Friday, April 30, 2010

Impending Doom

Can anyone feel the earth moving, the dark clouds coming, the signs of pain to come? I sure can. And the reason is Mother's Day is a week away. There is no other day of the year that rips my heart into pieces like Mother's Day. I have two anniversaries of miscarriages and two due dates that mean nothing to anyone but me every year. I also survive friends' children's birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, all childless. But no day is able to remind me of all I have lost and all that I am missing like Mother's Day. And I had forgotten how incredibly sickening and awful the entire week leading up to Mother's Day really is.

Every commercial, every TV show, every news story, every advertisement reminds me that I am not a mom, like I needed the entire American culture to remind me of this powerful fact that resides in my head and in my heart every day. I went to pick out Mother's Day cards (for our dear moms and other important women in our lives) and felt like I went to battle. Every other card was "Now that I'm a parent" and "First Mother's Day" cards. Each time, I felt my stomach turn. I sure didn't see a "Happy Mother's Day to a very special mom. We will be remembering your angel babies today" card. I walked out of my favorite store, Hallmark, as if I had survived a war...with wounds that may or may not heal.

So, today I am thinking of what my next Sunday will not be like. I will not have my goofy husband and my child (my son would be about 18 months old right now) serving my breakfast in bed, giggling as I make a big deal out of the gesture. I won't have a scribbled picture as my present, with daddy's handwriting labeling it, to call my very own and to treasure forever. I won't hear those sweet words, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy." I won't go out and be honored everywhere I go, because while I am a mother of 2 very precious angels, I am not a mother in anyone else's eyes. I also will not be happily receiving "You're expecting, new mommy" cards, as I would be if I was still pregnant. In case anyone is counting (yeah, right), I would be about 30 weeks on Mother's Day this year, and people would be honoring me. But, not this Sunday. Not this Mother's Day.

Pray for me this week. My heart is aching, my womb is empty and my arms are light, too light. And this culture is going to be celebrating all week. And we should celebrate. Moms are the most amazing people on earth, true gifts to us all. I just want to be one of them, more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I just want to be a Mom.


  1. oh boy Faith, i know. last Mothers day I had just lost Gavin. This Mothers day he would be year old.........ugh. There is no words to help on this one..we can only power through.

  2. I will be praying for you. Know you are a mother in my eyes.

  3. Faith, what a beautiful, moving post. I could not have written it any better, and every word resounds with me. We are mothers, but the rest of the world does not see it. But we feel it with our hearts...

    I'll be in pain this week too. I hate all the reminders...

  4. Faith, it's w8ing! You speak so eloquently for so many of us. I, like so many others, am right there with you. This week will stink and will try our strength and patience, but we will get through it. Maybe not in one piece, but we'll get through it. My little one would be 11 months old. Happy Mother's Day, mommy!

  5. Last mother's day, I swore it would be my last and here I am again...I will be praying with you and for you this week!

    Yes, I love pedicures!

  6. Faith, your post prompted me to write to my pastors and remind them that those dealing with infertility during this time, especially on Mothers Day, need support and hope given to them. I know when all the mothers were standing and getting clapped for, I just felt so lonely and like such a failure... which we are NOT, but ofcourse we feel that way... I have meant to write my pastor for several years... and now that i finally did, he wrote me back to say he'd add an extra prayer for women (and men) struggling with being childless during this difficult time. I am so thankful he agreed it was an important thing for the church to do on this day. THanks for the reminder to help spread awareness and hope.

  7. HUGS! I am dreading this Sunday at church. ugh! Will be thinking about you and praying for you too.

  8. Faith, if you are really quiet on Sunday morning you'll be able to hear my heart telling yours, "Happy Mother's Day."

    This day is stirring up tons of stuff for me, as you've seen. I think of all the people I know who have struggled to become mothers, who have lost mothers, who have lost children... and I realize that it is a very heavy day for a lot of people.

  9. Well I've been lagging behind on commenting on blogs lately because honestly I just feel like its not fair and I always hated it when people would get pregnant and then act like they still know the pain of infertility. But, I think (I hope) that you know me well enough to know that I am not "that" person and I want to still be able to comment on here even though I have crossed to the "other side" (for now)! I promise, I'm still bitter and resentful and mad about my infertlilty enough so, that when I walk through Walmart/Target and see pg ladies.. I still cringe. They tick me off. And probably always will. = ) I'm a peach... I know. = )

    Anywho.. moving on.. you WILL be a mommy someday Faith. Someday very soon hopefully. And hopefully on future Mother's Days we will all look back and reflect on all of these sucky Mother's days that we endured with tear filled eyes while others celebrated infront of us... not knowing the absolute pain that we feel on the inside because of our angel children and empty arms. Even if I AM a mom someday.. I really dont think that I will ever truly enjoy Mothers Day like I should because of all the bad ones that I had to walk through before making it to the easier ones. That pain never seems to completely go away.

    I love you and I will be praying for you on Sunday.

    Love, me