Impending Doom

Can anyone feel the earth moving, the dark clouds coming, the signs of pain to come? I sure can. And the reason is Mother's Day is a week away. There is no other day of the year that rips my heart into pieces like Mother's Day. I have two anniversaries of miscarriages and two due dates that mean nothing to anyone but me every year. I also survive friends' children's birthdays, Thanksgiving and Christmas every year, all childless. But no day is able to remind me of all I have lost and all that I am missing like Mother's Day. And I had forgotten how incredibly sickening and awful the entire week leading up to Mother's Day really is.

Every commercial, every TV show, every news story, every advertisement reminds me that I am not a mom, like I needed the entire American culture to remind me of this powerful fact that resides in my head and in my heart every day. I went to pick out Mother's Day cards (for our dear moms and other important women in our lives) and felt like I went to battle. Every other card was "Now that I'm a parent" and "First Mother's Day" cards. Each time, I felt my stomach turn. I sure didn't see a "Happy Mother's Day to a very special mom. We will be remembering your angel babies today" card. I walked out of my favorite store, Hallmark, as if I had survived a war...with wounds that may or may not heal.

So, today I am thinking of what my next Sunday will not be like. I will not have my goofy husband and my child (my son would be about 18 months old right now) serving my breakfast in bed, giggling as I make a big deal out of the gesture. I won't have a scribbled picture as my present, with daddy's handwriting labeling it, to call my very own and to treasure forever. I won't hear those sweet words, "Happy Mother's Day, Mommy." I won't go out and be honored everywhere I go, because while I am a mother of 2 very precious angels, I am not a mother in anyone else's eyes. I also will not be happily receiving "You're expecting, new mommy" cards, as I would be if I was still pregnant. In case anyone is counting (yeah, right), I would be about 30 weeks on Mother's Day this year, and people would be honoring me. But, not this Sunday. Not this Mother's Day.

Pray for me this week. My heart is aching, my womb is empty and my arms are light, too light. And this culture is going to be celebrating all week. And we should celebrate. Moms are the most amazing people on earth, true gifts to us all. I just want to be one of them, more than anything I've ever wanted in my life. I just want to be a Mom.