Wow

That is really all I can say about this week..."wow." So much has happened, and we've been catapulted into the "expecting" role. It's very surreal, honestly. First, the biggest news of all - we're in the book! We officially got all our stuff to our social worker yesterday and now, my friends, it is completely out of our hands! Second, we began our registry at Babies 'R Us. Now, that was weird. Sitting there at the registry table between two women about to pop...well, it was interesting. And trying to pick out things for a baby we don't know was also difficult. Not only do we not know our baby, we don't know how or when s/he will come to us. It made registering a little less personal, and certainly not as exciting as I always imagined it to be. I couldn't even dream about the day my baby would come as we scanned things, because I couldn't even imagine how or when that would happen. So, we picked out some random things and at least felt productive in starting something. Anticlimactic is the word I would use, honestly.

I do believe, however, that I have officially entered into the world of expectant mothers, as I have had two pretty obvious "symptoms":

1. I had a very bizarre dream that pretty much included all my biggest fears about becoming a mom, as listed here: the baby will come abruptly and unexpectedly (the baby was dropped off the day after we got on the list in my dream), I won't know anything about the baby (the social worker couldn't even tell me his birthdate), I won't think the baby is cute, I won't feel connected to the baby, or feel like his mommy (it was a boy in the dream), and we will have feeding issues (in the dream, my baby kept choking and then projectile vomiting all the formula I gave him). All the little things in the back of my head surfaced in this dream. I guess it's time to deal with the anxiety that comes with expecting a baby.

2. I am literally crying about EVERYthing. If I see stories of families, of love, of children on TV, I become an emotional mess. My youngest niece greeted me at the door with my name for the first time last night and I about lost it as I kissed and hugged her. I feel so raw as I think about the day our lives will change - filled with feelings of anticipation, excitement and fear and dread over the wait. I can't even tell you what I feel at any given moment, it's that complicated. So, I cry at everything.

So, there you go. I'm expecting (kind of). It is incredibly exciting AND surprisingly terrifying all at once. I don't even have words for how that feels. I can just tell you, it is powerful.