market that does not include someone getting pregnant at some point. I mean, even The Office had to go and ruin the show with the crazy Jim and Pam baby story. If you watch Army Wives, you know Roxy is pregnant. If you are like me, you wanted to throw up, as once again, one of your favorite shows, one of the things that brings you joy at the end of the day, is now also something that brings you pain. Now, I'm going to let you in on a secret. Every time I see someone get pregnant on TV or in the movies (usually unexpectedly, or literally one show after they decide to start trying), I wish they would miscarry.

What?! Did I just say that?! Yes, I did, but let me explain. I don't wish them ill will (I mean, they are TV characters for goodness sakes). I don't hate them, I don't want them to hurt the way I have hurt. What I want is for my experience to be part of our society, to be recognized and acknowledged, even in the media. I want my story to repeat in people's minds as they watch their favorite shows, because it repeats in mine every minute of every day. Mostly, I want to stop feeling like a complete and total freak of nature.

Every time I am in the real world, I am reminded that 95% of the population can get pregnant easily, have relatively easy pregnancies, and give birth to perfectly healthy, beautiful babies. And it hurts, for many reasons...but mostly because I can't. I literally cannot do that. So, is it too much to ask that when I am in the comfort of my own home, watching my favorite "stories," that my story is also told? Is it too much to ask that I am not made to feel like some alien who doesn't belong with the rest of the child-bearing women on this planet? Must I be reminded repeatedly of my painfully rare empty womb, my precious angels lost too soon?

So, am I evil? I honestly don't know. Am I the only infertile woman who feels this way? I'm not sure. Until now, I haven't been brave enough to share these feelings. I want to make one thing clear: I am not proud of them. I am normally a compassionate, sometimes overly caring and empathic person. I have to believe that this desire to see pain in my favorite TV characters' lives is not an indication of a lurking propensity towards evil inside of me, but really a desperate attempt to feel like I belong in a world that has become so painfully foreign to me.


  1. HELL NO you are not the only one! I have the EXACT same thoughts as you. So I hope that they aren't THAT evil. I don't consider myself a mean person either. However, I've been known to dive over furniture and risk bodily harm to turn the TV off before any commercial portraying happy pregnant couples gets too painful to watch. I didn't go see the 3rd Shrek movie because they have a baby in it! And seriously that is only the tip of the ice burg for me. That doesn't even include any family activities I have avoided due to pregnant family members...

    Thank you for being open and honest about this. Know that you are absolutely, 100%, NOT ALONE!


  2. I agree, I also wish to see infertility/miscarriage and adoption displayed in modern film and tv. The world seems very fertile to us and having our side portrayed would be a welcome relief!

  3. You are definitely not an evil person for thinking that! I think it's something that all of us infertiles feel at some point in time. Or at least, I think so. I know I do. And what kills me is that even in the rare moment when they do show someone who is infertile or who has a miscarriage, it's always very short lived. If they have a m/c, it just shows them sad for a day or two, then bam! They either get pregnant again, or the story moves on and is not further explained! It's as if nothing happened! Example: Julie and Julia. She obviously dealt with IF, but if you didn't know anything about IF, you had no idea. It was barely touched in the movie. But I guarantee was a big part of Julia Child's life.

    ALright, I'm done. Sorry for hogging up your comment section! LoL As you saw from my recent blog, this is something that is bugging me too!

  4. I COMPLETELY agree with you!!!! Ugh...

  5. I think if the media showed the real aspect of infertility, it would help with a few different aspects of the issue. First, and obviously, it would help the people that are suffering from it by showing that it does happen, it is very real and true and, no, you are not alone. Second, I really believe that it is a good way to help people who know someone that is going through the pain to see it and feel it and get educated about what is going on and/or what they can do to help.
    I, too, have issues with family functions and I haven't even started to try to conceive. I am ready now to move forward in my life and I HATE that the "Other Half" of that decision isn't ready. I see at my family functions that I have absolutely nothing to add to the conversations, which are all about their children and raising them and cute stories, swapping advice,ect. Seeing my future child's cousins running around, knowing, that those cousins will be too old to play with mine by the time it happens. And it always falls back to "So, Angela, isn't it about time for you?" Most times I hurry up and leave early and wait to cry when no one's around or looking. I feel guilty that I can't enjoy my family the way I should.(My never-before-released-publicly "Dark Side") If I feel this empty inside in this stage in my life, I can only imagine the strength it takes to conquer the pain of infertility(although it does, as you know, run in the family and I feel I need to prepare myself for that very real possibility). I think that showing it more often in the media might lessen the blow by feeling like you're not in it alone. And you may not have friends who understand, but you have your favorite TV character in the fight on your side. Sorry I wrote so much... All you Gals are tough and deserve a "I haven't gone crazy YET" Award. ~Angela

  6. I feel this way a lot!!! I don't think we are evil at all. We just long to know that we are not the only ones who go through this. I mean even think about Monica on Friends (I loved that show) She went through it, yet it never really portrayed how truly painful it is. I actually tried to contact TLC at one time to tell them they should have a show on IF. Of course I never got a response back. Thanks again for being open with us.

  7. Nope,not alone! I completely understand, and agree...