And then we made the decision to adopt, and I feel the change within me, within us. I never went into adoption thinking it would fill those holes. I need that ache in my heart, because it is all I have left of my precious angels. But, my heart aches for something else, too. My heart is desperate to be a mom. And that feeling is also indescribable to anyone who hasn't intimately known that ache. We carry it everywhere. Imagine every time you see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby, a car seat, a daddy enjoying his child, a stroller, a playground, an ultrasound picture, the baby aisle at target, a picture of a smiling family, the extra room down the hall in your home...imagine every time you see one of those things, a weight presses down on your chest and the pressure hurts so badly, you cry. It's not easy living with that urgent ache, that desire.
Adopting our child will never fill the holes in my heart that the loss of my sweet babies created. That is too big a job for one little baby! What adoption has brought to me, is hope. It's allowed my heart to begin to heal. It has allowed me to feel the filling of your heart that every mom feels when she is expecting. The knowledge of good things to come. And that is a gift. I am not going in blind, but I am going in with a heart dripping with love, literally oozing with it. My heart is full! I know Jason's is, too. Now, Lord, we are ready. Bring it on!