Uggghh, it's one of those days...

You know those days when the reality of your infertility just follows you around and won't leave you alone? You know how it just grips your body and you have that sick to your stomach feeling for an entire day? I just can't shake it today!! Even the blogs I read online, supposedly about infertility, consist of happy smiling women showing off their baby bumps. Yuck. Did they go through infertility? Yes! But do they have something that I am now realizing I may never have? Unfortunately, yes. And many of them have not been on this TTC train as long as I have, and that is SO frustrating. I know, I know, I have my own journey to experience...blah, blah, blah. Let's see, what else is triggering this? Well, ONE of the pregnant women at work (there's a revolving door of them, by the way), wrote happily on our "out board" that she'll miss us all as she trots off to her perfect delivery and maternity leave!! Again, yuck. Oh and let's not forget the three pregnant women at the grocery store who were also pushing at least one other child in their carts. For the third time, yuck. Then memories of high school friends came into my head, and I realized they all have multiple children now. And my wonderful mom is visiting, and it always amazes me how much we have in common, from our hair texture to the way we hold our hands when we are laying down. And then my head goes to the thought...what if I never have a biological child who will carry these traits? What if I can't give my family that joy? What if I never get to say, "You got that beautiful hair from your grandma!" And, there it is again, that sick to my stomach feeling. Why does all this stuff come flying at me in one day?!

Yes, I am excited about adopting. I am actually "giddy" excited about adopting! But, I still cannot shake the intense sadness infertility has brought me, the kind of sadness you feel in your chest because your heart hurts so much. I may never have a baby bump, a labor and delivery story, a child that carries my genetic traits. And that is painful to know. People think that because we are planning to adopt, we are "fine." And I guess we are fine. Certainly our plan to adopt has helped us move forward. But it doesn't change what we have been through, and it doesn't change the fact that we have lost two babies and are losing hope about ever having a biological child. Some days, I am really and truly NOT fine. Some days, I need the space to grieve what I have lost (including control over my own life, imagined or not). And to be angry about the crap I have been handed in the world of fertility...drugs, shots, invasive procedures, more shots, more procedures, more drugs...and on and on, all the while trying to survive the never-ending negatives that each month brings us. I may be learning to be stronger, wiser, etc...but I'm not Superwoman. Some days, it's just too much, and I buckle under the pain. And when that happens, what I'd like to say to family and friends is this: be patient with me. Understand that just holding it together 6 days out of the week takes all the energy I have, and I deserve a day to fall apart. I need to be able to be openly angry, and I need to have a good cry. I WILL be ok, I won't spiral down into the depths of oblivion. I just need a day to truly feel and express this pain, this TRAUMA that is infertility and loss. Today is one of those days. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day, and that my strength is back to carry me through yet another week....