Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Why adoption? Why now?

Since we have announced our plans to adopt to different people, I've noticed the questions in their eyes. If you want some perspective about how it feels to announce your plans for adoption and get a luke warm reaction, go to E's blog and Jodi's blog. Because these blogs are great, and because this really isn't the focus of my post, I'm not going to comment...for now:). But, back to the questions I see when I announce our plans to adopt. It seems those questions go un-asked. It's like people are afraid to say, "What made you decide to adopt?" and "Why now?" So, I decided that I would post about it and at least YOU all would get the benefit of my answers. For the record, I wouldn't mind if anyone asked their questions, if they asked with curiosity and NOT judgement. I love to talk about our journey of infertility, our losses and our plans to adopt. They're all an important part of who I am. That said....

My heart first began opening to adoption at my first appointment at my second RE (we didn't like the first after 9 months of treatment and decided to get a second opinion). This appointment was in August 2009. As I sat in the waiting room, I noticed The Adoption Guide magazine on the table. I picked it up. I became enthralled with all the stories of adoption, and I read about the process, and I even read about the adoption tax credit. We went in to see the doctor and the news wasn't good. We had a less than 5% chance of conceiving on our own and his course of treatment barely brought us to 17%. We faced month after month of intrusive, expensive treatment, with no promise of anything. We still had dreams of a biological child (and still do by the way), so we did treatment, and I kept going back, and I continued to be drawn to the adoption magazines in the waiting room. As I read the stories, I cried. My heart had been touched by adoption. I started searching stories and information online, and it became more and more real to me that this adoption thing was possible for us.

So, one day, I decided to ask Jason about it. I worried about his reaction because I guess I had already decided that this was the route I wanted to go (even if I hadn't even admitted it to myself yet) and I was terrified he would say he didn't want to do it. Jason had all the normal initial doubts and questions about adoption, so we talked, and I educated him on some things I had learned in my research, and I echoed some of his worries. As we talked more, I told him that just the thought of adoption made my heart lighter. Infertility literally coated my heart with sadness, anger and hopelessness. The thought of adoption brought HOPE back into my life. As I thought about it, I thought about the fact that we WOULD have a baby through this process. I never had that guarantee with fertility treatments. I think that was what helped Jason to begin thinking about the possibilities. I have a husband who cares SO much about my happiness. I am truly blessed. When he saw the tears in my eyes as I described how happy the idea of adoption made me, well, he was willing to give it some more thought. I know so many other woman out there who are ready for adoption, but their husbands are not. I am so lucky that I have Jason, and that he loves me so much that he is willing to go into uncomfortable territory for our family, and for my happiness.

We started requesting information from agencies in September and, well, as you all know by now, we found out we were pregnant in November. Going back to the beginning of this post, there were different reactions to our pregnancy than we got when we announced our plans to adopt. But, I can somewhat understand that, for reasons we won't talk about today:). Anyway, after we got pregnant and lost our angel, it was tempting to get back on the fertility train. I mean, we got pregnant again, right? We saw a beautiful healthy baby on ultrasound, we experienced the excitement of pregnancy, we were getting a taste of our dream. Like I said, it was tempting. So, I had surgery, we did testing, we waited for phone calls, the doctor wanted to do another HSG (much to my dismay), we were disappointed when the information given was not helpful (such as when they told me they did not grow enough cells to test the baby)....and then I realized quite quickly, I really cannot do this anymore. I literally do not have it in me. I know so many women who go at this for years and years (some up to 10 years!). Maybe I am weak, I don't know. But, this journey was eating me alive, and I am not exaggerating. It literally consumed me, little by little, until I wasn't even sure how I was walking around upright anymore. So, we went back to our original plan of adoption. And here we are a few months later, ready to be put in "the book!"

So, why adoption? Why now? Because we want to be parents and we think we'll be good at it! Because we've been through so much pain already and it's time for something good in our lives. Because until you have experienced infertility, you really don't know how much it can suck out of you and out of your life. And because I made a conscious decision to take control and not allow my infertility to control me. So, I don't need your pity (yes, I do see pity in people's reactions at times). Adoption is not a SAD thing. It's a wonderful thing! It is so very sad that we are infertile, and it is so sad that we were able to have pregnancies only to have them ripped from us. I get that. But, our plan to adopt is anything but sad. Adoption has brought us hope, love and happiness, and we don't even have our baby yet! So, celebrate with us, ok? The best is yet to come! Isn't that wonderful?! I never could say that with infertility treatments. So, let me say it again, because I can - THE BEST IS YET TO COME!!!!


  1. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog...that was so nice! I just read this post of yours and it's great...I especially love the last paragraph. I think you've summed up the answer to "Why adopt?" very succinctly and honestly. I'm looking for some new reads. I'll be following...

    Finally, I'm so sorry about your losses. You sound so positive and ready to move will be a mom, so stay hopeful.

  2. Wow! You seriously wrote exactly how I feel about adoption. And really how my husband felt in the beginning. We are only just beginning the process and have just started telling our close friends and family this week. My husband's brother told us he was sorry when we told him. I don't want his pity!! I wanted him to say...that's great...congratulations...or something like that.

    Thanks so much for posting this today. I don't feel so all alone in this. So excited to see where this takes you. ((HUGS))

  3. Great post Faith! More people need to know that adoption is not a second rate path to parenthood. Because truly people did not celebrate with us when we told them we were adopting they way they would have if we had told them we were expecting.

    Out of all of the many people that we told we were adopting and the all the rest who have learned about it since only a handful have been truly excited when we told them. Most say awkward things like, "That is so nice of you to give this baby a good home!" WTF?! That is the exact same wording (except substitute dog for baby) our veterinarian used when we brought in our dog whom we had adopted through a rescue program! I'm not adopting a child for the same reason we chose to adopt a rescue dog over getting a puppy!!

    Sorry, I got a little wound up there :P Anyway, again GREAT post!


  4. I AM so excited for you, my Sister! I Will have a new niece or nephew! We will have a perfect little addition to our family. During your wait right now, I feel as though you ARE expecting. I want you to know that I'm am so impatiently waiting alongside you for this precious gift from God. I talk to you and FEEL the hope this has given you. This process has lifted your spirits and I am so happy knowing that, no matter how, you ARE expecting a beautiful baby, and I couldn't be happier! Our family will shower down love on your new little life that will be ready soon for you to take him/her into your arms and complete the family you have waited TOO long for. Don't listen to the people that make you feel things that are anything but ecstatic for you. This is a joyous time and a time for celebration! So, rejoice, celebrate! Your new baby, and my niece or nephew, is COMING. Nothing can take that feeling of happiness, anticipation, or LOVE away when it is so strong in us. I love you SO much and I am so proud of your strength and grace through all off this! Keep your eyes peeled, the Stork is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. You are such a strong woman. Don't ever question that. It is clear that you are more than ready and excited about this adoption. You are going to be so blessed.

  6. Faith, thank you for opening up and telling us what is on your heart! I love reading your blog!

    The best IS yet to come... :)

  7. Awesome post Faith!!! I see the same question in peoples' eyes when we talk of adoption. It is so unfair. I always see adoption as one thing we have control over. Infertility takes away all control - but adoption gives some of it back. And it is NOT a second rate way of becoming a family - which is how some people seem to view it.

  8. Thank-you for posting this! It was so eloquently said! You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel the exact same way! To us, adoption is full of happiness, hope, and excitement! And it makes me sad when other people don't see that and/or feel sorry for us for doing adoption. But in the end, we know what we want and we cannot wait to be parents!

    I wish you and your husband the best! And I hope you two are parents so very soon!