Sunday, April 4, 2010

Remembering Baby Boy E

It was two years ago today that I heard the words that changed my life. "I'm sorry, your baby does not have a heartbeat." It was two years ago today that I learned that life is unfair and cruel and that bad things do happen to good people. I always knew people said those things, but life taught me a hard lesson that day. And it did not get easier. It does for some people. They go on to get pregnant again, have healthy babies, move on in their life. And, while the pain was excruciating, I thought I would be able to do that, too. But, since that fateful day, we have experienced over 2 years (and counting) of infertility, and another loss. So, our lives were truly and fully changed on April 4, 2008. I'd like to take a moment today and remember our first child. He was a light in our lives, if only briefly.

Our only pictures of our son. At 11.5 weeks, he only measured 7.5 weeks.

How do you love a person who never got to be, Or try to envision a face you never got to see?

How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live, when there is nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive?

I love you, my little baby, my companion of the night. Wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright.

What does it mean to die before you ever were born, to live the lovely night of life but never see the dawn?

Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone!

Life's a burst of joy and pain.

And like yours, it's done.

I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years. No more, no less, I think of you, the Angel of my tears.

-Author Unknown

Mommy loves you, my sweet angel. Godspeed, little man.


  1. Faith, this post made me cry! Sending you hugs as you remember your sweet angel...I know your pain. If you need to talk, I am here for you!

  2. you can't see me as I type this.. But I'm wiping tears from my eyes. People always talk about a "Mother's love" (what it feels like to hold, see, and love your baby). But I beleive that it takes a TRUE love of a mother, to cherish,remember,and love your baby even when you didn't get the chance to meet them. :( makes me sad. :( Because I'm also a woman who wasn't priveledged to get pregnant and carry to term after a miscarriage. I got to look at pictures of my cousins brand new baby girl today that she got pregnant with after we both miscarried around the same time. And while I said the words "oh.. What a babydoll girl!" and "oh.. Look at those chubby cheeks!" I couldn't help but think of my own little one.. That nobody ever had the chance to admire and hold. And as another mother of an angel baby.. I wish I could give you a real life hug (maybe someday I will get to) and let you know that I feel your pain!

    Hang in there girl. I've mascara running... :)


  3. Oh Faith, this post has me in tears. I know your pain all too well and we can talk about it in May when we have our date. May will mark 5 has been 5 years since I lost our first baby. Do you mind if I steal this poem because it truly captures the loss of a baby due to a miscarriage.

    Big hugs!

  4. Adding my ((hugs)) to the growing list of hugs for you during this difficult time.

    Thank you for sharing the poem. It is beautiful and perfect and true. I may have to borrow it from you come May when we have our 3 year anniversary since Bill Murray (what we called our little one before we lost her) came and went from our lives.


  5. Thinking of you during this very difficult time!

  6. I don't know this pain, but I know the pain of empty arms...Keep holding on.