Denial

What I have noticed lately is that my normal, healthy defense mechanism called "denial" has taken a vacation. This friend of mine has abandoned me in my time of need. So, in an effort to grasp at some sort of sanity, I am going to "fake it." I figured it might be appropriate to do this publicly, so as to make my faking more real. Here it goes...

I am not at all jealous of the upteenth woman who just walked into a meeting at work today six months pregnant, talking as if being pregnant was the easiest and most natural thing in the world. This did not remind me of all the women I see daily whose babies come easily, and let's not forget their babies do not die like mine do...But I am not jealous. I am also not so uncontrollably sad that I am on the verge of tears at any given moment.

I am certainly not struck with intense disappointment about the fact that we will celebrate our EIGHTH year of marriage in a few months, all of those years spent childless. And I certainly won't think about my dreams of marriage and family, and how this fact does not at all live up to those dreams, as those dreams consisted of at least two children filling our lives and home by now.

I do not get sick to my stomach as I walk into work and one of my coworkers is visiting with her perfect newborn baby, and I certainly do not want to scream at her for sticking a knife in my wound for the day.

I am not angry at my own body, for failing me when I needed it the most.

I do not blame myself for all the loss Jason and I have had to endure.

I am not terrified beyond belief that the program I supervise may be completely annihilated come July 1, as we lost all our funders, and we have no word yet on new funders. I do not consider this program my baby, and the only baby I was able to nurture and sustain for the last two and a half years. Therefore, I certainly do not experience this impending loss as similar to a miscarriage.

I do not worry obsessively that not only will I not be able to tolerate this wait for a baby, but I will also turn out to be an awful adoptive mom.

I do not feel as though my entire world is crumbling down around me.

There, that should do it. If you are listening, Dear Friend Denial, please come back to me. I need you desperately right now.